28.9, my how time flies...

I am ten days away from my twenty-ninth birthday. I find myself counting down the days the closer I get, not unusual but there is something about this year that feels different than most. I suppose it's the space I'm in both physically and mentally. My twelve year old sister cannot help but remind me I'm pushing thirty. I tell her I'm blessed enough to see this age and she would be too — a response I would hear from my own elders, so to now be the person repeating it to the youth, yeah I suppose I am old(er). I'm embracing it.

There is a quote I've repeatedly seen online that has been weighing heavily on my mind: "the days are long but the years are short." A seemingly common turn of phrase but it was not until I reflected on it did it become so much more meaningful. This morning I did yoga and meditation at the Newark Museum of Art in their Animal Kingdom room surrounded by projections of the jungle and the sounds of birds chirping. Calming. Soothing. They asked that we release old energies to make room for the new. As I strut my way into age twenty-nine, I am tasking myself with releasing narratives about myself that I no longer identify with, releasing self-doubt about my worth and releasing control. Some control. I'm not a go with the flow type of woman because where exactly is the flow going...but with life, I'm experiencing how better it is to allow it to happen for you.

I welcome keeping my youthfulness and childlike curiosity while also taking my adult responsibilities seriously. I know I'm at a point where I have no choice but to play a more active role in my life as opposed to being on autopilot. Is this maturity? I've been living in my apartment for a couple months now and I am enjoying it. Blessed as I am to pay my bills, they all fall on me, all the messes that get caused by me, sadly, have to be cleaned by me. There is no one to grab the remote for me or call the management company when my air units need their filter changed. Don't let me get started on all the appointments I have to make: the doctor, the dentist, the therapist, and what about that dinner I wanted to go to? I find myself booking things out a couple weeks in advance. Not to mention, my workload can be rather overwhelming some days but I am contemplating how I can use my current position to carve out a niche for me at my current company. Make the job work for you, but don't make it your life.

I welcome slowness into my life at this time. I’m not a fan of hustle culture. Capitalism will not kill me through over-working, over-stressing or over-doing it. Why should people feel they have to have two or three jobs to live on this Earth? One is enough for me and really, I think the world would be a lot happier if we were allowed to truly explore what it is that makes us passionate as opposed to what we have to do to survive. I want to learn to move a little slower and stop rushing. It’s important to me that I allow myself to rest and not feel guilty. I don’t always have to be productive, I can just be.

I welcome allowing myself to find joy in the small moments I could easily take for granted. Though I have my struggles with anxiety I like to think I'm getting better at being present in the moment. I'm a plant mom these days, the one I received from my Dad just bloomed two beautiful purple flowers. I rushed to take a picture and show him. My work commute is so short, I'm so happy I can take my time getting ready in the morning and arrive with my coffee in hand only five minutes late instead of fifteen. These days I host my family at my place and my siblings eat all my food, my Mother is buying me cute decorations from the thrift shop and my Dad wants to come over and cook. Well, maybe he wants me to cook but the best I can be is a sous chef, if that. This is true richness.

I welcome vulnerability and emotional availability. That comes with releasing fear and shame. I find this to be one of my biggest struggles but I find poetry has helped me in this regard. I'm letting myself feel instead of repress and that feels pretty good. Turns out the rumors are true, Cancers are crybabies but you know what, my sensitivity is my strength not a hindrance. Opening up is so hard after feeling misunderstood for so long but I'll forever feel misunderstood if I don't open up. And then again, those who do understand can stick around and those who don't, don't mean much. I've been realizing maybe I am an ice princess, very Elsa, eldest-daughter syndrome. Being so guarded, I thought, was keeping me safe but truly it kept me from allowing joy in, happiness in, love in and romance in.

Love Island is my current obsession. This season, as all over the place it is, made me understand why men love sports the way they do. Nic and Olandria coupling up was akin to making it to the playoffs, just to fumble before the game winning touchdown as the world watched them friendzone each other. Does that analogy make sense? I sure hope so! Olandria is stunning, breathtakingly so. There is something so feline about her that I enjoy. She's a Gemini, now this is important because at the beginning of the season she spoke about always being sexualized and the importance of forming a mental connection with someone before being physical. Gemini is ruled by Mercury which governs communication, intellect and mental agility. She needs someone witty and funny that she can have good conversation and banter with. Someone she can communicate with. The person she couples up with is her type, "on paper," but it's evident to the audience that he is not into her romantically and the difference in maturity between the two leaves much to be desired.

I saw myself in her as she admitted her own faults. Being raised by a single mother and seeing a woman do it all, she admits she leans more into her masculine energy, unsure of how to allow a man in, let alone to lead. Chile. One thing I love about life is, very rarely are you going through something that someone else has not experienced. Which is why I think I enjoy reality television so much. We're all just humans at the end of the day, it's a fun, dramatic way to observe others. A true slow-burn, friends to lovers type of woman, her hesitance makes a lot of sense. She almost gets voted off the show but is saved and coupled up with Nic, and there is a spark between the two as he admits to being her secret admirer too afraid to approach. I was so giddy watching them interact, all three of us were showing all thirty-two. It was so stinking cute!

But alas, they believed they would be better as friends. Or so they said. Am I believing it? No. I ain't never share a kiss like that with a friend! Nic was giving her everything she was begging her former connection for: meaningful compliments, physical intimacy within her boundaries and a foundation of friendship. I felt Olandria never allowed herself to explore it not only due to fear of how it would affect the Villa and their friendship but because she is so stuck on this country man, cowboy fantasy. I can’t fault her. She never emotionally opened up about her feelings for him so to spare himself the rejection, they decided it was best to keep things platonic. Am I giving delusional to believe all hope is not lost? Perhaps, but time will tell. I'm invested. Their whole relationship is my own fantasy, as this is a book trope I indulged in heavily growing up.

These days I'm reading "Confessions of a Video Vixen," by Karrine Steffans, famously known as Superhead. I wish I had read it when it first came out even though I was ten years old and would have had no business knowing all the intimate details of these celebrities. I was left unsure of how to feel after I finished the book. Her childhood truly explained her trajectory. Growing up to an abusive mother who saw her as competition and an absent father. Her sexual assault. She was a runaway turned stripped turned wife at seventeen to an older, abusive partner. A girl who never had the opportunity to have a healthy childhood turned into a woman looking for love, safety and security in “powerful” men. She loved the power she had over these men, using her sexual prowess during their intimate moments but for the most part after they got what they wanted out of her, they threw her to the side. I didn’t enjoying learning she had a child that she would barely see, chasing love from these men, as her mother had. She hate her mother for that and yet, sometimes what you see is what you repeat if you don’t break the cycle. Life is tricky in that way.

As I read her story, it reminded me of the song “Little Girl,” by Viola. I listened to it growing up at cookouts and family gatherings. I still listen to this day. It gets you on your feet with a message. She’s not the first to look for love in the wrong places, finding herself in physically, mentally, emotionally and financially abusive relationships. That is without mentioning the lifestyle those in Hollywood lead. It all seems rather dark. Fame at a price of your soul. They were heavily on drugs all the time, drinking copious amounts of alcohol and partying every night. All these famous connections she had made but when her and her son were homeless, sleeping her car. They didn’t see her as a person, but an object. It was saddening and unsettling to say the least. The smoke and mirrors of it all.

She acknowledges that she is happy she is the one who had to go through it as a cautionary tale to women. She went through it, so others did not have to. I think the sensationalism, that I'm sure she was counting on, overshadows the overall message, at least to the general public, that she was trying to get across. I’m satisfied someone would write such a book, even if it was just one young girl who went in a different direction than Karrine after reading it, I would consider it a win. A true alchemist, she used her struggles to create that which would heal her and possibly assist those who may have gone through what she had. Her writing allowed her to fight her demons and overcome that which had kept her in the same cycle. We’re all doomed to repeat them if we can’t acknowledge them and do things different, as intended.

I find myself repeating cycles and coping in a way that I saw growing up, which I knew even as a child was not the best, but I believe that I’m ready to finally break out of them. I’m trying to learn healthier coping mechanisms. I’m so in my head, I need to learn to be more in my body and lean into being more present. Being more active is important to me and though I’m not a gym girl after today’s yoga and meditation, I think incorporating those classes into my routines would improve my overall wellness, especially where my anxiety is concerned. I know writing has helped me and my poetry even more so. With my emotions on display for everyone hear and to know my inner world — it has helped those around me understand me better. I’m grateful for that flame being ignited. I want to continue to indulge in my passion but where do I go with it next. A book, a book, a book. I know that is the obvious answer but what else? I suppose I should focus on one thing at a time. I know I want to focus on doing local open mics as opposed to traveling to New York, though I do enjoy being able to show off a more sensual side of myself. I don’t necessarily have to stop doing that now that I’m back home either.

As a celebration and an ode to myself, I have written twenty-eight things I loved, learned, and acknowledged about myself, along with a few memories from the past year:

28. I am a flawed woman. I’m learning to embrace it. Flaws and all, it doesn’t mean I don’t deserve love and admiration. I have been a perfectionist, to my detriment, for a long time and I’m finally living in a truth that if I can love people who are flawed, why do I believe I’m not lovable because of my faults? As read in “Confessions of a Video Vixen,” one of the worst things a woman can be unaware of is her self-worth.

27. I loved so deeply working with children. They continue to inspire me deeply. They remind me to love on the child within me, the curious side, and most important the creative side. It was a life changing experience. Shout-out to the West Village! I know one day I want a family. Often, I think about how motherhood would change my life. Since I don’t take it lightly, I will happily be giving them back.

26. Since I won’t be having a child anytime soon, I do want something to nurture besides my plants. In the perfect world, I would adopt a sheltered black cat but I would accept whichever cat would accept me back. Beggars cannot be choosers. My only problem is that lingering cat litter smell. I just want some after work cuddles.

25. As a notorious grudge holder, I know if I want relationships that sustain, I can’t continue to be so unforgiving. The feelings are temporary and have to be let go unless too many boundaries are crossed. Anger and resentment can’t be held on to forever, my sanity is more important.

24. I wanna create more than I consume then I look at my screen time. I think creation wise, I’m in a living and getting inspired stage of life! Which is why I’m allowing more joy in. I can be a rather melancholy woman, but I don’t want that to be all my content, my poetry especially, to be about. It’s just so easy to get those sad thoughts out in written word. I’m always alchemizing.

23. I’m a words of affirmation girl. I know it is not important to rely on outside validation but I do like to be acknowledged and poured into in that way and yet someone can say all these great things to me and I won’t believe it… Learning to take things at face value, finally.

22. I love being a patient woman, to a point of course as we all have a limit. I understand that if you want something to be long lasting, it will take a time and consistent effort. I want to build a long lasting legacy. This is my life to live and I’m going to do it with my own vision in mind.

21. I am a leader. This trait is one of my favorite things about myself and yet there are times where I would rather not be. I reflect on my life and realize why certain situations played out the way they did and it was because I had to be willing to walk out on my own and do things that have not yet been done in my immediate family.

20. My family and I shared our last dinner together at the home we shared for eight years before both I and they moved. It is sad to think about but that chapter in our life is closed. Growing up I ate in my room, later on in life my family all sat at the table and prayed before we ate. It felt good to get together and talk, seek advice and laugh together. That bonding time is so important and I’d like to incorporate that into my own family one day.

19. I embrace the weird, the strange, and the cringe about myself! Living authentically is empowering. I surprise myself each day with what I learn and am excited what I’ll learn within the next year.

18. If I don’t have a beach day soon I may combust, or a proper vacation on an island. A flower always belongs in my hair and my body deserves to always be tan. My last trip was to Puerto Rico by myself and it is where I learned what spiritual bypass meant. My spirituality is important to me but I don’t want to use it to escape the fact that I’m also living a human experience. Feel, don’t repress.

17. While I can be a know it all, I know it all enough to know I do not know it all. And yet, I’m getting over the need to always be right. Not 10/10, but I will settle for 9/10.

16. Laughter is the best medicine. I’m rather reserved until you get close to me. I love to make people laugh, love to make myself laugh. I’ll be welcoming more laughter into my life this year as well! It is so easy during this time to get lost and be brought down, I want to be uplifted and uplift others. Just silly and goofy.

15. I’m so indecisive. I really just think it’s who I am. I want to loc my hair so bad but my afro and my cute little twisties, but also a world of possibilities that can open up. It’s just hair, as they say. We’ll see. (Which means we probably won’t see.)

14. This year I got my first tattoo to commemorate my first sexy poem performed on stage. A true to heart Cancer, I got a moon tattoo. I understand why they say when you get one, you’ll want more. I think I want a cute little cherub next!

13. I am a bit of a pot-stirrer. Other people’s drama, I’m tuned in but when it’s my turn and I’m in the hot seat? Oh nah. Possibly a trait of mine that may never fully change but I’ll try my best to mind my business this year. Gossip to me though, is just another form of history and I am a scholar.

12. If you made it this far you are a trooper, baby. It’s 12 am, I’m out of things but I love me and you real bad.

11. I know I said I wouldn’t cook with my Dad but that is just because every meal he makes goes off but I do enjoy cooking when I’m in the mood, especially breakfast foods. I have come to realize of all the foods I could probably eat eggs and bacon everyday, at any time of day. One thing about me. I’m going to eat. You wouldn’t like me when I’m hangry so really I’m doing everyone a favor by staying well fed.

10. One of my favorite parts of this year was cleaning my apartment for the first time. Cooking my first meal and crying over it. At first it felt like I was renting an AirBnb but in time it has become so homey. I talk and write about it so much because I am so genuinely happy. I can sing and dance all I want. Walk around however I want without a care in the world. It is so special to me.

9. People have been calling me Sunshine a lot. I love cute nicknames and pet names. I try my best to brighten up people’s day as life can be so tumultuous. Why not bring the positive vibes? It means a lot to me that I treat people as kindly as possible while being well mannered. I feel it goes a long way.

8. I want to show more of my soft and sensitive side, I find it a bit hard because I get so worried that someone will take advantage but I’m putting my sweetie pie side out there. I know the right people will find me.

7. My Faith gained more importance to me this year. I would not have gotten through this year without it. I attended church more this year than I had in years. I believe in God, though not a fan of organized religion. Theology is so interesting to me, I want to explore more this year. We all need something to believe in.

6. Healing my relationship with my Mother and Father has helped me immensely. I learned to see them as beyond their title as my parents and as people, which is where forgiveness comes in. It helped me forgive myself.

5. Incorporating balance, moderation and consistency into my life will help change it for the better. A work in progress…

4. Creative expression is my birthright. Life is so much more beautiful when I have a place to put this energy.

3. I will not let my light to be dimmed, I am allowed to take up space.

2. I am a good granddaughter, daughter, sister, woman, person.

1. I am love. ♡

Dear God,

How're you? I could not step into the next year of my life without checking in. I'm sure you saw it coming.

Thank you for your guidance. I navigated some of the heaviest times I have ever experienced in the past year and I know I would not have gotten through it without you. I am grateful to you for making sure I would see another day, even on the days where I felt I may have been better off. I am grateful to you for helping me heal my personal relationships, especially those within my family. In the midst of the storm, the people in my life showed up for me and showed out! Even when things seemed bleak and I was emotionally overwhelmed I knew I could look to you to get through. What a connection we have built. I am grateful where I am right now, on my couch, at my own place. This is a dream come true. Thank you for the blessings you continue to shower me with and for getting me together during my most stubborn moments. I promise to continue to show gratitude, to continue to love, to continue to be kind and to continue to live life to the fullest.

Cheers to 29 years! And prayerfully, many more.

xoxo,

Ashanti