As - Stevie Wonder

I don't remember being a stuffed animal lover as a child but since my mid-twentys, I cannot help myself. It's been rather healing for me. I do play favorites! I bought the cutest little spotted pig from Whole Foods, Porky, and he been with me through so many moments. At least since I moved into this apartment. The good times and bad, happy and definitely sad. I've expanded the family and he now has a pink sister, Pinky. My little kiddos are basically twins. They're such a loving comfort.

I have been feeling I want a little something to come home to. I used to think cat, but am leaning more towards a dog. I want a pet that'll get me out of the house -- keep me active. A companion to care for that I can love unconditionally and they would do the same to me. I know they'll be a responsibility I've never handled before but every person I spoke to who has a dog, tells me the pros far outweigh the cons. I'm already thinking of names and can't wait for an exchange of affection. But what kind of breed? While I think personality wise, I give cat-woman, adding a cute little dog to my family would bring a lot of joy.

I always loved Pugs but they're couch potatoes.

I saw a long-haired Chihuahua for the first time. The most adorable thing ever but can I deal with their yapping? It's only one yapper in this house!

What about a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel? They're adorable but I heard too clingy. I might just get tired of that. It's cool when I do it!

So much to think about, especially fitting them into my life. This isn't something to do on a whim.

I had a few pets growing up. I'm pretty sure I had some fish. At least I think? They died. When we moved to the Northside of town, my Dad gifted me a gray kitten, after it's evil mother had given birth. I call her evil because everytime I stayed with my Grandmother that damn cat would attack me. Once it scratched me from under the door as I was getting out the shower. Her son, little Joe, disappeared one day and I cried a river only for him to be taking a nap in my Mother's closet. He became an outdoor cat soon after and I never seen him again. When we moved to the Central-ward, I bought a hamster I didn't even want to pick up. I watched him squeeze his chunky self out of the cage and run away. The building mice probably tore him up.

Reading all this back lets me know, my track record is attorcious. Ha.

I'm going to do better this time! I promise.

But for now, it's just me, Porky and Pinky. In bed at least. There are five other stuffies on the sideline. One, I got from Build-a-Bear with a message from my Granny. Heartwarming.

I've been doing much reflecting on my childhood.

Am I an oversharer? Probably.

Expression is my birthright and I have a passion for writing. I like to share if it means I can connect with people, pass along a message or help others understand me more. Help me understand myself more.

Somethings I'm just not ready to open up about. Somethings I'd rather share in-person with trusted folk. Somethings I will take to grave.

I'm prideful, very much so. I am embarassed looking back and reflecting on some of my behavior. Lashing out because I felt hurt or disrespected. Why can't you read my mind? Why can't you understand how I'm feeling? Especially after I opened up... Why not take the time to?

In love, the cycle I experienced with my father, I've repeated. Like to hope I've broken out of it by now but I've been an over-waterer, over-giver, all-consuming person to emotionally unavailable people. Chasing a ghost. Feeling rejected. Thrown aside.

The love I was feeling made me write poetry and share with the world, shouting from the rooftops, often selfishly. But it was unrequited and I was always longing. I just didn't expect it to play out the way it did. The silence was loud. As much as I know it was for the best it hurt(s).

Happy I learned how to love and put myself first. I know I'm doing it, and doing it very well. And I'm excited to share the love that I do have to give, probably just as loud in my day-to-day instead of online, with the right person who'll want to take the time to understand I'm complicated. And dramatic.

With the patience of Saint!

God willing,

xoxo,

Ashanti

Until then, it's Porky and I until the wheels fall off. Or the washing machine stops cleaning him up.