Many nights we've prayed / with no proof, anyone could hear
"In our hearts a hopeful song we barely understood. / No we are not afraid although we know there's much to fear..."
Now maybe I've been a bit too money minded. I'm trying to get out of seeing it as an obstacle to make my dreams come true. Admittedly, I've fallen into believing my worth was connected to my successand that my title held a monterary value. I promise I'm growing out of that, to my betterment. Where will I find that fulfillment I been searching for? I know it'll be in family. Not only in the one I was born into but the one I'll create with the right partner. I don't buy into the whole medium-ugly thing! The right, fine-ass husband! Amen.
This came to mind because I wrote a bit about moving out here to Hawai'i and while the cost of living does play in my mind, I more see it as a beautiful place to raise a family. I would want my children to know how to live slowly. Early mornings on the beach, the Aloha spirit of kindness, fresh food we grow in our yard, good coffee and more importantly, two parents that love each other -- who didn't raise them in survival mode. I want them to have much of the knowledge I didn't find until now,that I'm still gaining insight on. I want to be intentional and do this life with my best friend. As the softness seeps into me, and I truly feel more feminine, that is the woman I want them to call "mommy," you know the creative, funny, silly, sweet but stern. "'Cause I'm still hood, Hollywood couldn't change me!" Because she'll always be there too!
So this'll take divine intervention and listening on my end. I am hard-headed, I admit but I am sure I could have all I've dreamt of. May even be gifted with that which I don't even remember asking for and would be grateful just the same. Would my partner even want to move here? Is this a place they would want to raise children? I will say, I don't know about living in Waikiki, though visiting would be nice. There is a part of Oahu that gets a hundred inches of rain a year, is much more lush and not as touristy. I haven't been to Maui or the Big Island yet, so visits to come. I have new dreams forming about what I could do for business here, because truly, I'm not wishing to work for someone for the rest of my life. I've got some recipes to perfect!
In this moment, I've just finished fresh salmon and the crispiest, yummiest fries. I may turn into a potato one day...but like one of those big ones that would win in a county fair. I know I have East Coast tastes, and I'm trying to get used to the food but some of it just does not appeal to me. I am curious about a loco moco though but I'm not eating beef. I do love brown gravy! Just wait until my green thumb really grows and I have all sorts of things growing in my garden. Norushing my family with our own home grown vegetables and fruits is an ultimate goal of mine. Do potatoes grow in tropical climate? Perhaps we'll find out.
I spent a little time on the beach earlier reading my book. I'm kind of avoiding the water because my face is beginning to peel and my shoulders, with just a few more minutes under the suns rays, are going to burn terribly. I'm enjoying it so far and am starting to realize why I picked it up. Would you love me after you've witnessed all my darkness? Would you still? They're both opening up to each other and seeing beyond the initial attraction though haven't been too forward. The story line and the spice are both picking up. love it here!
My heels could light a campfire right now. I'm stressing! Lotion doesn't help, sunscreen and not even the after sun aloe have done a thing. Today is my Great-Grandpa's birthday. I didn't know he was my Great-Grandfather until I was older. I just remember going to his home and coloring, trying to ride his elliptical and always getting an ice cream cone to end the visit. So you know I've gotta get a cone in his honor (and to my benefit!) Macademia nuts are popular here as a snack, in coffee flavoring, in ice cream and these famous pineapple shapped shortbread cookies. They're so freaking good! Now usually I would just eat the chocolate covered ones but they have these passion-fruit, orange and guava flavored ones. First of all, it just tasted tropical! Has you wanting more. I'm wondering how long it'll take me to juice these fruits. And I didn't mention I had this acai bowl yesterday with haupia, or coconut cream, and fresh papaya. Whew chile! I wanna experience that for the first time again. Just greedy blog after greedy blog but baby this is me! Curious how I can make that coconut cream when I get home. Could I include it in a cake?!
It's only about 1:30PM right now but at 4PM they're doing a hula show that I'm looking forward to seeing.
Turns out the show didn't begin until 5:30PM. I sat off to the side, in the shade continuing on with this book. Letting people in has been hard for me. I want to. To run into someone who can see you beyond any front that you've put up, and you can see beyond theirs, how nerve-wracking! 'Cause how're you getting beyond all my defenses? How'd you let me past yours? Life is funny.
There can be miracles, when you believe,
xoxo,
Ashanti
