June 2024

I always felt different. I went out of my way to get in where I fit in and even then when I was shrinking myself to fit within different groups, I realized I felt even more alone, I was just surrounded by more people. I've been working on unlearning victim-hood and changing my perspective and thus my path in life. The blame game is easy but eventually my life had to be taken into my own hands. Where did I fall short in caring for, loving on and speaking up for myself? Not to mention the obedience that was drilled into me. But what was I being obedient to? The expectations of others that they had not even themselves achieved? Obedient to a God that they believed in but the more spiritual I become, the closer I become to a God of my own understanding and I can't say it looks like the one I was brought up to believe in. Fighting to be liked, yearning to be loved. Some believe my blessing fall from the sky and that there is no work put in. The tears that I have cried behind a brave face, not to mention my pride, is why behind the scenes the work I have done is starting to show externally.

Black women can only be strong for the benefit of the others, we are looked to to stand on the front lines of every battle but when we look around for the support we have shown, all we have is each other. I'm learning to let myself be soft again, sensitive, sweet. To be delicate like a flower, and though roses have thorns, that's even more reason for the expectation to be that we are treated gently.

♡