Fear Cannot Live Here
*·˚ ༘ ➳ ♡
Fear cannot live here. I put my right hand over my heart and make this pledge to myself, particularly on the trying days when I know I need the gentle reminder. A mantra that I’ve been living by for the past few years but have finally found the words for. I refuse to be stagnant, refuse to be stuck for too long in any given situation because I know it’s up to me to make a change.
I had a fear of being seen for a long time. Like really seen behind the mask. Would people still accept me? Would they welcome me in? Could I invite them into my world? Would they still like what they saw after I stopped pretending? I want to shine brightly! I love to entertain, love to perform, love to make people think, especially where my writing is concerned, I love to inspire. Could I be vulnerable and dig deep? Could I show that beyond being a beautiful woman, that I am a woman of depth? I believe that I have done so and am being challenged to kick it up a notch. I do so love a challenge!
There is a poetry festival happening in October right in my own backyard, literally, that I applied for a couple weeks ago. We won’t know until June if we’ve been accepted but to go from performing in basements and coffee shops to a big event such as this would be life changing. I sent videos of me performing in front of small crowds and the feeling of being on stage and conveying my emotions, my art, is so electrifying, I’m hooked for life! I sent them five poems I’ve written most recently and it’s heartwarming to see how far I’ve come with my craft from the changes in content to the increase in confidence with my delivery. I am proud! Nothing has ignited the flame in my heart such as this and that’s how I know I have to continue to push it. And allow it to push me. Walk into rooms I’ve never been. Share my words with people who’ve never heard me. Allow myself to flourish! To live a life I must have dreamt about once upon a time.
Tonight I finished the final Harry Potter novel, Deathly Hallows, and I thought to myself: what took me so long to read this? I know I read it exactly when I needed to and it has thankfully reawakened within me the joy of reading. Awakened the nerd! The joy of looking forward to opening a book, to escaping into another world, of following closely to the characters and connecting with them, with hearing the messages I was meant to. I have so many thoughts. Before I read the books and just watched the movies, which I can confidently say do not compare, I took the test and was placed into the Slytherin house. I was repping! Now that I’ve finished each book and am going through a stage in my life where I am understanding the importance of having courage, is it giving Gryffindor?! I don’t think so but still!
What I enjoyed was how human each of the characters felt from know-it-all Hermione, over-protective Molly Weasley to angsty-teenage Harry, whimsical Luna and my favorite of all, wise Dumbledore, I could all connect with closely.
And how could I forget comedic darlings Fred and George Weasley?!
They couldn’t have done much of anything without Hermione besides eat in the Great Hall, she deserves the world, as annoying and goody-two-shoes as she could be. She had their best interests at heart and still had her flaws in her narrow mindedness. How can you be a magical being and yet and still not be open to the unknown you cannot read about in a book?
Mama Bear Molly Weasley held it down for her family. Not my daughter bitch! Or whatever she screamed at Bellatrix Lestrange. One of my favorite moments by one of my favorite characters and so unexpected yet after losing a child and the disfigurement of two others, she wasn’t having any of it. I loved it! Family above all else.
Harry “weight of the world on my shoulders” Potter. I felt so deeply for him even we annoyed me I kept reminding myself he was a teen and not a regular one either. Living under a cupboard because of childhood neglect, family wanting to stamp out his magic because of fear of him not being normal, the Wizarding world expecting you to take down one of the most power wizards to exist yet hating you at the same time, I would say I don’t know how he did it but love is such a powerful force. He was going through it poor boy but never let all the negative, traumatic, painful experiences turn him towards a life of darkness. He really mastered the duality of life, light-dark, good-evil, life-death, it was so good to see him conquer death in the end.
My dear Luna Lovegood, nonsensical as she may have seemed to some, simply understood and experienced the world in different way. I hated when anyone and especially the trio was calling her “Looney Luna,” even when she wasn’t lying about what she knew, like when she and Harry could see the threstrals and he lied about it just because his friends were laughing. I loved she still remained her authentic self instead of joining in with the crowd which eventually opened their arms to her. Stay true to you!
Dumbledore. Before the books I did not enjoy him as much. I always felt he never did enough for Harry while he was growing up until it was explained. Even then, he was very secretive and kept much to himself. How could he be so sure it would all play out how he expected? And yet, it did. I even enjoyed reading about his past with his family and Grindelwald and how he acknowledged his darker thoughts while growing up, his want for power and acknowledgment but in time learning that it was more important to bring people together than set them apart. For some reason, my mind goes to Professor Xavier.
Two of my biggest takeaways are thanks to Dumbledore. One: I think we ought to allow people to change their minds and give them room to do so. To hold them to an older version of themselves, one shrouded in darkness, eliminates any chance of them “seeing the light” so to speak. This is one reason forgiveness is so important. Also, if I’ve done so much good in the world and for so many, does some darkness in my path discount that? Shades of gray, I suppose it depends on what it is. Two: Love will conquer all! It sounds cliche, maybe even cringe, but love is so powerful it will keep you alive amidst the turmoil of the world. Love will keep people together, united, stronger than if they were ruled by fear.
Ancestral veneration has played such an integral part in my life, what I enjoyed most in each book was the use of those who have passed on in this magical world. Their spirits helped carry the story, their memories and their love kept Harry especially, alive and focused on his purpose. He could have given up at any time as a seventeen year old expected to put his life on the line and he always had his family by his side. They kept him going. They keep me going.
Here are some quick overall thoughts:
Kind of felt Harry and Ginny’s relationship happened so quickly but maybe I’m a sucker for a friends to lovers trope as played out by Ron and Hermione.
Neville’s character development is some of my favorite. Him showing his leadership and bravery by the end of the final book made me and his Granny so proud!
RIP Dobby, I was beefing with him at first in Chamber of Secrets but him dying hurt.
Percy Weasley coming back to his family and seeing the error of his ways made my heart sing!
The connection between Harry and Voldemort playing out in dreams was interesting. There was so many spiritual references and so much dream deciphering, reasons I always pay close attention to what mine are trying to tell me.
And didn’t Voldemort have some nerve? You’re not even pure blood but pushing this agenda all for the sake of power. Reminds me of another infamous dictator.
Personally, wanted more to happen to Dolores Umbridge. A little more vengeance!
Dementors representing depression and affecting everyone more and more as Voldemort was taking over, as fear and war rose, is not lost on me.
Professor Snape, the man that you are. I did dislike how he treated Harry but sheesh, he really stuck to the plan until his dying day.
If you rule the news, you truly rule the minds of many, nations even.
When you finish a series, whether as a book or a TV show, what exactly do you do with yourself after? I still have three movies to watch but they don’t compare to the book. I suppose I could scroll online and find fan forums and read and read. But my preferred method is talking to anyone who will listen, whether they’re a fan or not. Mission convince my little sister to read it in full effect!
It’s been a year since I moved into my apartment. It is such a dream come true. I’ve grown closer to God. I’ve grown more sure of who I truly am as a woman, at 29 at least. I‘m enjoying my piece of paradise on Earth to the fullest. Peace is blanketing me, love and joy accompany it. It has me ready to delve into a new passion: herbalism. Life is reinforcing that my health and overall well-being is my biggest blessing. There was a time I thought I did not want to be here but now I’m more than sure that I do and refuse to take my health for granted any longer. I’m watching what I eat, moving my body more and find that the more I do both of these things, the more I want to get closer to nature. I already love to be outdoors but how can I take care of myself in more holistic ways, how those before us did. I’m sure I can do it in tandem with modern medicine.
I visited this gorgeous black-owned apothecary close enough to home. So many different herbs, helping so many different ailments from a common cold to arthritis and pregnancy symptoms. Currently, I’m drinking own curated mullein, peppermint, ginger and cinnamon tea to help with congestion and this cough I still have after a cold. I want to learn to make all types of natural items for myself because at least I’ll be sure exactly what I’m consuming. That mentality is why I’ve been cooking so much of my own food. Cooking for me now is so fun because I’m trying new things and cooking to my own taste so I can be as adventurous as I want to be. I’m learning the importance of making food that not only tastes good but is healthy. Now if only I can learn to bake because these days all I can think about is carrot cake. Carrots are healthy after all.
Life is also reinforcing the importance of taking things slow. Less multitasking. Slowing down at work. Slowing down in the morning. I have struggled with this for a while even when I make strides. I do find myself though learning what it means to be present, to be so much more connected to those around me and the life that I have created. I am happier than I can remember.
Until the next time,
Love you bunches!
xoxo,
Ashanti
