Magical Beginnings
⋆.ೃ𐦍*:･⋆𐦍.ೃ࿔*:･
April showers bringing May flowers is the true beginning of the new year. Thus far, the beginning of this new calendar year has felt like a continuation of last year. I feel I’m still shedding a lot of my past, a past that I cannot outrun as it’ll always catch up with me à la Michael Myers, doesn’t matter how far, doesn’t matter how long. Talk about holding a grudge.
A friend was recently telling me how God will have us go through events just so we can come out on the other side and tell our story. I was compelled the first week of January to tell my testimony, to deliver to those who had been there before, to those who may go through a similar experience. The message I delivered was as such: life is so much better with you in it. In September 2024 I almost stepped onto train tracks. I didn’t realize I had felt so hopeless in life until I had hit bottom. I had ideation before due to traumas from childhood and struggles with depression, but to be close to going through with it was a shame I wanted to hold close to my chest. Now, I’m happy to have spoken up.
Those who reached out were so kind and understanding. They shared their own experiences, prayed for me and showed me compassion. I went to work that day with my heart feeling lighter than it had in a long time. To those who did not reach out but had been in my shoes before, I pray my message has helped you open up with those close to you. Being confronted with my own mortality has given me a new lease on life. I want to be here. I’m happy to be living. I’m grateful to wake up each morning. There are experiences my soul needs and it’s a must I listen. This world is so filled with magic!
Speaking of magic, since the beginning of the year I have read the first two Harry Potter books, Philosopher’s Stone and Chamber of Secrets. Each book is longer than the previous as the world is more built, so many details, so much to remember. At first I was intimidated but I’ve just started Prisoner of Azkaban today and am a bit ready for the book to take a bit of a darker more mature turn. I’m all in!
Let me say a few things, one serious and others less so:
A line that stuck out to me as I was reading today was “For years, Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon had hoped that if they kept Harry as downtrodden as possible, they would be able to squash the magic out of him.” This is a reality for many of us, whether you realize it happening or not. For a long time I felt I spoke a different language from those around me, that no one would ever understand. I wanted to be “normal,” to fit myself in a box and even then I stuck out like a sore thumb. I felt like an outcast. I realize now that the only time when I felt I could interact “normally” was when I was inebriated. But numbing how I was feeling and escaping my reality was not doing me any good either, if anything it’s what left me hopeless and spiraling. With experience, I’ve learned the importance in embracing my uniqueness, especially as a spiritual and creative woman. As a magical being.
I share all this to say, others will make you feel that being different is wrong. They may even go through extreme measures to make sure that you never explore all life has to offer you, but this is your life to live! And I pray that you allow yourself to live it authentically.
Now, let’s really get into it:
I would be stressed out of my mind if I was Harry! All this pressure and expectation and attention. And this is after years of neglect. As we get into the teen years, and as an angsty teen myself, I’m curious as to the changes in his mental health.
Dobby pissed me off bad! Your idea of trying to help me is you getting me into so much trouble, especially with this family that go out of their way to misunderstand and abuse me. Man listen…
Gilderoy Lockhart is a clown! What do the kids call it? Clout chasing! Real bad. Him being affecting by the memory charm was divine justice. So good.
The parallels between Harry and Tom Riddle are so interesting, thus far. It really does go to show that life is about the choices you make.
Fawkes got me wanting a phoenix tattoo.
Since I’ve faced life’s grim realities and I know I wish to be here for a long time, I am promising myself I’d make the necessary changes. I’ve given up many of my vices but I also need to make lifestyle changes. My friend and I are doing 30-minutes minimum, workouts a day. It’s nice to have someone to hold me accountable. And as much as I complain, I have been enjoying moving my body. When I lived in the city I would walk miles each day just wandering around taking photos of art, seeing what new spots I could indulge in. Now that I’m back behind a desk and sitting down from 9-5 I’m going a little crazy and they bring these big desserts into the office everyday!
Someone offered me a doughnut last week, my true weakness. I was brave and strong. I said no. Well…I said yes and then I threw it out. It didn’t have sprinkles anyway. Changing my eating habits has been the hardest change but I know it’ll be the most rewarding and so I will stick to it. After a certain age you can no longer blame things on childhood, it’s up to you to unlearn and relearn. I’ve never known moderation or restriction but this year, which just started chile, is going to test me more than ever before and I have overachieving tendencies. I gotta prove to myself I can give up the yummy greasy, sugary, no real nutritional value foods. Adding vegetables and fruits into my diet has been easy, especially since I’m cooking more often. Giving up coffee hard but maybe I can have a little espresso every now and then? I made chicken soup recently that was so good I made it again yesterday. I was craving a burger but instead of beef I used turkey and added lots of veggies and not a French fry was in sight. The little changes, I’m hoping, will make a difference.
Diet doesn’t only mean foods I’m consuming but also what I’m watching and listening to. My screen time has dropped from nine hours on average to four, mostly because I deleted TikTok. No more reality shows, especially with all the fussing and fighting. I been listening to a lot of gospel. The challenge I find is listening to less Hip Hop and Rap, my loves, what got me through so many times in my life and expanding my horizons. I have tickets to the Philharmonic next week. I have been enjoying listening to live instruments. If sheet music wasn’t so confusing I would learn to play a little something. There’s still time.
I’ve been making sure to spend time with my family, integrating. Spiritually, I have learned so much and so I feel I’ve come back to who I truly am, before anyone told me who I had to be, and can now live life more fully. Feels sometimes like reintroducing myself to people who had known me my whole life but I think it’s more allowing them to see more of me. This welcomes them to show me more of who they are. Connecting has been so important. Not only with my family who are living but those who have passed on. I venerate my ancestors happily and with joy, bear it all to them, they see me when I’m not at my best and their love is so felt. They’ve been guiding me on this journey that I’m on and leading me back to the Source of all. It’s been very heartwarming yet challenging. It feels good to have their spirits watch my back and my front.
I have dreams I want to make come true. That I know I will when the time is right. I’m thinking of the goals I want to accomplish and what I had to do to get there. My focus right now is overall well-being and what I can do to connect with other women. What role can I play in getting women together? In connecting us? In reminding each other that we’re all needed? Though we may be at different life stages, it’s so important to have mentors, guides and people you can look to. I suspect if they’re not in my life, I’ll find them soon enough. How exciting!
I’m hoping I get a pet soon too!
°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･
Until next time,
xoxo,
Ashanti
