Praise Him in Advance

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The apology should be as loud as the disrespect. In the midst of a hopeless time, I lashed out. I wish I had known to ask for help instead of anticipating people being able to read my mind. And so I am humbly asking for forgiveness. To say that nobody ever helped me, especially my family, would be a lie. An unfair overgeneralization. At the time I did feel I was going through things no one knew about. I was angry. Why didn’t they know? Why didn’t anyone ask? Because I was too prideful to speak up. It was unfair to put the onus on those who love my beautiful and not so beautiful sides.

I have done a lot of growing and soul searching. If I ever doubted the kind, compassionate, caring and graceful nature of those around me, this year taught me otherwise. Life is so funny that way. Not ha-ha funny either but that awkward laugh when you’re not sure what to say or how to respond. That laugh you do when everyone else around you is laughing so you join along. An inside joke you’re not privy too. I finally have a better understanding and it’s strange to look back at where I was a year ago and the woman that I am now. My shadow pranced around proudly then. My mother brings up how I was when I returned home. I showed her a side of me she never seen. She said I must have her imprisoned now. I find that hilarious. I’m multifaceted! That carefree girl, admittedly reckless and a little overtly sexual girl is still here. I had to show her a little extra love, let her know we’re safe and that we needed to be more grounded, more balanced. I am proud of the woman I am. I love her. I am proud of how far I’ve come.

I wrote a poem a while ago entitled “Searching for Answers?” about how God will speak to you through different people you come across, even Uber drivers. My Grandma bought me a new coat from Macy’s for Christmas. A woman who housed me on short notice and even at 29 still buys me coats, groceries, will give me a little pocket money if needed and beyond the material, allows me to confide in her. On our way back from the mall, the hippie-Santa look-a-like driver who told us they call him “Barefoot Bill,” shared with us that he had been sober for 35 years. Not to tell his story but forgetting his mother’s birthday, a day the family knows is hard for her, because of a drug bender was what finally led him to going to rehab for the second and final time.

I shared I had been sober since September, what prompted the change and how I transmuted a lot of the negative energy I held within through my poetry. He said you either become a creative or a servant after overcoming addiction. I’d like to be both. How you only hit rock bottom once you stop digging. I didn’t want to go deeper than I already had. Why suffer through a lesson I had watched others learn the hard way? And watch I did. And in those moments held some of my most painful experiences. I know better. So I’ll do better.

In my attempts to evolve I exposed vulnerable parts of myself with the world. While I don’t regret it, I do get in my head about what could be said about me. What must the people think? Not just about style but content. Sadly, my thoughts are immediately negative as I happen to be my harshest critic. But for the myriad of negative words that can be spoken, I know my writing has helped others on their own spiritual journeys, whether that be encouraging people to write and create or to take a closer look at their own escapist tendencies. I went through what I did because I had to and I came out of it and share my testimony the way I do because it’ll reach exactly who it needs to. That’s a blessing.

I may have been born in the Summer but this right here is my favorite time of the year. Life slows down and people are kinder. Joy to the world plays in my head each morning, each night before bed. I’ve been starting my mornings with gospel. My Faith has become more important to me than ever and has kept me hopeful and in this world, it’s well needed. So easy to get caught up, so much easier to get out of it.

Gratitude has gotten me far this past year. This is my first Christmas at my apartment, so grateful I can pay rent and have a roof over my head, a place I can invite my family over to, a place for my inner child to feel safe. There are presents under my tree that I have yet to peak into but I’m tempted! I’ve been decorating with paper chains and paper towel roll Christmas trees with pink ribbons. I even figured out how to make a paper star. I’m obsessed and looking for more crafts to do. I enjoy having a place to call home. I invited someone in to my space and they said it felt like a warm hug. This is one of my favorite compliments. Underneath it all, I am a nurturing person and my home is a reflection of my heart.

I’m learning that it’s not the end of the world to make mistakes. I have good intentions, my heart is in the right place but the execution is not always there. I’m still working through my people pleasing ways so this is a double whammy in that, not everyone will like me and I’m not perfect. Sorry to cuss but: what the fuck?! I’ve been alive for almost three decades now (wow…) and while I was born in the 1900’s, I feel I am only now learning to allow myself to be human. Ain’t that something? Because I’m not always going to like everyone I encounter and they’re going to make mistakes so why wouldn’t I expect the same out of myself? Silly girl.

I’m doing my rounds before the New Year and making sure I spend some time with everyone that I care about. The spiritual new year may not be until the Spring but this is the perfect time to break bread with loved ones, reflect on what was shed and left behind and rest. I try to no longer feel guilty when I rest. I always feel I should be doing something because if I’m not then I’m lazy. I know now that this isn’t true. What a privilege it is to rest when the rest of the world is on the go. Everything is so urgent these days. Work is stressing me. Work is what I do for money, but my creativity is who I am. I am a writer, I am a poet. I’m making it my business in the New Year to do what enriches my heart.

My boxing and breaking bread class ended. During our final class we did a sound bath and I could not sit still. I felt so uncomfortable. The instructor said I probably have some things I still need to work through. We didn’t chat much at the end, there was no final goodbyes. It felt unfinished. I’m a bit sad that it has come to an end, not about the boxing because I was uncoordinated, but more so the opportunity to connect with the other women. It was so special. It’s important to me to be connecting with women. The older I become the more imperative it becomes that I am a nurturing relationships with women across different generations, who are at different stages of womanhood. There is always something to learn and we will all take turns being the teacher.

My mother and I spent some time together recently. Our relationship has grown so beautifully. I felt I had to take my freedom or I would never get an opportunity to again. I wouldn’t get to live the life I wanted. I wouldn’t get to be myself in this life. I took what now may have been drastic measures to make her understand that I am an adult. I am my own woman. I don’t regret it but I’m happy she forgave me for leaving without telling her or rather she understood why I did what I did. She welcomed me back with open arms and things have evolved since then. My soul feels lighter. I woke up one day thinking “I miss my mother,” that’s when I knew she really had become one of my little friends. I know not to mess around too much but heyyy, we made it! We went out for Puerto Rican food, so delicious, then over to see Cece Winans right after. I’ve been listening to “Addictive Love,” by Bebe and Cece Winans nonstop so seeing her live made me want to delve more into their discography and her solo music. She sang Christmas songs and it was so enjoyable. While having us sing along I realized I needed to learn the hymns.

I ran into my sixth grade math teacher at the show after running into her at a Kwanzaa festival at the local college the week before. I looked up to her and loved her attitude. I was such a teacher’s pet as well, I couldn’t help myself. I do think when someone leaves your life and then is reintroduced it’s for a reason. Apparently she co-owns a bookstore downtown, and I’m looking to doomscroll less. I’m praying to find a gem there and discover what it is that has brought us back together.

I was gifted a massage and I’m redeeming it tomorrow. Rest and rejuvenation. I deserve this! Need it more than anything. Today I went with my stepmother Rosie to have a girls day. It was nice to spend that bonding time. We had breakfast and I ordered chocolate and coconut flake pancakes. Just greedy, I couldn’t finish them but the two I did have were so freaking good. A friend gifted me a Hello Kitty waffle maker and I know exactly what I’m going to make first. We chatted about life then went and got our nails done. Mine match my princess tree, pink with colorful glitter. So pretty! While she got her lashes done I walked around Barnes and Noble. I’m not allowing myself to buy more books, especially full price, but I did take stock of what’s missing in my library and the importance of reading those books on the banned list.

ThriftBooks is my best friend these days. I have so many I need to read. I just purchased two written by Wendy Williams about her life. I loved her on the radio as a child, messiness included. Her story so far about growing up and feeling different really struck a chord with me. What I loved most about her is when she discusses having visions of her future and being so sure in where she wanted to go and that she didn’t allow anyone to knock her off her path, not even herself. That speaks to me so loudly. I think it’s easy for people to project onto me who they think I am but I am so sure about myself these days and where I see myself going. I just have to stay consistent. Faith without works is dead. She owns her drug problems and spoke briefly about her sexual assault. To be honest about what is usually hidden in the dark takes strength. I’m sure her story helped many and that lets me know that I have to keep sharing as well.

What are you leaving behind this year? What did you shed? I’m shedding perfectionist and overachieving tendencies. I’m shedding the need to be liked by everyone and feeling like I need to fit myself into a box to please all. I’m shedding the belief that I can do all by myself. I need help and acknowledge that. I’m shedding the need to cope via substances. I am sitting in all those uncomfortable emotions and thriving in the joy that I’m finding in each day. I’m shedding unworthiness and feeling the need to prove myself to others.

What I’m taking into this next year with me is being more aware and trusting my intuition, trusting my dreams, trusting the energy. It’s possible that logically the choices I make do not make much sense but following those little nudges has saved me from repeating that which I had escaped by the skin of my teeth. There is a cycle I’m living through that has shades of what I experienced two years ago. Now that I know, I have no excuse but to handle things differently.

I’m taking Faith into the next year. I purchased a pink bible today. I’d like to read it. I’m focusing on my spirituality as well. I want to bring an idea I‘ve dreamt to life. More on this in the near future. I’m keeping my momentum going as far as my writing is concerned. I truly believe it can take me somewhere and that a positive difference can be made in the lives of many. That’s so meaningful to me. I’m going to continue living authentically, whether people understand me or not. The right people will find me and be allowed to stay around. I’m inviting in good energies, especially into my home, my oasis. I start gushing when I speak on how much I love it. May sound like a broken record but I never felt more blessed.

This has been a trying year and it’s been the most transformative. I welcome that energy in as change is inevitable. It takes me a minute but I get with the program!

Merry Christmas to all. Happy New Year to all.

I’m wishing you the very best as we step into a new chapter.

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Until next year,

xoxo,

Ashanti