I Just Had an Epiphany

I don’t play the lottery because I’m delusional enough to believe I would win but I know I wouldn’t be able to handle the pressure of having so much money, so suddenly. I’d rather spare myself the stress and thus will continue spending my money on iced lattes instead of lottery tickets. But if someone I love wins and they break me off a little something then hey — I can’t go blocking my own blessings.

I’m at a peculiar place in life. As we transition into the next season physically, with tonight’s full moon and total lunar eclipse, I know spiritually, as a collective, we are entering into a new period. This morning felt like a fresh start for me. The beginning of the next chapter. I dreamt so deeply and woke up feeling like girl — you need to get serious! I’m becoming more sure of who I am, what I value, what is of importance and because of my dream: how am I defining success? That last question was heavily on my mind when I woke up.

I never sat down to think that through and admittedly I have found myself getting caught up in numbers games and comparing myself to others. Wanting my poetry to garner likes and views on Instagram and TikTok and to be seen, in a way I felt I hadn’t been when I was younger. To my dismay, I do fall into the trap that is comparison. Comparing myself to my peers and those in my age group especially since in society there are certain “life goals,” you’re suppose to hit by a certain age. An outdated concept yet indoctrinated into me, into many of us. A relationship, a family, a car and a six figure job have all eluded me but I was blessed enough to have moved into my own place. To be able to do things independently, like traveling. Not to mention the creations I have brought to life and even performed in front of small crowds of people. That’s my own success. I know if I continue comparing what I was able to do to those who have not or comparing what I was not able to what others have I’d never feel pride in myself and how far I’ve come. And I know I have come far! I don’t want my joy continuously stolen. So, word to Michael Jackson, I’ve gotta look in the mirror and make a change! It all starts with me and shifting my perspective after all.

My ideas of success have been heavily based in material world as I still search for external validation. To say I don’t want it would be a lie, as if I didn’t care what people think about me because to some extent I do. Do they like my art? Does it resonate with them? But to do everything with the hopes of praise and acknowledgment from others would leave me forever at their will. If they don’t like it, do I quit? Of course not. Where my art is concerned, I have to remember to do it for myself, speak my truth, express myself the way I see fit and from there the right people will find it. I’m also a victim of instant gratification. I know I’m not alone in that. It is of utmost importance that I be more dedicated to my craft, intentional in how I create and mindful of the messages I want to share instead of pushing content out all while being more consistent. I can’t build the audience if I don’t do these things. I won’t feel successful if I’m not willing to put the work in and motivate myself to write even when I don’t want to. I want to show myself I can be dedicated and disciplined to that which brings me joy. If I want success for the long term, I have to be willing to take the time to build a proper foundation.

Two weeks ago before I had this dream, I had told myself that I wanted to do a writing challenge. I would write everyday whether that be journaling, where I’ve found inspiration as I’ve gotten back into the habit, poetry or blogging. My poetry has taken a back seat recently, but I began to write with no plans to post for others to see. Just between God and I. I want to write a book before I leave this plane of existence, that is one of my personal goals. I want to do it my own way, not without help of course but with almost none of the 100+ poems I’ve written over the last three years. I want it to be more adult in content, not just erotic though I do have fun writing those, but I want it to really display my growth and showcase that I am a woman of depth. When I do my 30-days of poetry each April, I have fun but to push that much work out I don’t feel I’m giving my best — though of course there are some gems. Success for me when writing poetry is writing and then kicking my feet and giggling to myself because it just hits me in a different way. It’s expressing my emotions, all of them, in the best way I know how. If my message can reach someone, whether they tell me or not, and I can make them feel something and move them, then I would feel successful.

I’d like to find success outside of my career. I’ve been contemplating accepting more responsibility but the truth is, and I’ve been hearing it a lot: “a job is what I do, not who I am.” I am an artist. I am a creator. I am a nurturer. I care deeply and I want to be sure to pour that care into myself and what I enjoy doing. I can’t give all of myself to that which is giving me a paycheck beyond what’s in my job description. There’s more to this life than that.

Besides that — I’ve been thinking about wants vs needs. I think everything I want I deserve, so does that make it a need? Might sound spoiled but yes! But seriously, living in my own place has put a lot into perspective and I’ve been enjoying it so far. Do I really need all the cute decorations in my cart? No. Do I need more toilet paper and paper towels and tooth paste and and and. There is always something to buy for the house I swear but I’ve been taking pride in making sure I’m all stocked up and making the time to keep my home clean. Sometimes I’ll spend a whole Sunday cleaning in the morning with music or I’ll find days throughout the week to do a little here and there. Clean as you go is my motto and no dirty dishes left in the sink overnight! The kitchen is closed after a certain time — unless I want an ice cream sandwich before bed. Do I need it?

Do I want to win the lottery? Not enough because I haven’t bought a single ticket. What I do need to do is make sure that I’m saving up but still allowing myself a little treat here and there. I’ve been cooking a lot lately as opposed to ordering out. I can’t help but talk and write about it because I’ve been enjoying it so much. Tonight I’m making sausage and peppers on a sandwich and maybe pasta on the side so the leftovers don’t feel like leftovers tomorrow. That’s one thing about it, I need to learn portion size. I still cook like it’s not just me and then I’m eating the same thing for almost a week. In this world, a good problem to have honestly but I like a little switch up. At least mid-week! I want to be less wasteful and that’s probably a need, get my moneys worth out of everything.

Navigating adulthood has been so interesting because I never thought this far ahead and if I had I would not have imagined it looking like this. Successful in my own right because I got to do things in my own way. It may not happened when I wanted it but it happened for me when I needed it. I’m learning to trust again. To believe. To have Faith.

I am grateful.

xoxo

Ashanti

⋆༺❀༻⋆