To Be Alive

I easily find comfort in routine, in the predictable. I swear I don’t like surprises. Swore. The tides will ebb and flow. The sun will set and the moon will rise. Baggy jeans will soon go out of style and they’ll be back, but you won’t catch me in skinny jeans. I will walk into the office with an iced coffee.

I’m such a Grandma’s girl!

I love them both immensely and they’ve both taught me different lessons, whether they realize it or not. I was chatting with my maternal Grandmother, who welcomed me into her home in Brooklyn, about our feelings. I’m a Cancer, she’s an Aquarius. I’m much more expressive and she’s a great confidant but in the moments when she shares what she’s feeling I do my best to listen. A little guilty of trying to manage other people’s emotions, but hey we all have faults. I was telling her that I felt we had only ever lived in our hometown, it’s what we know, but us moving away was God giving us an opportunity to step outside of our comfort, outside of survival. Though I’ve moved back home living with her for that period of time taught me not only how to live but I learned to love life.

I want to give thanks to the girl I was, I have to give her these well deserved flowers because she led us here. Blessed enough to be building upon her blood, sweat, tears and laughter. Resilience. 29. Admittedly, I tend to hold on for longer than necessary so shedding and accepting older versions of myself took some time. That which I believed to be true I began to question. I lost things I thought I would have forever, but I gained so much more. Peace of mind. I never considered what being this age would look like for me. I knew I liked reading but never figured I would love writing the way I do. Never saw myself writing poetry, let alone getting on stage and performing in front of crowds and truly enjoying it. Voice shaking and nervous as hell, I had never felt more alive.

We talked about how I wasn’t taught to feel my feelings as a child but how it doesn’t give me an excuse as an adult not to. Better late than never. As a lifetime learner, I realized I would only feel alive if I allowed myself to feel, even those feeling I had been running away from. I could no longer be numb or avoidant. How daunting. On one end, exhausting but on the other — fulfilling. I experience life in such a spiritual way but I’ve been trying to navigate in the material world, I’m still human after all. I find myself where I was trying to escape two years ago: same city, same job, and same people, though life has given me a perspective shift. I can only control my response to what’s happening around me. Mentally, I feel I’m in a much better space. I feel more sure of who I am as a woman, as a person and knowing it’s time to put my lessons into practice. What other baby steps can I take to get out of my comfort zone? How can I lead more with my heart instead of following fear? Please don’t say a drivers license. I know it’s inevitable but still…

My paternal Grandmother is so magical. My inspiration, my role-model, my everything. Dramatic? Maybe, but my love for her runs so deep. A Gemini, who has taught me so much about the seen and unseen. My family is full of so many creatives. As I’ve grown, so have they and I’ve watched her and my Uncles continue to pour into their respective crafts. They taught me that dreams do come true, not overnight but with consistency and dedication the fruits of your labor will be most delicious. It’s helping me redefine my relationship with myself, with success, with my art and with my creative process. My biggest cheerleader as I branched out into writing poetry! She’s under every Instagram post dropping knowledge or cheering her Shantipoopoo on. Nobody else better call me that, I swear! I never want her to stop though. My poetry helped me transmute a lot of negative emotions associated with old traumas like guilt, resentment, embarrassment, that feeling of never quite fitting in even when I tried, or shame in my sexuality. Her love propelled me forward. She recently invited me to an art show her and my Uncles are hosting. The theme is: joy and homage! I find myself honored and excited. I won’t ever stop writing about sad things, that’s what poetry was made for, but it’ll be a lovely change of pace. I haven’t been on stage in months.

I really was always the kid that didn’t want to play, please let me stay inside and listen to what the adults are talking about. Not nosey, just curious. Duh! She taught me much about spirituality. I am a novice in comparison, so when she talks I listen closely. In August 2024 I wrote about how beautiful I felt in the color purple which was the color of a the sweatshirts the daycare I worked at provided. Side-note, I miss those kids. I always used to tell them “be gentle with Ms. Ashanti, she’s a flower,” and so sweet they listened…until the next time I was getting beat up. I’m a bit hyper-fixated on how I feel when I wear certain colors and she wrote down which colors are associated with which day of the week. In the “Nothing Rhymes with Orange?” blog I promised I would perform this experiment.

Sunday, September 21, 2025 — Orange

optimism, creativity, motivated | self-indulgent, superficial, overbearing | chakra: sacral — sexuality and sensuality

Let’s get this out the way: I’m sexy! It was not until I began to tap into my creativity that I felt so.

I had decided on Friday when the kids got dropped off and my mom left me a purple shirt that this would be the perfect week for me to dress in the colors associated with each day. As much as I love orange I don’t own enough of it besides my fluffy orange coat. I remembered I owned this orange dress that probably would not go past my assets, better just wear it as a shirt. I felt so pretty! Earlier this month I had texted my Mother and Granny that I wanted to cook for them. I did not have a housewarming though people have been kind enough to help me furnish and decorate my place. My home is my oasis, cozy and warm and filled with my own energy. I’m picky on who and when I invite people over. My mother said keep that same energy and I did!

I wasn’t anxious but I was excited, truly! It’s all I could talk about leading up to it. Before going to sleep I would be thinking about the menu, how to cook the ribs just right and hoping I didn’t mess up my Dad’s mac and cheese recipe.The ribs were marinated overnight. It was my first time making a roux! I was worried at that step but once I added the heavy cream and the cheese, I knew I was golden. I was up at 10:00 am cooking and didn’t finish until almost 2:30 pm. Food just tastes better when you want to cook, when you do it from the heart. My family loved it, took it home and ate it again the next day. A successful day! My Step-dad said I looked like a flower. Happy, happy, happy. Joyful. And I beat my siblings in Connect-4 and asserted my eldest sister dominance. I loved every second of the day.

Monday, September 22, 2025 — Blue

calmness, serenity, truth | depression, coldness, loneliness | chakra: throat — creativity and communication

Communication is not only about speaking but listening. I am working on both. I think I have gotten better at expressing myself, not only through poetry but probably not without tears. Listening is playing a big part in my life as I’m constantly being reminded we have two ears and one mouth for a reason. Also, kind of focusing on observing what’s going on but not adsorbing the energies. That is a work in progress. I have struggled with depression and now that we’re going into the Fall and the sun is gone by time we’re out of work I am being mindful of what I can do to keep myself in good spirits. Surrounding myself with color, whether it be art, clothes, or flowers helps me but so does speaking up, advocating for myself and being honest. I’ve learned some serious lessons since moving back home and I am enjoying my life. I want to keep doing that and see where it could take me. Magic does exist. So do dreams. I think I’m in for a fun ride!

On this day my boss was away. I got a lot of work done but also got taken out to a nice little all-women lunch at one of his favorite Italian restaurants. It felt nice to connect with the women around me not only about work but just sharing more about who we truly are. I’m complimented a lot on my calm demeanor. Someone once asked if I take a Xanax before I come to work because I work for someone constantly under so much pressure with a lot on their plate, how do I stay so calm? I think it’s a survival thing. My mind could be whirlwind but on the outside I put on a strong front. It works but when I come home I let myself break down. Journaling lately has been helping me regulate my emotions and check-in with myself. When my Gran came over on Sunday she brought me magazines because I wanted to do a vision board and in the bag was one of my notebooks from 2023. It was filed with one page of brainstorming themes for this book that has been on my conscious for years now. They say writing a book is like birthing a baby — I’ve done neither but I would like to nurture this book like I would a newborn. What will I learn about myself? What am I willing to share? What will people learn about me?

Tuesday, September 23, 2025 — Red

passion, energy, stimulation | anger, frustration, irritability | chakra: root — sense of safety and grounding

Red is my power color but on this day I did not feel quite so powerful. At least not during the work day. Lethargic and irritable. I woke up early after having a dream that had unnerved me. I had lunch with a friend and had a good conversation where I shared my interpretation but hers made me feel so much better. Then we got on the subject of me dating. I swear I think everyone wants me to find a person but sheesh I finally feel I’m in space to thrive doing what I love if I focus on that. But I guess this is the natural progression of things. I have a job, an apartment, surely dating should be the logical next step. I do want companionship, of course, but I don’t want to force anything because I’m good at that. I also don’t like the idea of playing with anyone’s feelings, especially when my heart is somewhere else. My stinky-winky is out there!

When I got home I started writing this blog. Writing is my passion, but so is singing. So I sang, performed and wrote until I got tired. Finding your voice when you’re writing is not easy. I’m still iffy on what I share but for the most part this blog has been a dedication to my growth as a woman. You can read the shift in confidence, in finding myself, in being more assured. I don’t read the old posts but maybe I will. I like having this space as an archive. I like to think it can help others too. That thought is always in the back of my mind. Not only the words that I say but there is something about seeing someone share their creative sides that inspires, like how my Grandmother and my Uncles inspired me. I want to be that for someone else. There’s more to life than work and this doesn’t feel like work. At one point it was something I thought I could monetize but I find much more fulfillment in me doing it because I love it. You can see the difference just based on consistency. Word to Drake, the minute I stop having fun with it, I’ll be done with it! But the words will live on.

Wednesday, September 24, 2025 — Yellow

spontaneous, youthful, adaptable | anxiety, cowardice, betrayal | chakra: solar plexus — will-power and self-confidence

“Sun, sun, Mister Golden Sun, please shine down on me!” We used to sing this song with the kids at the daycare.

The morning was gloomy but I felt like a ray of sunshine. On my way to get an iced coffee — cold brew with oat milk and white chocolate syrup to be exact, I saw a necklace in the tree. With the moon and a star. So drawn to the moon to the point I got it tattooed, it felt like the sign of a good day. Cancers are ruled by the moon, emotions changing like the tides. We’re moody! I’m convinced though that the yellow sweater helped kick the vibe off right because this was my favorite day of the week (so far!)

Since I was being healthy and had pineapple and watermelon for lunch, I think I earned a yummy dinner. You ever had a meal that makes you dance? Makes you sing? Has you giggling and rubbing your feet together? I do and this night was no exception. I made a cheesesteak, I won’t call it a Philly but yo — when I tell you it almost put me to bed. Yellow peppers and onions and seasoned perfectly and the bread was just right and it wasn’t too cheesy and honestly I added a little barbecue sauce so it was kind of smoky and tangy. Like. I season from the soul, not utensils so I’m just praying I can recreate it. But there was no time for sleep. Tired of my pineapple, but not yet ready for braids, I stayed up until 1:30 am twisting my hair up. I went to bed smelling just like blue magic grease.

Thursday, September 25, 2025 — Purple

royalty, spirituality, intuition | arrogance, ungroundedness, over-extravagance | chakra: crown — connection to the divine source

Soon as I put this purple shirt on, I felt regal! A beautiful goddess. I don’t wear this color often other than the previously mentioned sweatshirt and I think it’s a shame. I’m infatuated. I’ll probably do my nails this color next.

Is it better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all?

Today I attended my first Shiva for my former boss who lost her mother. I am painfully awkward during times of grief and loss, too focused on finding the right words when there are none. Too in my head. I think that’s an always thing. This time was not about me but about being there physically for someone who loss someone they held dear. I respect other people’s culture and enjoy stepping into their world — I found myself intrigued by how they mourn. They cover mirrors, so you don’t consider vanity but instead allow yourself to feel, especially since you aren’t allowed to shower for pleasure, cut your hair, do your nails, wear makeup or jewelry. You need to just be.

My former boss’s favorite color is purple. It felt comforting to be in this color on this day. She told me her mother’s favorite color was hot pink and she wore it under her black dress at the funeral, she showed me her mother’s stained glass art and it was beautiful, and she told stories of how making chocolate treats brought them together. In that way, she still lives on.

For that reason I say: loved and lost.

Friday, September 26, 2025 — Green

balance, fertility, growth | greed, jealousy, immaturity | chakra: heart — love and kindness

My heart has been healing and I’ve opened myself up to love. I can confidently say that I love myself. I feel sorrowful sometimes because why did it take me so long? Is this how I could have felt all along? This was my lesson to learn in this life, probably one I will continuously be learning as I meet more versions of myself, but I can say that I am proud of me. The heart chakra doesn’t only focus on love but kindness, compassion and forgiveness. I’m learning to extend these things to myself and not just to others. I found myself obsessed with green for a time, still kind of am. Lime especially! Then Wicked came out… How could I not mention sage and forest green? Or emerald? So many variations and they all look so flattery. I love nature. Could spend most of my waking hours outside shoes and socks off, feet in the green grass. That is my safe place. I don’t have to wear a mask when it’s just me and trees. It’s my muse. I find so much inspiration when I’m out.

Today I wore green and gosh I wish I knew what the shade was called because I want to find more clothes or even cute little decor in this color. I would be so happy! I woke up early because there was a breakfast meeting today and I had to pick the food up and get to office before the guest got there. I was annoyed at first but I gave myself enough time to slowly get ready and even grab a coffee that I ended up ordering to the wrong location! (Second time I did this mind you. Might be a sign. I’m ignoring it.) And yet, I did not let it get me down. I felt so stinkin’ cute it didn’t matter. They do say when you look good, you feel good. I set everything up and ran back out to grab a little breakfast and pick up my journals — always unlined because I don’t like feeling constricted, along with some motivation stickers. I’ve been writing so much more lately it feels good to be finding my groove again. Change is a bit hard for me to deal with but since I know it’s inevitable, I know to give myself time to find a routine that works for me. Now that I’ve found it and have this new space, my sparks of creativity come about more frequently. I’m working on a little arts and crafts project tonight.

Tomorrow, there’s an important event at work that I won’t be in attendance for. I have an even more important family event to attend. A baby shower!

‘Shanti love the kids!

Saturday, September 27, 2025 — Black

protection, wisdom, authority | despair, mourning, spiritual blindness

My cousin’s baby shower was today and she looked beautiful in blue along with her boyfriend as they celebrated their baby boy. I’m Auntie ‘Shanti these days and part of the older cousins circle, that shit feels so surreal. The little kids ran around, danced and play fought while the teens sat off to the side on their phones. I need someone to give me the baby shower meatball recipe, I don’t want to wait for someone to be having a baby for me to eat them, they were so good. I won not a single game played, not even bingo I was so sad. I’m a competitive woman after all. It was nice to spend time with family I hadn’t seen in a while and the playlist had a few Nicki songs on it. Can’t beat quality time.

Wisdom does not come with age but experience and in my experience though the world may seem bleak, acts of kindness go a long way. Before I made it to the baby shower I ran into a man who asked for a burger and fries, I obliged and got him a coke and a free lollipop the diner had on display. I share this not to boast, but to encourage if you’re able. I feel people are put in our paths for a reason and I hope to run into him again. I would want someone to do the same if me or anyone I cared for if ever we ended up in that situation. Its so easy to say “could never be me,” until life humbles you. If you can’t give money or food, to just engage in conversation, a small smile and acknowledge those without shelter as people, it makes a difference. I find myself drawn to work where I feel I’m making a difference and truly helping those in need, I think I will find a soup kitchen to volunteer at.

I had a lot of fun this week! Ebbs and flows, I had high and low moments but I enjoyed it overall. Looking forward to what each day would bring and what I would wear and how I would style each color was a lot of fun! I’m an accessory girl bad, I really want to buy some new rings and little crystals bracelets, mine are on the way out which just means they’ve done their job. I’m looking forward to my open mic in October but a little nervous because I’ve never performed in front of my family besides my mother’s wedding. I told my her that my poem would be dedicated to my Grandma and she told me she knows I’m going to cry.

I couldn’t deny it and here is the heads up: please expect tears before, during and after the performance. I wish I was joking.

Until next time —

xoxo

Ashanti