Joy as Rebellion
I have allowed life to pass me by days, weeks and months at a time. Aching for a purpose but not picking up on the hints, not actively engaging but rather passively observing what it has to offer. Wishing, hoping and praying that it would come to me instead of me taking the time to enjoy the journey, to search, to experiment and experience. I decided a few years ago that I could no longer wait for others to do the things I wanted to do, if I did, I would be waiting forever. I went to Hawai'i solo and haven't traveled that far since, but what I learned sticks with me today: joy is a choice. Life has been sunshine, rain and even torrential downpours, a constant cycle, but with everything happening in the world, I am choosing to find joy.
Understandably, it's easy to allow life to weigh you down. "If it ain't one thing, it's another!" It's always another, everywhere you turn: another headline, another bill, another headache. And I'm at a stage where I just can't let them win. I know there will be ups and downs, but I gotta have fun too! We're living through history and yet and still, those before us survived through the arts. Do you think disco music will make a comeback? Or recession pop? Personally, I've been feeling very Pitbull and Ne-Yo these days.
I knew my rent was gon' be late about a week ago (hey)
I worked my a- off, but I still can't pay it, though (whoo)
But I got just enough to get off in this club (hey)
Have me a good time, before my time is up
Hey, let's get it now!
Life can't be all work and no play! I'm singing just a little louder, dancing with two left feet but a lot of shimmying of the shoulders. I'm finding my spark again! Balancing holding onto my youth by nurturing my inner-child while also putting on my grown woman panties. Maturity. Responsibility. I can't be silly and dilly-dally all the time. I guess (with an eye-roll) there is a certain level of freedom you get when you handle your business. Grown money to do all the fun things that enrich a younger you that couldn't afford it. The joy isn't only found it material goods.
In conversation, my Mother tells me to "have a good day on purpose," and though she may say her children don't listen, I promise I do at least put this into practice. I've been finding joy in the mundane. Everyday won't be good, and even less than that great, but you can still find sparks of joy in each. The days when I allow myself to rise slowly and take my time are my favorite. I want to stop picking my phone up soon as I wake up, but that is a work in progress. My Mother and Granny have a little groupchat and we check-in with each other throughout the day, sending videos and gifs. I've started helping my little sister with her math homework. We've only had one "if Johnny had five apples!" incident. I try to get out around noon to meditate in the sun. My coworkers and I are bonding lately, taking walks and having lunches together and trying to start a committee to hold a staff talent show. We stress throughout the day but we get our laughs in. Even during my most productive days, I find time to smile big and laugh loud.
Back in early-September, my Grandmother asked me to recite a few of my poems at our family’s “Homage & Joy in the Sanctuary” art exhibit. Who says no to their Grandma? Not I! I was so honored. During an interview with my Dad, she said this:
"Joy has always been our act of resistance," Yvonne reflects, her voice carrying the wisdom of generations. "When they tried to break our spirits, we created beauty. When they sought to silence us, we sang louder. This exhibition is our declaration that joy itself can transform the world — one heart, one community, one sanctuary at a time."
Art was hung around the church in different mediums, of artists past and present. There was so much loving energy in the room. My Mother, Brother, Father, Step-mother, and all my lovely Sisters were there to support the show and hear me perform in person for the first time. It was truly a family affair! I performed two very family friendly poems: “Dreams are Reality” and “My (Other) Grandma,” which was dedicated to my Grandmother. Not a tear was shed ‘cause I’m tough! Or because I avoided eye-contact the entire time. Anyway…I love being born into a family that nurtures creativity and gives you space and opportunity as you grow and work on your craft.
I recently woke up with a fright after an unsettling dream, praying that negative energy away. I'm used to dealing with my emotional turmoil on my own but I'm allowing myself to be open with my support system about how I'm feeling. I texted our little family groupchat and let them know I needed a hug. I spoke with both Grandmothers and my Mother and my mood lifted. Showing emotions is not "weak." I know I don't have to always be "strong," as if I'm not human, emotional and affected. I saw a butterfly on my walk to work some weeks ago, a reminder: transformation takes time.
On the weekends I still wake up early as if I'm going to work. I grab and coffee and sit out in the grass under the sunshine and journal. For weeks leading up, I had been thinking of what I could do to get active instead of being sedentary. I’m not a couch potato but I do love my bed! I’m getting older and know it’s better to take my health serious now instead of later. (If you’re into astrology, I’m going through a 6th house profection year.) I know I don’t want to be in the gym with a bunch of men or people judging and possibly recording. It’s crazy they make fun of you when you’re big but also make fun of you when you’re trying to exercise and lose weight. Could not make it make sense if you tried but I digress. Weeks leading up to this I was thinking I would be perfect in a class. Maybe boxing? As I’m sitting there journaling, I see a female coach teaching a couple of women how to properly throw a punch and pivot their feet. It was if they had been placed there for me. Are you going to take the hint Ashanti? You gonna take the opportunity? I know for a fact I would have regretted not taking their flyer that day.
When I lived in Brooklyn I was part of a woman’s circle. It felt so good to be connecting with other women and discussing our experiences in our different stages of womanhood and bonding over spirituality. This woman-led, all women boxing class is giving me what I’ve been missing out on since I moved back home: community and exercise. I have a support system but it’s still nice to be able to get to know, connect and find other people I can lean on, all while learning a little 1-2. We exercise then break-bread and bond over food. I was easily won over. I’m a woman guilty of being too in her own head so to be able to get into my body and focus on my breathing and coordination has been a welcome change for me. Different but necessary. I even punched a bag over the weekend. Y’all better watch out!
No but really I don’t want no problems. And if I can be truly honest, I have written about not feeling protected at different times in life. Like my body was not my own. Powerless. To be engaging in a workout that can help me not only be active but protect myself if necessary, is a great feeling. I’ve been searching for safety. There is much root chakra healing being done. Not to mention I’m not a person who handles anger well. It ruminates and I take it out on myself or others admittedly, passive aggressively. And that rage deep within explodes like a volcano on a random afternoon after years of lying dormant. You’d probably never see it coming. Poetry has helped me channel some of that energy but I think picking up these gloves will give me the chance to get out old anger and hurt and those everyday frustrations.
My sanctuary is bringing me the most joy these days. All I want to do is decorate and make it as cozy, and pink, as possible. So much pink and I don’t even think it’s a phase either. But adding color into my life, even in small ways, makes a big difference to my mood. Just yesterday I bought some privacy film for my windows that resemble stained glass. As the light shines through a rainbow is reflected into my bedroom. I love it here. I am at peace.
Until next time,
xoxo
Ashanti
₊˚˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖˚°❀.ೃ࿔*
