Badge of Honor

⋆.ೃ𐦍*:･⋆𐦍.ೃ࿔*:･

I’m guilty of many things: taking things personally, trying to control how people perceive me, being quick to cut people off but one of my biggest transgressions is buying books and leaving them on the shelf. They continue to pile up to this day. I lie to myself and say I’ll get to them eventually. And when eventually never comes then what?

“Women Who Runs with Wolves,” by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés has sat on the orange bookshelf close to my bed for some months, as has “The Artist Way,” by Julia Cameron. That’s one book I tried to read, I promise I did. I just refuse to wake up at 5 am to do those morning pages! I need every single hour of beauty sleep. But with “Women Who Runs with Wolves,” I find that I’ve picked it back up at such a necessary time in my life. Like I’m finally ready to read and take in the spiritual messages that are being relayed.

The author uses folklore and myths that have been passed down generation to generation, from culture to culture to discuss what it means to be a “Wild Woman,” a woman who goes against what is expected of her and follows her intuition, is soulful, passionate, and creative. We are innately powerful but we also experience life, guilt, shame, societal and familial pressures, we forget, we’re constrained. This book has been a gentle reminder to fully accept myself for who I am: a creator. There is beauty and chaos in that. The last three chapters I read have stuck with me, I was inspired to share my thoughts.

The Mate: Union With the Other

Told through the story of a man and his dog as the man attempts to marry twin sisters, this chapter discussed how the only equal for a Wild Woman is a Wild Man, with the sisters representing the duality of women and the dog and his owner representing the duality of man. The man entrusts his dog, his instincts, to get closer to the women as the only way he could marry them was by learning their name. The dog persisted despite distraction, temptation, and chaos and finally relayed their names to his owner. They were wed and lived happily ever after.

While breaking bread after boxing class the conversation turned to the men in our lives: boyfriends, husbands, children, brothers. It was a session of understanding our differences instead of bashing which was refreshing. One of the married women talked about how sometimes her and her husband are actually saying the same thing during a disagreement, maybe just in a different way. I found that funny. Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars. We also chatted about how a lot of what we deal with in relation to other people can be linked to our childhood. What triggers you?

I’m no good with rejection, stemming from feeling like the “other.” I’ve been dealing with that for a time, even into adulthood. Though I am living authentically now, it’s such a challenge to find myself in a relationship because really I would rather stop while I’m ahead. Wouldn’t even let you get the chance to hurt me. Funny to me but not in a laugh out loud kind of way. Fearful. I’m learning to not let it rule my life so I can live. People you love are going to hurt you, you will hurt them, not maliciously of course but forgiveness is important. I hold grudges. I may never stop. But I am working on forgiving my own self for the mistakes that I’ve made, and my plentiful embarrassing moments, working to forgive others and extend that same grace and compassion to them because I hope to receive it in return when I mess up. And I will mess up.

Women run on a 28-day cycle, mood ever changing. The person to win your heart would have to be the person who wants to understand the different sides of you, who is consistent in their wanting to connect, which lead into the next chapter and is probably my favorite thus far.

Hunting: When the Heart is a Lonely Hunter

I really enjoyed this chapter. The older I get the more I realize I embrace darkness, in the sense that taboo topics aren’t to be shied away from. Death is part of life, balance, they go hand in hand. The folklore shared is that of the Skeleton Woman, who was thrown into the sea where she lay for many years before being caught one day by a fisherman. He tried to run away and yet the two were so entangled in one another, he took her back to his cabin, gazed at her over the fire and he sang her a little song as he untangled her from the fishing line. He goes to bed, she drinks a tear from his eye, pulls his heart out and chants a song. No longer a skeleton, she is now covered in flesh, she returns his heart and they wake up skin-to-skin. They stay together and her time under the sea keeps them well-fed for life.

Spooky? Yes. Beautiful? Absolutely.

Neither the skeleton woman nor the fisherman knew they had found the one they would spend their lives with in that moment. Love comes when you least expect it, at least that’s what they say. And they say a lot. What you thought might have been temporary excitement or pleasure could turn into more with trust, patience, a showing of those deep emotions you might save for when you’re alone, and the exchange of body and soul. The fisherman takes the time to understand and untangle the Skeleton Woman and learns one of the most important lessons in life, that of creation.

The author goes into depth about what she calls the Life/Death/Life cycle of love and relationships. There is importance placed on seeing life and death as two sides of one whole instead of opposites. With each transformation in self and within the relationship is a shedding and a renewal. They leave each other forever changed in the story, as it should be.

Everything in life as a whole moves in ebbs and flows, relationships included. There will be growth seasons, harvest seasons and possibly even droughts where nothing grows. Death. And you’ll have choices: do you continue to try to cultivate or do you give up and move on?

Finding One’s Pack: Belonging as a Blessing

In this chapter the author shares a retelling of the ugly duckling. The ducking was only ugly because he really was a swan, mistakenly brought up around ducks. His mother exiles him in fear of being exiled by the other ducks, there is no where he fits in, no place or animal that resonates with him. It is not until he sees swans taking flight that he realizes he’s found where he belongs as they accept him, no questions asked.

I know what it feels like to grow up feeling odd, strange, like I didn’t fit in. I forced myself into spaces that I hoped would accept me as I was, or would accept me if I changed. Neither choice was ever good enough. I used to hurt over this, especially when it came to family, because I wanted to feel part of and yet also wanted to be able to be me.

As I age, gracefully at that, I am learning that I’d rather be in no company than with bad company! Please dance to the beat of your own drum and in certain seasons of your life you’ll find a guitar player or a vocalist or keyboardist and boom, now you’re in a band. There will be people out there who just get you!

In this section she discussed how people wear being a “survivor” as a badge of honor. Years go by and you’re still a “survivor,” having lived through the trauma and pain. And time still goes on, waiting for no one. And that’s all you’ve ever felt like, living amongst other “survivors.” It takes a lot of resilience to make it through but once you get through it there are next steps that are necessary to take.

When will you allow yourself to heal? When will you allow yourself to live? When is it your time to flourish?

I was guilty of this too. Maybe addicted to the trauma, I could only see life through that lenses. Living in survival mode because it was what I knew, that’s just how we were brought up. I was speaking to an older cousin earlier in the week and I told her it wasn’t until I started traveling that I realized there was more to life. Of course you know it, I’ve seen pictures but it was not until I experienced it that it truly dawned on me. My horizons were expanded. I wish travel was less expensive and more readily available for people, but when you’re impoverished you’re worried about making it to the next day with the basic necessities. Not only that but education plays a major role. Once you gain a certain amount of knowledge, you know there’s no going back anymore, only forward. No more “ignorance is bliss” darling, you know too much.

I’m so grateful to have grown up different. I graduated college. I got to travel. I moved out of my hometown for a year. I did not have children young. I have an apartment and time to just be me, a luxury not many before me were afforded. I am proud but I promise I do not take this for granted. I write about addiction often, which I am of the belief is an attack on our spirit. This is a curse that I have broken. I have been sober for a few months now, it feels good, different but I’m finding other outlets. God gave me talent and I know it’s up to me to hone my skills, I won’t allow what’s meant for me to pass me by because I’m escaping life, allowing that too to get away from me. My gifts are mine. Sacred.

I found my soul when I learned to love, when I learned to write. Passion. My flame burns brightly these days, I love experiencing this side of myself. This little butterfly is transforming!

⋆.ೃ𐦍*:･⋆𐦍.ೃ࿔*:･

My mother celebrated her birthday a couple weeks ago. A Scorpio! We were a home of water and fire signs like Jersey Shore, take that for what it's worth. My siblings spent an extended weekend with me and this time it felt like a real sleepover, at least between my sister and I. We watched Bad Girls Club and ate snacks. I taught her how to play Scrabble. I washed and twisted her hair. She let me put my cold feet on her. We laughed late into the night. She actually improved since our tutoring sessions began, receiving a C+ on her last math test. Ms. Ashanti is so proud!

I went to boxing class and came back ready to try out what I learned on my brother. We learned jabs and hooks and recently upper cuts. I feel so silly and uncoordinated but I love it. I got in my stance and showed him a little something! Even tapped him on the nose, oh my gosh I felt so bad. He had put me in a headlock earlier in the day so I think that made us even. They're both teenagers but my brother is a little older, I'm trying to learn how to connect with him. What the hell is 6 - 7? Don't answer that, I don't want to know.

I cooked dinner all weekend and honestly. I had some hits but a big miss I cannot live down. I must be redeemed! We had Ashanti's version of Chipotle one day and then on Sunday BBQ ribs, potato salad and corn. I didn't let my potatoes cook long enough, I'm so hurt and they were seasoned perfectly but that didn't matter 'cause they were so crunchy. My sister said it felt like biting into a cucumber. I'm going to get it right next time I swear! Ribs though, off the bone, as they should be. Our Granny came over and beat us in Trouble again. I love being able to have people over in my space, also happy when they leave and I can reset, have my energy be the only floating around. I've been burning a lot of Jasmine incense lately, it feels and smells so peaceful.

My nephew just turned one and my sister threw him a "wild ones" birthday party. I bought him a DJ mixer toy I had been seeing all over Tiktok and don't regret it a bit. As an aunt, it's only right I buy the loud, obnoxious toys for the children to share. I also gifted my sister a photo album with photos of her as a child, photos of both my niece and nephew and our family just to start her off. Very sentimental, I cannot help it. The decor was so cute and there were so many children just running around. My niece and I danced together, she's such a character!

There was a full moon recently. The energy was delicious. I visited a botanica and bought a few candles and herbs. I feel content for the most part. I can admit work gets the better of me sometimes as far as my attitude goes. I want to release stress, worry, anxiety, overthinking. It won't happen overnight but I know I can take the proper steps. I am grateful, and my heart and mind are in agreement that I am right where I am suppose to be with more growing and learning to do. Thank God!

From my heart to yours,

xoxo,
Ashanti
˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀