I've never been this tan in my life

I've never drank so much coffee either.

Tan lines are so sexy to me. Like, I just feel extra sexy when I'm brown(-er than usual) and glowing. Trouble is in Hawai'i, you can only use mineral sunscreen -- so I'm walking around looking like an ashy ghost.

The barista gave me a free coconut macadamia nut coffee. My third of the day. How can I woman say no to such an act of kindness? Especially when this is my favorite flavor combination and the true reason I took this trip. We talked for a bit about where we're from, he's from the Phillipines, what we do for work, and our families, blood-related and chosen.

I spoke to an older woman from the UK this morning while wading in the water and she gave me advice on where to get the best drinks, the best live entertainment, the best shoewear for the beach. Heavily considering a virgin pina-colda but it really needs to be served in a pineapple.

A kind man moved my things closer inland. Imagine seeing your shoes floating in the water next to you when you left them on the shore.

When I tell people I like to travel solo they always ask me why? "What are you going to do? Who are you going to talk to?" Thing is, so many of us are seeking connect with other people, wanting to be seen and heard. I love traveling solo because I like to be on my own time and vacation how I choose but not only that, when you're open to it you meet so many interesting people.

My luggage arrived hours after me yesterday but that didn't stop me from buying a few things and making sure I took myself to the beach early. I like to get up before the sun rises and by 7AM people are already on the beach and even in the water, surfing and swimming, before it hits it's peak in the sky. It's gorgeous out today. I'm thinking it's time to learn to swim. I been knew I had to but not learning never stopped me from getting in the water and riding the waves. I only want to swim so I can learn to surf. I'm just so curious about what it feels like to be in tune with the ocean in that way when you can anticipate whats next. It's such an unpredictable phenomena.

I feel I have so much time on my hands I don't know what to do with it and I like it. I feel at peace and relaxed. I spent so much time in the water and am planning to get back in after writing a bit. I did need a break from the sun. The woman I spoke to earlier described the sun as seductive and I get what she means. You can't get enough of it but too much of a good thing is not so. The only time I've ever gotten a sunburn, I had taken the best nap of my life in Puerto Rico on the beach. It embraced me warmly like a lover but the burning and itching after... Does that sound like I caught something? That's so silly! My bad. I crack myself up, I'm leaving that in.

I'm trying to let a lot of the old go. I didn't want to take it on this trip and truly don't wish to take it back home with me at the very least. Old memories come up again. Things I'd locked away. Old regrets. Shoulda, coulda, wouldas. I cannot change the past and I cannot run away from it either. I'm learning to own my shit. Accountable? Yup, that's me! And that feels good actually. While I haven't let all go, I've let enough to the point where my spirit feels lighter.

I need a few more visits. I need to see the Big Island and Maui and then I'm sure I would move here. It's one of my dreams, has been for a long time but this feels more official. So what do I have to do to make it a reality? I would do what it takes. Someone asked me what brought me here, all I could reply is that it calls out to me. You have to follow the gum drops in life. They're trying to lead you somewhere for a reason. I was led here once and then once more and if it was up to me I'd be back again and again.

I love seeing all the couples and families enjoying each others company here. I would want to share this special place, my little slice of paradise, with my someone special.

You know when you're a child and you go to the pool, lake or the beach with your family. You have your homemade sandwiches, chips and juice after you've been in the water all day. The bread of the sandwich sticks to the roof of your mouth and it's the best thing you ever had? For me, I had to put my chips on the sandwich. Doritos to be exact! Fruit punch or pineapple C&C soda or those sugary juice barrels. You go home and shower and have the best sleep of your life? That is what today feels like but part of me is not ready to go home just yet!

I told myself I wasn't going to feel guilty if I wanted to go back to the hotel early and nap or even just lounge around and watch television. I'm so tired but I want to stay and watch the sunset, which is four hours away. I can watch the sunset from my room. Needless to say: I'm feeling guilty!

I have a full island tour tomorrow which I'm very excited for. The area I'm in is very touristy, which doesn't bother me either way but I wouldn't feel right coming here and not learning some history and taking in the sights. I wouldn't feel right coming here a second time and not trying that pineapple dole whip.

I haven't been on social media in months. I actually have a fip phone now. The case is hot pink with rhinestones. I fold that phone in half real quick when I hear something I don't like. Click! A few minor inconveniences have occured because of this change but overall, life is more enjoyable. Feels more mine if that makes sense. I'm not thinking too hard about keeping up appearances or what is going on in the lives of people outside my immediate circle. If you don't come to me and tell me about it, how important is what's going on? Does that sound asshole-ish? Perhaps, but true for me all the same. I don't know if I could go completely off the grid. How else would I watch my shows and upload sporadically on my blog? But to step off the stage and live in my day to day has been a huge help for my mental health. It's brought me closer to God. God has brought me here.

I'm going to drink my coconut water, grab some sushi and head back to my room.

Admire my tan after me shower.

Watch the Real Housewives of Atlanta bicker.

And rest.

Until tomorrow,

xoxo,

Ashanti