To Waikiki, with Love

I turned thirty years old today.

I'm closer in age now to the characters of Sex and the City during their first season.

I'm feeling like Carrie Bradshaw on this flight but I'm only just learning to walk in one-inch kitten heels and she's a six inch or taller woman.

I binged the whole show, plus the first movie and half of the second, in the last two weeks. I have so many thoughts and some time before I land in San Francisco.

The last time I went to Hawaii, I did a direct flight. I would hate to sit next to me on a plane. I'm so antsy. So jittery, thanks in part to the espresso I drank before my 7AM flight. I just cannot sit in one space like this for too long without the option to move as I please.

This is my first time flying over many of these states and as much as I know I need to stop playing and get my passport, I wouldn't mind doing more domestic travel. What do they be doing over in Wyoming? I realized I didn't know much about Utah besides their Mormon population drinking lots of crazy soda combinations. I couldn't imagine living in a home that is miles away from your neighbors in all directions yet, I would love some land in the future.

I went to Hawaii five years ago in November on a whim and quit my job right after with no back up plan. Life is funny because I'm working that same job again, same boss and all and some of the same complaints and yet I know I'm a different woman. This time, this cycle, I know I did and am doing it different and it's shining through. I'm allowing myself to shine!

I used to want deeper connections with people so badly. Why won't they open up to me? Why can't I have friendships like the ones I've seen on television? I'm a big Miranda x Carrie girl, in terms of them as a duo and always being there for each other. All the ladies of good friends of course but lets be real, there's always a duo in a trio or in their case a foursome. Silly as it sounds, it took me time to learn that you have to be willing to open up and be vulnerable with people if you're hoping for it return. Thank goodness for emotional availability.

Life is about learning as you go and my twentys was full of lessons I'm happy to have learned young. I know they're renforced as you go, but whew, I think I was thrown in a blender so I'm feeling I can conquer all. I've been thirty a few hours but let me have this.

If I hadn't travelled solo to the islands of Waikikiiiiiiiiiiii (turns out it's not actually an island at all...) all those years ago I'm not sure when I would have learned the importance of slowing down in this life. I'm a city girl, I enjoy the hustle and bustle to a point but I realized I didn't want to live on the go-go-go forever. Slow and steady wins the race. Taking the time to build the foundation for longer lasting stability, with intention, will take me far.

I'm learning the importance of not feeling like I'm missing out on milestones my peers are hitting. My life doesn't have to look like anyone else's and I don't want it to. I'm unsure if this is a coping mechanism or what but I've always felt so apart that I now want to see just how far I can deviate. No more conforming. I'm letting my freak flag fly! And if you've read my poetry or seen me perform you might say I been did that, been popped off. That version of me served her purpose but was not totally true to the woman, the lady that I am and the way I was created. I'm more sure of who I am now and love myself much deeper and feel more confident about the path that I'm walking along. Thank God!

These last couple of years has taught me to love the life I have and live a life I love. Life is so full of possibilities and I don't want there to be many things I look back on and wish that I had done, explored or tried my hand at. I have more control of my destiny than I realized and I think knowing that has helped me shifted gears. I can't be the passenger in my own life anymore and then be confused why there's so many pit stops. Speaking of...I'll learn to drive this decade, I swear, 30-39 has got to be it! Pink Volkswagen buggie with the leopard interior here I come!

When I'm hyperfixated on something I enjoy, it becomes my personality -- I will incorporate it into each conversation. Whenever I bring up Sex and the City, the conversation always veers into -- well who do you relate to most? I see myself in each of them:

Charlotte sticks out to me most because I found myself getting annoyed with her wanting everything to be perfect, especially where her relationship with the men in her life was concerned and wanting to rush to the altar. I didn't need to see myself on screen like that, y'all! High expectations for people who didn't ask and that I don't even hold myself up to is wild. People give me so much grace and compassion and surely I do things that annoy them and vice versa but we look past it because we love each other. I want to be accepted for my flaws and need to love others despite whatever I perceive theirs to be.

I respect Miranda as an independent woman about her business. I love that she always says how she feels and isn't a "yes man," especially for Carrie and that they may argue but can make up and grow stronger. She could be rather jaded and negative but hey, happens to the best of us. I see myself in her in that I want to share my life with someone but am so used to being to myself and doing what I want to do, when I want to. I'll have to get used to being more "we," instead of just "I." I like to be in charge! But sheesh, I don't want to go through life being Ms. Hardbody -- your girl has been softening up and getting back to that sensitive side. It's sweet.

Samantha. She is my inner diagloue and exhibitions come to fruition. I just don't have to it in me, chile!

And just like that, Carrie. I'm hot and cold about her. I wanna be a heels everyday, all day woman. I'm sitting here on the plane giggling to my own self -- I missed writing like this! I like that she always kept loving. We're going to get hurt, life is tricky, having relationships with other people especially intimately is tricky but she never let that stop her from getting back up and loving again.

The friendship between the women was my favorite part of the whole show, and watching them navigate the City and life especially as they began to age left me wanting more. Though I did enjoy some of the men like Harry, Smith, Steve before the cheating (why did they make him do that...), and maybe even Big. I might love a right person, wrong time storyline because they kept choosing each other in the end. What else can I say?

I almost missed my connecting flight. I was fast-walked from one side of the San Francisco airport to the other, I needed to stretch my legs and made it in time. Tears subsided, I'm flying over the Pacific right now. Looking forward to a big, greedy birthday meal and ice cream afterwards. I don't have too many things lined up, wanting to leave room for spontaneity. I used to hate surprises, now I welcome them with open arms, especially because generally, they've been bringing such a smile to my face as of late.

Before I left work, a few thing happened. My boss asked me some weeks ago "do you need more work?" Excuse me... anyway. He retires soon so I think he was wondering why I didn't show as much interest in what we do and how I could be set up when he's gone. Did I want something more stimulating? We had a nice heart to heart and I told him I felt I had to come back to learn more from him and others that I work with. From him I have learned that I should not be taking things personally and that his foot steps is not what I'm wishing to follow. He has connections and could leave me in a position that would gear more towards success, on societal terms, and climbing the ladder. Titles and money. I'm more into what fulfills my soul and nurturing my spirit.

Right now, what is bringing me joy is baking. I'm taking orders for chocolate lava cake, a double chocolate cake with dark chocolate ganche and carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. I started bringing slices into work for my coworkers to try and then eventually full cakes. I have this lemon cake with lemon frosting I’m working on but it's a work on progress. I love sweetening people's day. I love cooking but baking especially and that moment when a person takes that first bite and ectasy takes over. Then they keep coming back for more and I've given them something to look forward to. Not only that but honestly, I've been sober since September and I like having a healthy outlet. When I'm mixing and creating I'm in the moment and my mind is quiet. I’m present. I'm calm.

Three days ago, I was out on a walk. I've been making it my business to get away from my desk during work and it's been such an enjoyable time for me to connect with myself, nature and pick people’s brains. When I got back to my desk, I was surprised with a cake and everyone singing happy birthday to me. I cried like a baby, I couldn't help it. But the cherry on top? People telling me the cake we bought from WholeFoods was not as good as mine. Yummy!

I’ll keep you posted!

With love and gratitude,

xoxo,

Ashanti