late at night when all the world is sleeping

I’ve got big dreams and know that I could not do it alone, in any area of my life.

The week flew by but it’s something about after 2PM that just creeps by — I would say since 9AM but I’m trying to be more positive.

Sometimes I browse. I was speaking with the IT guy and he said he wasn’t a snitch, I cannot imagine how much he sees. How often has he seen me print out recipes, play the crossword or scroll on Yahoo! to get a glimpse of the outside world? He didn’t even care about me needing to cut our conversation short so that I could go pick up the Fedex package that I was tracking from my work email. Today I was reading an article about a woman who was a writer and had written fiction short-stories that she didn’t initially feel mimicked her real life but hurt her mother’s feelings. What stuck with me was a quote by Philip Roth she included that read “write like your parents are dead.” Seemly morbid but more so means to express freely, as if no one, not even your parents are reading. It is hard to write when you feel you have to censor yourself, when you’re filled with shame about your truths.

I still try to protect the feelings of others and though there are things I can keep to myself, more likely should, all else I have to discuss from my own sanity. Understanding my truth has helped me accept the woman I’m becoming, especially during this time of transition.

I shared that quote to say a few things.

I am not wanting to do any favors. I’m realizing much of my business support will come from people I am not related to. Not that my family hasn’t been supportive but my coworkers have been showing out for me in such a beautiful way. My heart is full. Monday, I’m planning to treat them to strawberry shortcake cupcakes: vanilla cupcakes with strawberry filling and strawberry whipped cream. All made from scratch, with love. I’m really excited about it and other than my usual dozen, I’m hoping to scale up, two dozen and if I’m feeling especially good, three dozen. No promises though.

I love to shop alone because when I’m ready to really spend, I don’t want anyone keeping tabs and doing mental calculations. Rightfully, I have invested much into my business and so I’m happy to be spending on myself and improving my wardrobe. I bought the cutest clothes and it’s turtleneck season. How many can one woman own? I’m going to find out. Lots of pink, lots of brown, lots of leopard and if I’m lucky: at least one very pretty purple article of clothes. Colorful bangles? Gold rings? I’ve been eyeing this bag, I ain’t gonna buy it though so let me shut them real tight. I might open one up just a peak. (Sidenote: writing that reminded me of this — when you played Seven Up in school, did you peak at people’s shoes? Be real.)

I’m trying to live more in the present moment so I haven’t been sharing too much of my future visions. Only God knows this but the relationship I have with my parents is not the one I want my children to have with me. The love is there, of course. They say there is no rulebook and I won’t know what to expect. I am hopeful that there is a familial openness and closeness, our own traditions and quirks and comforts and and and

While on my way to dinner with my friend, she drove past these huge homes. I’m not wanting to be ostentatious. Coffee early in the morning and tea before bed on a lovely porch. Someone I can sit in quiet with during both of those moments, with lots of chatting in-between. You know how I feel about early mornings swims and meals as family. Praying together. Warm weather. A beautiful flower garden and homegrown fruits and vegetables. I used to say cows but who is shoveling the shit? Not I, said the fly. Chickens? Lots of physical media and board games. My mother used to read to me all the time. I’ve kept that with me and want to share in that. Lots of kissy-kissy behavior that make the kids go “ew!” Love and affection on display, as much as they may protest, is better to me than a cold, guarded, gap between husband and wife, mother and father.

My visions have not shifted, if anything they have began to flesh out though I’m sure there is so much more to discover.

We’ll keep that between us.