never too far away
The last time I was in a library was during college. I loved it actually! Now did much work get done? I graduated, so that was enough. Before that, the last I had been in the public library I remember vividly borrowing a book about using the potty. I had to be like five. I read it many times, I can still remember some of the images in my mind. I also recall not returning it and a letter getting sent to the house saying that I owed money. When I tell you I was so scared, at five, owing this institution money. I never paid and didn’t get my library card renewed until earlier this month. I was shaking stepping foot into the building. Would they know I still owed, by now, thousands or dollars over that potty book? Ha. The drama. The new scenery is nice and gives me an opportunity to buckle down and whip up nutrition labels for my cakes with a focused mind.
As I get older, I realize the importance of physical media. Soon as I stepped in I found a book entitled “To Die For: A Cookbook of Gravestone Recipes,” by Rosie Grant. Stories about people who have left their favorite recipes on their tombstones, their stories told to the author by their friends and family and in this way their memories and spirit kept alive. I find it so meaningful and is the reason I have taken to naming my cakes after my loved ones who have transitioned. I started baking because I kept buying slices of carrot cake from Wholefoods. Why buy it when I could bake it and so I did. This first cake is named after my Great-grandmother, my lady, Mary Lou Onque. My family tells so many great stories about her, how amazing her cooking was and how she could make and sell just about anything. The entrepreneurial spirit in my family in general and by her specifically, is energy I’m channeling as I step into this next phase. And I want my cake to be reminiscent of something your grandma, one of your aunts or a great cook in your family would have made. Like you take a bite and that bite takes you to a great memory. My coconut cake with banana custard is inspired by my Aunt Pat, who I’ve seen in the kitchen a few times but was the baker in our family. I remember watching her grandchildren lick the cake off of parchment paper and honestly, I wanted a turn. I’m sure I had one… She sold her “Patty’s Cakes,” to individuals and even bakeries in the neighborhood. I’m very inspired by these women. And even if they didn’t bake, how can I tie my ancestors into my work and keep their names alive?
I had the opportunity to present my carrot and coconut cakes to people outside of my workplace and that felt very magical. I wanted to badly to impress this group of mostly older black folk, because I knew they were going to keep it real with me. If they love something, they do so loudly, and if they don’t, they do so just as loud. So the stakes felt high but I swear I put both feet into them cakes. They were a hit!
So I’m here at the library, thinking of looking through some books and seeing what recipes I could try. The classics are important but so is, for me, trying new flavor combinations. Something with mango, guava or expensive ass passionfruit. And I generally try not to complain about prices but $4 for a single fruit. Chile bye. I’m saying bye, but I know I got this coconut cake with passionfruit curd at the top of my mind. I’m also needing to take the time and create these labels. I don’t want anyone getting sick or saying they didn’t know what the cake contained. I gotta watch my back and front.
How am I otherwise? I’m good but also I’ve just done some dumb, irresponsible shit. I’m upset with myself for it but have to live with my choices and so I am. I don’t like to make mistakes. And I knew better and still messed up. I don’t want to beat myself up though. I sulked, am still sulking here and there but for the most part, how do I get myself back up?
