one million and one kisses
I have some concerning news.
I can barely type right now, my vision is blurry, my head hurting, right is left and left is right.
The doctors is telling me that if I don't get a kiss soon I might just wither away.
Or is it the caffeine withdrawals?
Developing friendships in my adulthood has been challenging but rewarding. I know that the hard things are worth doing. I'm being vulnerable and open -- I know this is the only way to get that reciprocated. I've made a friend I would consider a sister, someone I can talk about a range of things with, a confidant, and who I can respectfully disagree with. I've been a, "oh we disagreeing, we can't be so cool anymore," person and I'm grateful for growth. I don't need a yes-man and I don't want to be one either. Can't relegate myself to sidekick either.
There are so many stars in the sky. It's lovely leaning into this sisterhood because we shine separately and encourage each other to shine when we're together. When we speak, eventually we land on men and relationships, and it's good to have another perspective and to have a woman with more experience help me navigate a space I've seldom been. A relationship? Whew chile, as much as I've wanted to be in one I know it was never the right time for a reason. I had to look deep inside, I don't have to be perfect but I had to let go of much and heal the parts of me I could do alone. Alone adjacent? I've had a lot of help along the way. A lot of being taught how to love being done.
Recently, she was telling me she had a crush. I love having those girly feelings and sharing in giggles about boys and their cooties. She was sounding like a school-girl. It was so cute! Just wanna do a little flirting, a little phone call. I would say texting but I ain't that quick on this flip phone. But we've both got caught up in doing the chasing. In my mind I'm like I know what I want, what I like, why can't I go get it? I think I should have it all! Ha. I don't want to be masculine, chasing because honestly I'm a long-distance runner. I can't wear them shoes any more, I'm in my kittens these days. I'm happy to have learned to step back and allow the right person to step up.
We also started talking about something that has been heavy on my mind because I'm a dreamer. A fantisizer. I'm just a girl, okay, and maybe I do fall into delusions. My head is in the clouds but I promise I'm planting my feet on the ground. Reality is, if I say I want something real I have to accept people how they show up to be, not who I want them to or who I've imagined. I'm trying to take expectations off of folks too. I need someone to accept me as I am and encourage my growth because I will do the same. And gosh, relationships are so tricky. I love to sleep in, babe. I actually need a lot of alone time and then on the flip side I wanna be clingy. Sometimes, my feet are ashy, okay! Come rub them. Like. I'm a human being. I'm moody, attitudy, and some more things I probably don't even recognize. You know what I mean? I'm happy that it never happened when I wanted but will in God's time because I would have always wanted to give the best version of myself to someone I care for.
Boys? Ew!
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wJZS09Nxb74
Oh Alfalfa,
xoxo,
Ashanti
