Thicker than cake batter

Music is such a spiritual experience and I've loved it forever.

This is a story I tell all the time. In third grade I transfered to a new school and decided I wanted to play violin. I begged my mother to let me play. I took my violin home a couple of times but barely opened the case. I went to practice a few times and realized the sheet music was essentially a foreign language. I wrote a letter to the music teacher so I could quit. Was it there I discovered my love of writing? What I do know is that looking back I wish I had just let myself be imperfect and learn and do the hard things. It took living for me to be able to say that. Thanks hindsight. What I love about life is that it is never too late. As a lifetime learner and passionate woman, I know that taking the time to learn to play an instrument would heal part of me. There is a keyboard in my livingroom. I'm looking for the right app for me to use to learn. That damn sheet music intimidates the hell out of me! I played along to a song with my right hand -- learning the importance of hand placement --and even that felt so heartwarming. Like, wow, I can really do this! I have to allow myself to be bad to get good. Much practicing to be done, chile.

My boss was away the last two weeks and though there was work to do, things were a bit quieter. Lovely. But he came back yesterday and I woke up so anxious. It was that feeling you get when you go on vacation and come back to hundreds of emails. In human form. So much to do and today I just felt so overwhelmed. I cracked. I had to step away and cry it out a bit. Not that today was bad, but it is hard to feel like I'm living someone else's life, on someone else's time and being told what to do nonstop.

Do I have issues with authority? Hm.

Do I want to be the boss? Yes.

I got home a bit late after work and then stayed up baking a cake to bring into work. It was my first time making yellow cake from scratch. It hits from the box every time, especially with the chocolate frosting. Hood classic. I wanted to recreate that. I made chocolate buttercream from scratch too. All with love. The cake was thicker than me and very dense. When I tried it before bed it tasted a bit like cornbread. I was nervous about taking it to work. I want people to love everything I make but I'm human and imperfect and I'm still learning so I know that I have to be open to that constructive criticism. Most people loved it, some agreed it was too dense, someone even said too dry. Now girl, you left it out from 9AM to almost the end of the day. I'm going to let that slide. Someone needed more icing and they loved it, another confused it with the chocolate ganache I make and didn't expect the taste. In saying this I realize, I won't please everyone because we all have different tastes and I also have to be honest with myself and try and then try again.

I'm enjoying this process a lot. I'm getting to know those I work with much more. I love putting a smile on people's face and food in their bellies. Think people are coming to work on time because of me. I put it out at 9AM and it's gone before 9:30AM. I love that. Eat it up! Did you know I'm taking orders? Did you know I was selling these cakes? Oh, you want a whole cake? You got a birthday coming up? I got you. And since I'm not online scrolling and in everybody else business, I can really mind mine. Still no name for this budding business, by the way. I'm planning to do coconut next and perfecting my yellow cake process to get it just right. The creative process is fun. So many possibilities.

Someone asked if I make cupcakes. Not really but, for you I sure can! And now I have to buy all the things so I can do it. And now I'm thinking -- your girl has to put more consideration into making them not only taste good but look pretty. Fun! Or stressful but I think I have a steady enough hand to do this.

It’s end of the fiscal year so time for promotions and bonuses and such. I feel two ways about it. I know I deserve more based on how hard I work and yet, I don’t want to ask for more. If I feel I’m doing the work of two, being paid for the work of one, why ask for more and have to do the work of three and four. It’s not sustainable. And it really ain’t that deep. I give them more than enough of my time a week. Money will come and go but the time I have here is limited. So much more meaningful to me that the time spent outside of this 40-hour work week, is spent doing what brings me joy.

Baby, I’ll do what I gotta do to get off this hamster wheel!

Hustlin’,

xoxo,

Ashanti