Shots of bustelo and truths of the flesh and of the heart

I don't write poetry anymore, not even for myself. I'm not sure where the passion went. I don't regret my journey as a whole because it taught me the importance of and how to express myself. Part of me laughs about it looking back because I did mean a lot of those sweet words, I meant the raunchy words too. I was acting up! Ha. But I realize how I was presenting myself publically was a misrepresentation of the person I truly am. My inner thoughts, desires and fantasies I could have kept to myself and in time shared with a partner. Looking back it seemed I was running the streets and getting around when in truth I only ever seen myself being intimate with someone I was in love with.

I do see sex as a sacred act. And I know how deep my emotions run. Actually, sometimes I think the depth may even be unknown to me -- the eigth sea. I need an emotional connection with someone before the dam breaks. Life is teaching me that if I want to build that which will last, I'll have to do it slowly, intentionally and on a foundation of friendship. I was lusty! And wouldn't have been ready to deal with the ramifications from any actions I could have taken. That it seems I was taking. First of all, I'm jealous, maybe even possessive. So I really couldn't be out here with just anyone looking crazy. Rosters? Sharing? I don't need any diseases. I'm not ready to be a mother, definitely not a single one. It's just not where I seen myself and it's not where I want to be.

I'm a lover! Of myself, of others, of life. Mentally, I wasn't in the right space to even be involved. It's what I wanted but I wasn't ready. Speaking about my attempt makes me choke up still. I still feel guilty. When my family doesn't hear from me they send out search parties. I have to check in more often. Be more vulnerable, open and honest. I know I didn't really want to go through with it but damn what if I had? So many people who care about me, love me, would have missed me. I didn't think of them at all, I just knew I was crying for help. I've come out on the other side. I'm experiencing my rainbow after the storm. I know my life is worth living and if there are things about my life I don't like it is up to me to make a change. Things to heal from and to let go of. I've got more control than I believed. As traumatic as that time was for me, it build my faith and connection with God. And since I can't take it back, I'm happy to have the strength to get through it and use it as a testimony for others. Cliche as it sounds: it does get better.

So many of us struggle but wear a brave face in our day to day and then crumble when we're alone at night. Suicide does not cross many people's minds but I find that, people are killing themselves in different ways. Slow deaths. Just as painful. Addiction is a spiritual battle. I've let go of most of my vices. Does coffee count? That still has me in a strong chokehold. I'm no longer running away from myself or wanting to carry so much of what I've survived into my present.

I'm trying to bring the vibes back up chile, I didn't mean to get so deep or dark but I don't shy away from the taboo. Not acknowledging the truths of the world we live in leave us stagnant and unable to look towards the future.

My future feels not only bright but sexy. And sensual.

I want to be with someone who makes me laugh, even though we both know I'm the funnier of the two. Someone who sees their sensitivity as a strength. I've had to learn this. It used to feel weak but to take the mask off and open up -- sharing that emotion is so powerful. Love is a force and I'm getting a better understanding of what it should feel like and the importance of the actions you take. Conflict resolution? Work in progress. I find I shut down and go quiet. Words really stick with you and I never want to go low with someone I say I care for. Forgiveness? Huge! I give a lot of grace but realize that it is being extended to me by so many just as well. I find I thought I needed someone to complete me when the reality is I am a whole being. I'm in the midst of becoming. I want to be a whole person who loves herself and has dreams, goals and ambitions outside of my partner. And I want them to do the same. They're on this journey called life just as I am, and they should live it, and then there is much for us to do together. How can I be there to support you as you live as you were created?

I'm still watching Real Housewives of Atlanta. On the show, they're having a couples dinner and one of the girls has her man on Facetime, instead of in person at the table, for three hours. I don't need no man that can just sit on Facetime for three hours. Baby, go get you some business! Just silly as hell.

You see how I included my research in here?

There is much peace to be enjoyed right now. I'm holding onto it but not too tightly.

What else do I need?

A nice, strong arm to hold onto.

Every superstar needs a bodyguard.

Feeling delicate and womanly,

xoxo,

Ashanti