I gotta put me first!

I'm still doing my reality television research though I realize that I didn't have to look too outside my own lived experience to see how interconnected we all are. I'll talk about addiction any opportunity I can. I understand, through experience, how addiction can break a person, the people around them, whole families and generations down. It'll steal your gifts and talents, make you feel like your dreams could never be reality. Faith, when that is what we need to hold onto most, can be let go of. Watching these shows, you can see alcohol especially used as a crutch. Let go of your inhibitions and turn it on for the camera. And as the seasons go on the deterioration of some folks, as the fame goes to their heads, and their relationships is seen so cleary. I like a verbal spat, an exciting back and forth, witty one-liners. Leave me with something to remember and refer back to! So as viewers maybe we encourage the behavior by still watching but to us this is entertainment, to them this is life. Modern day gladiator games: a lot of people begin to entertain to their detriment.

I visited my family yesterday. My brother is taller than me and surprisingly strong. I'm sure I could still beat him up though. He is also doing some driving. Before me. This how I know it's time to get on the road and y'all better watch out for me. I'm great at Mario Kart! My sister is my little sweetheart, up under that attitude that I know is in me too. It's like I'm beefing with myself. As siblings do: we argue, makeup, play too much, make each other laugh and then fuss at each other one more time. I needed that time together. I gave them a couple shirts I got them from Hawai'i. They both gave me piggy back rides and I gave too many hugs and pink-glittery lip gloss kisses. My sister let me hold her hand in public. That's a big win! We even swung them a little. Ha. That's my girl!

I am holding onto old resentments as far as my mother is concerned. It's so tricky. I'm thirty, there are things I should have let go of but I haven't. I'm unsure how but I'm always willing to try. My childhood has affected me endlessly. I know the same can be said for so many. These things have left their mark but how do I acknowledge it and at the same time see a person for who they are now, not who they used to be. I'm not sure. I've got to pray more about it. The relationships with my mother and father affect the relationships with myself and thus with others and the world around me. I want them to see me as who I am now and let me be me? But it's like I don't want to be asking them for permission to be me and they aren't asking that I do yet... You get me? I'm trying to see them beyond their "mom" and "dad" titles and meeting them human to human. And giving them a lot of grace, I know they extend it to me too.

There are things I do not want to continue to carry within me into new dynamics.

I want to lead with my heart and not with my pain.

On Real Housewives of Atlanta, there is a woman named Kenya. When you don't have anything nice to say, you shouldn't say a thing so I won't go too in depth. She has opened up about how her mother had her young but her grandmother was the one to take care of her. They lived in the same home and her mother didn't speak to her. They could be in the same room and she refused to acknowledge her. Kenya was, let's say forty-five and her mother still wanted no communication with her. So heartbreaking. What are you suppose to do when the person you know, biologically, is suppose to love makes you feel so unwanted? It plays so openly in her relationships with the other women. Always in attack mode but not understanding why people don't take to her. You could want love so bad and then do whatever it takes to self-sabotage at the same time. How curious.

I made my chocolate "lava" cake for my family. This is their first time trying one of my confections. A hit! It makes me so happy when I'm able to put a smile on someone's face especially the people who I care most for. Their seal of approval makes it feel that much better. I know I'm taking steps in the right direction. I need a good name. My Aunt Patricia was a baker and they told me she went by "Patty Cakes." So good! I'd like a good play on my name, on words or something catchy. I'm in a stage of wanting to do everything very old school, word of mouth. Authentic. And don't nobody want no dry cake so I'm still working on the very basics. This is something I want to last, so no need to rush with the foundationals.

The lemon cake, which I had to bake twice because the first one was hard as a brick, was scrumptious. I think the next will be true to my roots, a staple in the hood: classic yellow cake with chocolate frosting. Yum! Then I'll experiment with this passion fruit and coconut idea. Or maybe guava? I just want the taste to transport you. So much to consider. It's nice to be using other parts of my brain in the day to day.

I've got another order to be baked this weekend for Monday.

Your girl is on her business!

Love that.

But also making time for rest and relaxation.

Dreaming of black sand beaches,

xoxo,

Ashanti