Sultry Spice and MobWives in Staten Island

I’m still on island time, so much so, I slept until 1PM and had my coworkers and boss worried. I felt bad but I needed that rest more than anything else. I’m so happy I got to take the day to myself to relax and reset but I’m not quite ready to get out of vacation mode. I was good all day until this moment and writing about it because now I’m thinking about all the work I’ll have to do tomorrow. I’ll try to let it go because I do feel amazing overall. Loose and chill.

Yesterday, I took the two chocolate cakes I baked to work. Usually, I only bring one in. Let’s say I put them out at 9AM as people are coming in, some will eat their slice for breakfast and others will take their slice and save it for later in the day. They’re learning that if they don’t take it as soon as they arrive, they won’t even get an opportunity. My favorite parts are how excited everyone is by time I send the email out and when they come back hoping for another slice. People you rarely see or run into come to our side of the building and I think it’s nice to speak with them about something other than work. Like, my creation is putting such a smile on your face? :) Though, I do think people are trying to suss the recipe out…girl, this a family receipe now and I ain’t sharing! Getting my family out the hood with this one — out to green lush pastures and an abundance of hibiscus bushes.

Before my trip, me and the women “on the row,” the administratives that I work closely to, planned a group outing. A little bonding time out of the office that we’re trying to make an annual thing. Last year when I came back it was a dinner but this time we wanted to do an activity. There is this business that opened recently that sells lotions, soap, perfumes and other smells goods and they let you blend your own scents. This experience was so fun! I could see it as a cute little date activity, whether with a lover or friends. You take a quiz and see what kind of scents you like most: musky, fruity, clean or floral. They give you a few options based on your choices and you take time to smell them separate and then start to combine them together to see which suits. I knew that, before I even got there, I wanted a scent that when I walk past made someone do a double take. The scent I created is musky, a little citrusy but also a “gourmand,” as our scent-tender explained. Sultry, sexy, delicious and edible. I got exactly what I wanted! Loved it so much I wore it to bed last night.

Caught myself doing a lot of singing before bed. I love to sing. Music is one of my passions in life, every part of it just sticks with me: the instrumentals, the emotions, the lyrics. My mind is full with more lyrics than anything else, it’s really been my escape in this life. I’ve got a stero-heart, I swear! That song by Gym Class Heroes and Maroon 5 has been coming back, I remembered why I loved it so much. This part especially: “I only pray you never leave me behind / because good music can be so hard to find / I’ll take your hand and hold it closer to mine / thought love was dead but now you’re changing my mind.” Chills! It’s the best part of the song to sing too. In this life I think I need a duet partner, or at least someone who understands that my brain will be triggered by a word and I’ll have something to sing and that yeah, I have performances to put on for you so just sit back and enjoy the show, baby.

In between all the resting, I’ve been doing research for my reality television paper, or blog. I’ve watched a little Love and Hip Hop New York and Atlanta, I can’t quite watch those shows like I used to, but I found Mob Wives. Ding, ding, ding! Now this, I can sit and watch through almost all the seasons. A few things here are so interesting to me. It’s almost like they’re stuck in the golden hayday of mafia life and still expect people to bow down and kiss the ring based off of crimes that the men in their lives did years ago. Those titles and reputations will matter to a certain crowd but many of those people who held onto that code, are dead, in jail or are aging. How can you hold onto a code that is seeming phasing out of life? When do you change? It’s like they live in a different reality, I’m so curious and I have so many questions. I read online once about how mafia life is portrayed versus how urban gang life is, both are glorified, but one more so than the other. While there are cultural differences, the women and the families are affected all the same.

Survival kicks off the need for people to start and join gangs, the need to take care of self and make it to the next day. To take care of your family and the woman or women in your life and the children. What sticks out to me is the men feel they’re doing what they need to, whether morally wrong or not, but who does much of all else besides money fall onto besides the women? And of course they benefit from the money too but when money is your motive who takes care of the home and the children? Who is helping with homework? Who is helping make those special memories? Who brings the magic to the holiday? Holds it together and visits the prison, puts money on the books or sends packages up? Who answers the phone or writes letters? Who is keeping it all together and waiting years on end: five, ten, twenty years? That emotional, mental and spiritual labor all takes such a toll.

Two people are playing their role here in living and upholding this lifestyle. When it’s all you’ve grown up around, it’s hard to think about doing it any other way and when you do, when you speak up about it people look at you like you're the crazy one. They’ll sometimes even talk you out of making a change, often out of their own fear. And you can see the pattern repeated and being passed down to the next generation. In this show, majority of the women had fathers in jail and now have men in jail and their children have grown up with fathers in and out of prison, one hasn’t even met her father and she’s three. It’s devestating.

I didn’t grow up with the mafia in Staten Island but I grew up around the gangsters in Newark. The parallels are so evident. I’m learning to experience life, wholeheartedly, with open arms. It's taken a lot of prayers, tears, love in my heart that grows stronger and seeing and exposing a lot of the not-so-beautiful parts of myself for me to be sure I could live differently beyond what I’ve experienced growing up. Much intentional change and did I mention praying? A loving, two family household makes such a difference. With God at the forefront, I want to feel that all and share it with my children. I’m used to doing it on my own but single motherhood does not become me. I don’t want to be mommy and daddy. I want to be able to be a woman — the sweet, classy, sultry lady that I am, with the right partner by my side. I want to tell you all about my day and cuddle at night. How could we together, create special memories? What would our traditions be? How many dollars are we giving when the tooth fairy visits? Can we do early morning family swims before we start the work and school day?

It’s about so much more than the money…

I’d happily write love letters.

xoxo,

Ashanti