what lingers, what leaves

Someone who had neither seen nor tasted one of my cakes ordered one yesterday which I just delivered . I knew I had to impress, not just because they're a new customer but because of the opportunity to impress their coworkers too. I was so grateful because I didn't have an order lined up for the week and was thinking of how bored I was going to be. When I tried the cake last night, it was so moist and delicious and then the frosting came out better than how I ever made it -- did I have a point to prove or does this speak to me improving with my craft? Probably both!

Thanks to their generosity, I am enjoying an iced coffee and this vegetable omelet I've been dreaming of at this cafe I'll probably become a regular at. So simple but so good: mushrooms, red peppers, spinach, tomatoes, mozzarella and egg whites. Realizing as type this out, minus the eggs, this is exactly how I like my pizza. Know what I have taken to doing that I didn't when I was younger? Praying over my food. I never did and intially felt a little out of place doing it in public. I was praying over my lunch at work and a coworker was saying the intentionality makes you more present. I do feel it makes a difference. It's so beautiful out today, I'll take a nice stroll in the park and then let their generosity lead me right to shopping for ingredients. I have three cakes due on the same day chile. So I'm taking today to plan: what can be made ahead? do I have everything I need? any room for contingency? how much espresso should I drink and when? Because you know what, it's not necessarily making the cake that takes time but the cool down. I'm expecting a 2AM day.

I have given Real Housewives a break, and when I say a break I mean, I watched one episode yesterday instead of binging. Currently watching one Scream movie day. Cannot believe they're on 7th damn movie, yet so happy Neve Campbell is still part of the franchise. She's my favorite final girl! Though I have been enjoying the new era, the originals are just better -- is it nostalgia talking or are they? I did really enjoy the recent movie set in New York. In addition to that, I have been rewatching Haunting of Hill House. I been watching it right before bed between my fingers sometimes even though it's my third watch, though first in years. I make sure every body part is under the covers so nothing gets me, especially the feet. There is a tendency to sleep with my door open, I'm already anxious on a normal day but while watching, I avoid glancing at the beaded curtains.

The show, as entitled, is about a haunting of a home that a family has purchased to renovate and resale. Many strange occurences take place and the youngest children are the most sensitive and in touch with what is going on in the beyond. Their senses show them this isn't a place their family should stay but most of what they share with their parents and eldest brother is explained away. This bothers me greatly. On one hand I get it children have an active imagination, but there is genuine terror displayed. Rational, logic and science I suppose, explains away our connectivity to the unknown, giving answers to seeing that which is usually unseen. Their mother is a sensitive woman and sees but it all gets out of hand so quickly. Spoiler alert, but her dying in the house sets off such a chain of events for the family.

What saddens me most is the youngest children having experienced the hauntings intensely and one turning to drugs and the other having mental health issues. As adults, the siblings still don't quite believe them. When your pleas and the sharing of my trauma falls on death ears, I understand turning to that which would silence all else.

I got emotional earlier when I wrote that last paragraph.

I get both sides, that of the addict and that of the family. I can only speak from my own experience, of course, and seeing it on screen is so heart wrenching. The brother isn't listened to and is trying to get so far away from what happened and numb himself out. In the midst of that, he steals from his family, gets checked into facilities but leaves and it's like -- you can only help someone who feels they need it, who is ready to choose themselves. I've been told all of our rocks bottom is different. How far are you willing to dig in? How much time are you willing to lose, to give into your addiction?

This is my special interest. I talk about it a lot and I cannot help it. It is so part of so many of our lives, I'm wondering where I'll end up with it. I would love to be of some help or service because we lose so much when we give in: dreams, gifts, family, friends, time, hope, faith, ourselves.

On the family's side, you want to give support. You've seen the person before the addiction, they shared those very same dreams and goals with you, the smile reached deeply behind the eyes and the laugh held that much more joy. You might give all of you just to help them come out of it but what do you do if they don't? Boundaries can seem harsh but are necessary. If they get clean, you may still hold them to who they were while addicted. I still hold resentments I wish I knew how to let go of from my middle and highschool years because of this.

After breakfast, I spent time with my mother and my Grandmother, riding around while my mother did deliveries. Before that I made oatmeal cookies actually. So much better than chocolate chip and I will stand firmly on that! They came out good, not quite like the ones with the white icing on the top but I tried my best. These resentments came knocking before I got picked up. Reestablishing a relationship when someone has known you your whole life, with new boundaries, and needing to see each other as you are now and not as who you were is hard. I know it's worth it and. My mother and I are taking it a conversation at a time. I just feel she wants more from me than what I have to give, might think I have more than I do and I don't want to feel guilted into doing more. I can be more considerate sure, but things are so peaceful for me and I don't want to give that up. I refuse.

We did a little karaoke, or rather I did most of the singing and then had dinner at my favorite spot. It's been a heavy day. The energy was off but coming home, to my own space, was the cure all.

Second most peaceful place I was today? A grave yard.

Celebrating those who have come before me.

xoxo,

Ashanti