lyric count: one

I've got a lot of bidness to attend to and I'm going to get to it, I promise...

In time...

After I sit here and type this up, wash my laundry, wash my hair, blow dry my hair, press my hair, chop my veggies, make my pasta, eat my dinner, watch my show, research some recipes...

I figure by 11:59PM I can take a look at these spreadsheets. Before the deadline of today.

What's on my mind? A lot and a little.

Always Nicki lyrics, I'm wondering which I can fit into this here blog.

The last two days have been very enjoyable.

One of my favorite ice cream flavors is Van Luween's Earl Grey. So, so good and I've been sure, after some research, that I could make some buttercream of the same flavor. I made it yesterday and it was so freaking good that I had to make cupcakes too. I took them to work today and got rave reviews though in my haste I didn't capture all that tea flavor that I could have. Note to self: infuse the loose tea leaves and milk overnight for maximum flavor and maybe a little less brown sugar. This is what excites me about what I do and in my heart I never want to lose this and if I did, it would mean I have more living, exploring and eating to do. Inspiration can be found in so many places.

My sobriety anniversay was on the first. I feel good about this. Mentally, in a clearer space and able to capture more of the joys and appreciate the life that I have. It'll be two years since my attempt in a few days. I hesitate to type the word and saying it aloud makes me choke up. I can feel I've come so far since then. I discussed with my siblings where copious use of substances could take you and the dangers of numbing yourself from the human experience. While always having been a cry-baby, or a sensitive person, I cry more now than I ever have in life. I'm feeling so much and as traumatic as that situation was, I'm grateful to have come back to God, back to myself, back alive. I'm trying to be more open with the people around me about what I'm feeling, what I'm needing, that I'm strong but not always okay. I've spoken to some friends about it and try to discuss it more freely, "my attempt,'" without saying the word but being open about my testimony is helping heal that part of me.

I didn't know I had felt so hopeless. I'm a dreamer! Didn't realize how much self worth I lacked. I dreamt and wished but didn't believe I was deserving of what it was I was asking for. Didn't feel pretty or beautiful, didn't matter if others felt so. I couldn't see it. Didn't believe. Just low. To be on the other end of that spectrum, I love myself up just a little bit more, would hug myself a little bit tighter if I could. Don't want to avoid what it was I almost did but hopeful in time I could release the shame and guilt I feel behind it.

Happy to be here.

To be alive.

To feel both the sunshine and the raindrops on my skin.

I didn't mean to get so heavy there, or dark. I'm not sure what it is about me, am I creepy? Be real... I just feel like that darkness is part of life, I would really rather be open about it than lie and put on a facade because lying hurt me more. I was telling a friend earlier that was what had gotten me all tripped up. An innocent girl trying to be a perfect, overachiever on one end but on the other end wanting to be a little wild, partying and being so...outwardly lustful. And I was hiding so much trying to keep up an image for so long. I've found balance in still being a rather innocent woman with plentiful desires. Keeping my fantasies to myself instead of performing and sharing with the world feels better than portraying an image that didn’t fully encompass all of me.

A complicated, multi-layered woman. A whole human being.

Dear God,

Thank you for watching over me, guiding me, carrying me through the troubled times and allowing me to rejoice with you in the joyous times. Thank you for helping me come back to how you created me to be, not how I was programmed or how I've been expected. Thank you for a sound mind. Thank you for allowing me to feel the full extent of my emotions and never given me more than I could handle. Thank you for sweeten my life and allowing me to do the same for the others.

Amen.

"This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine!"

Yours always and forever,

Ashanti