People Pleasing
Song of the Day: Yes by Beyoncé
“The first time I say no
It's like I never said yes”
Even though I haven’t liked everyone I’ve encountered in life for one reason or another (some reasonable, some not so much) I still swore up and down everyone liked me. Why wouldn’t they? (I been delusional for a long time…) I would overextended myself for everyone if it meant I would be seen as a good person and especially a good friend, a good daughter. I felt duty bound to listen as they dumped all of their troubles and worries onto me but how many people could say they knew much about what was going on in my life? How many times did they even ask what I was going through internally? Not many and in those brief moments when I did decide to share there wasn’t much reciprocity.
It took me some time to realize I was actually miserable trying to be everything for everyone, miserable trying to be the person they needed me to be. I threw myself to the side physically, financially, and especially emotional to please others. Do I think I was being fake? No, I truly want be good to others, give them compassion and grace and love and a listening ear but not at the expense of myself. I would come home from work or group outings completely overwhelmed just wanting to shut down. Zero energy to do anything I was passionate about. Little to no balance in my life.
Do I wish I had spoken up earlier in life? Yes, but I can’t change the past. This year I finally decided to retire from being a people pleaser, to start speaking up going forward, to say “no” more often and stand firm in my decisions. When I tell you my life has changed so much this year because I decided to put me first, it’s insane. I’ve lost friends and detached from family. It’s been hard. So hard and yet I know I’ve made the right choices because I’ve finally broken out of the cycles that I was stuck repeating for years by finally making a change.
I’ve had a lot of honest conversations with my loved ones and have been opening up more too. I’ve always loved connecting with people but to truly connect is to allow yourself to be vulnerable as well. Focusing on the people who really see me and understand me has also made me feel so much better. They accept me for who I actually am and for that I am forever grateful. All I ever had to do was just be myself, even when that felt hard to do, even if that meant people would dislike me. If saying no and taking a step back from certain relationships makes me a villain then I suppose I’m learning to embrace it (and revel in it a little).
