Window Shopping
Sunday, September 29, 2023
The Magician
Thursday, December 21, 2023
Do you believe in magic? I do.
Before I could delve deeper into the magic around me, the magic inside of me, the people around me decided to write the narrative about who I was and who I would become. They set it in stone in their minds and the minds of others, writing about it in group chats, discussing it over the phone, and spreading lies through rumors that never quite reached my ears. Their spells, projections of their own insecurities, exchanged through endless gossip.
To think I almost allowed them to get the best of me.
Energy can neither be created nor destroyed. This year, I transmuted years worth of negative energy. By honing in on creative endeavors I was reminded not only of who I am but the true inner-strength I possess.
The second you think you have me figured out, you realize the rug has been pulled from under you. I was never meant to be labeled or put in a box and as a person with innate leadership qualities, I was also never meant to follow the crowd. I set the tone.
Do you believe in magic? I do. I always have.
And for my next trick…
Wednesday 🏵 October 2, 2024
Meet me in the kitchen, it’s going down!
Tonight I made stuffed peppers, let me just say...unsure if I would recommend.
Like a singer who cannot sing but can hold a note, I’m a chef who cannot cook but can make a meal that is not completely inedible. I will burn it though, probably on purpose too. I like a char on most things! I’m known to burn a frozen pizza or two.
My goal now that I’m back home is to learn how to cook more than easily reheatable meals and my same two specialties: pasta and tacos. Actually, pancakes might be creeping onto that list. Extra cinnamon! I could talk about food for hours and hours and I could eat it for even longer than that.
One of my favorite things about living in New York was letting my feet carry me block after block until I found a restaurant I had never been to. Trendily decorated or not, I love a hole in a wall, I was eating out often. Italian and Thai food already had my heart but living in the city caused them to capture my stomach too. My life’s mission is to eat my way through each borough and through multiple countries.
I’m just greedy at heart!
I am very superstitious. Writing on the wall… I do believe that if you put your purse on the floor your money will be out the door or if you buy a man shoes, he’ll also be walking out of that very same door. They say you should not try wedding dresses on if you’re not engaged to be married. With my luck, I would never get married which is something that I realize I want the older I get, but boy did I want to try a wedding dress on. My little sister is 12 and she said to me, “don’t believe in luck, believe in God.” That shook me to the core! My time soon come to get in that white dress but in the meanwhile, we were shopping for my sister’s bridesmaid dress and my wedding guest dress to my mother’s wedding.
We’re one month out and I’m just surprised how calm she is about the whole process. I would be a bridezilla if I ever had a big, beautiful wedding but I’m more of an elopement girl. Take me to the courthouse and let’s spend the rest of our money on a honeymoon that lasts weeks instead of days and if we we’re really funded, a house! I’d rather safety and security than big celebration though I wouldn’t mind a reception.
The bridesmaids are wearing cinnamon which is the perfect color for a fall wedding and somehow my sister ended up in a black dress. As a guest, my mother was going to let me wear a red gown, which shocked me because on one hand, it’s a bit much for someone else’s wedding and at the same time I would have loved the opportunity. I feel so beautiful and powerful in red. As it turns out, I still get to stand out in my own way: we found me a Barbie pink sequins gown. Woo-hoo!
I been telling everyone I hated pink for so long. Not hated but I was emo as a teen. It wasn’t a color I enjoyed wearing but the more I heal my inner child, the more I want to see it, be around it. It actually makes me very happy! I mean look at this website. I’m always wearing a pink robe. My mom just bought me pink shoes. My slippers are strawberry shortcake pink.
My Barb dreams are coming true!
No, I’m not lucky, I’m blessed! Yes!
The Fool
Monday, December 4, 2023
A teacher once asked me “Ashanti, why are you afraid of success?” At the time, I remember crying but not understanding why. It took years to fully understand what he meant by that. I’m forever grateful to those who have sat me down, who have seen me and didn’t dim me down but urged me to shine bright.
The transformations I’ve experienced this year, as uncomfortable as they have been, have encouraged me to pursue what I want. Unapologetically.
Starting a new journey into unknown territory is scary. (Ahh!) Who knows what lies ahead but I’m fully willing to do it scared because what do I have to lose?
To some I may seem foolish. The decisions or what I say may seem nonsensical. Good thing is, what I’m after doesn’t have to make sense to anyone. It doesn’t always make sense to me honestly, but I know God and that is why I’m always willing to take a leap of faith. I think life is about leaping constantly in different areas of your life and though it is important to take things at your own pace, to be stagnant for too long is to go against your heart’s desire.
Are you prepared to take the leap?
Sweet Spot
Sunday, November 12, 2023
I’ve experienced living life at extremes so discovering that, for me, this lifetime is about balance, was shocking. Things aren’t just black and white? There are shades of grey? This epiphany took a while, but when it hit, man, did it hit hard.
For the first fourteen years of my life I was an only child. This, of course, has contributed not only to how introverted I am but also to how selfish. Honestly, had I not been blessed with siblings, I think I could have become a hermit. I can thrive in solitude, especially creatively, which is why I think writers used to escape to cabins out in the woods until they completed their manuscripts. (Adding such an experience to my bucket-list.) I know how to be comfortable being alone but with that said, I know my heart wants human connection. Craves, actually!
With the birth of my siblings, I fell into selflessness. Not only with them, but with everyone in life. Over giving. Overplaying my position. I’ve got a big heart and I love hard! (Now, this was simply a nice way to say, I did not have boundaries.) Throughout life I’ve continued to juggle between selfishness and selflessness. Caught between either strictly being all about “me, me, me” or being too giving to others and thus forgetting about myself.
Maybe the scales will balance one day, but lately it seems the sweet spot leans more towards “me, me, me.” What can I say? Remembering what it feels like to receive the love I give has me obsessed.