BETRAYAL?
I grew up in a home with an alcoholic parent. I understood what it could do to a person. The anger. The resentment. The strife. Undoubtedly, it still affects me to this day. I promised I would never drink. For my 21st birthday, I went to New Orleans and had a drink for the first time. The next five and a half years I spent drinking and partying with friends. I’ve had fun, memorable times and I’ve had times so embarrassing that I would rather forget.
I went to Hawaii in November 2022 with an expired ID, so I could not do any drinking or clubbing, even if I wanted to and honestly I did not want to. I enjoyed my solitude on the beach watching the sunrise and the sunset. I engaged with locals and tourists alike and learned about their culture. The nature was lush and the views fulfilled my soul in a way it had not been in a long time. The culmination of my healing journey peaked on that island. That’s what traveling between two eclipses will do to you I suppose. I remembered who I was at my core and I brought her back to New Jersey with me.
When I came back my new ID had been delivered and I went out with friends I had known for the past five years. We shared ghost stories over bottomless brunch and then walked over to another bar. I lost my ID there. I have never been one to believe in coincidences, so I wrote a post on my blog about wanting to stop drinking and losing my ID helped me make my mind up. The truth is, for me, it can be enjoyable but only in moderation. Now, more than ever, I feel society has begun to center everything around alcohol. Can’t have brunch without a drink, can’t paint without a sip. You’re allowed to live and celebrate your life as you so choose but I do think a lot of people are running, whether they recognize it or not. I do not judge because I understand addiction and I understand feeling like you need an escape but I finally decided it was time for me to face my demons instead.
Imagine my surprise when I realized not everyone would enjoy the things that I wrote about. Not everyone has to like my truth but that will not stop me from telling it. I complained in that blog post about drinking not actually being fun, the way your head spins or the way your tummy feels or waking up hungover with a pounding headache. I was longing for more than what I had been used to even if I had to go out and do it on my own. I spent months getting inspired, whether through writing, painting, visiting museums, attending concerts and spending more time surrounded by nature.
I started to make Tiktok videos too. They were so fun and I could be my silly little self from the comforts of my bedroom. I could also be vulnerable. Throughout my life I had always looked a certain way. I was a black girl who developed early and had always been shapely. The sexual attention came from people of all walks of life. Very uncomfortable. I made a video about how because of how I looked, in second and seventh grade I had classmates overstep my boundaries in inappropriate ways at school. Those experiences made me want to cover up and wear baggy clothes for most of my life because beyond being a body, I am a brilliant mind. Unfortunately, this is not what people see upon first meeting someone. I shared this story because being a woman, this is not such a unique experience. I knew other women would understand me. I wanted to feel seen and I wanted them to know they weren’t alone either. Plus, speaking up about it felt like the first step to healing from it. I wanted to have the confidence to go out and dress up and be a little sexy!
Two of my closest friends at the time liked this video. We neither discussed the blog nor the video.
In late January 2023, four of us met up for lunch. I felt…out of place. We talked over Mexican food and non-alcoholic drinks. They had inside jokes I did not quite understand but I had an inkling I was the butt of the joke. I sat back and observed. Truth be told, at that moment I had to ask myself, have I outgrown these people? Not to say I was better than but I knew I was growing in a different direction.
Three of us went back to a friend's apartment. A Christmas tree was still lit up in the corner of the living room and there were a few gifts that sat underneath. I was passed a brown paper bag with a photo of me and my friend stapled to it. We looked good! The brown bag though did not only look ripped but rather stabbed. The rips were blamed on someone kicking my gift. I opened the bag, still thrilled to receive a Christmas present. The contents included: Tylenol, earmuffs and sunglasses. The final gift was small and carefully wrapped. I slowly opened the gift wrapping paper and found an earring box. I love jewelry! Inside was two red rape whistles.
I stared at the whistles. I didn’t react in the way that was expected, this much I know now. I blew one and thanked them for the gifts even taking a photo with the sunglasses and the earmuffs and posting it online. The post still sits on my Instagram from January 29th. I googled the whistles. I didn’t have a dog so I knew it couldn’t be that. My mind started working overtime. I kept my cool. We ate lollipops and played cards for a while until one of them dropped me off home. My next act was the most logical. The next day I called the one who did not give me the gift to let them know we weren’t friends anymore. Being an accessory to the crime is as bad as committing the crime. Everyone else was blocked without explanation.
To try to bully and humiliate me, is funny in the most unfunny way. I know now I was not the first person they had done this to but I know after this experience I am the person who they will remember most. I’m not sure who they thought they were dealing with. I knew I was strong, I knew where I came from but this experience helped me tap into an inner strength none of us knew existed. Thank God for that. I had been a people pleaser for so long, I thank them for knocking some sense into me. I let people get away with too much for too long because I wanted to be liked, but no one had ever taken it far beyond the realm of what I think is acceptable to do to a person, let alone a friend. Not with the secrets I know, that I still would never share. I am also no longer okay with people wanting to remain neutral. Feeling caught in between two friends. I have never asked a friend to pick a side when I have fallen out within a friend group. Ever. And I never will. But I’ll tell you this, I will be helping people pick their side by cutting everyone off if necessary.
Sad to say, things did not stop there. Though I never saw them directly, I am fully aware that direct and subliminal tweets exist. The contents could be a mix of truth and lies. I never want to know, truth be told, because I refuse to spend time trying to defend my character. Instead, I let my character speak for itself. What they did not expect was for me to simply not engage, at least not in the way they hoped for. An opportunity to group up and come at me online, they would not let it pass them by I can promise that. Which is comedic, considering the differences between us intellectually.
What’s a girl to do when she wants a situation to stop consuming her mind? Why, she writes about it, of course. I write until I forget but I never forget so I keep writing. This felt like the perfect time to sit down and write it all out because I am ready to start forming new friendships. I am a lover and I will never stop. I do not want a bad experience to stop me from ever opening up again because there are so many people to meet and to love and to value, especially as a friend. That excites me!
This year feels full of endless possibilities.
xoxo
Ashanti
