Sad Clown Paradox
More than halfway through the year and as my old life continues to burn to the ground, all I’m allowing myself to do is watch. In shock and awe, anger and despair. “Grab some popcorn!” was my cousin’s response when I told her that. My rose colored glasses slipped, shattered and so did the illusions I had about the people in my life, their lives, and my relationship to them. I find myself having to reintroduce myself to people who have known me my entire life, including close friends and family, because I’m more myself than I’ve ever been and only now am I starting to see people for who they truly are, not who I wished so desperately for them to be.
A necessary, yet disappointing lesson that I learned the hard way earlier this year is that the length of time you’ve known someone does not matter. Strangers have treated me with more kindness, compassion and understanding than people I’ve known for years. It saddens me because to me, if I’ve kept you in my life this long it’s because you mean something. Loyalty, to me, is everything. I figure what I’m truly learning is that not everyone goes through life the way I do. So that loyalty shouldn’t be extended so freely.
One of the most meaningful relationships I’ve been working on is the one between my father and I. The more I get to know him the more I discover about myself. Not that I ever had a doubt but I’m really his daughter. Crazy! We share a love of food, rap music, the simple comforts of life and generally being clowns. He’s one of the funnier people I know. When I visited him last week he recounted a story from his 20’s to a room full of people with a big smile on his face and nonstop laughter. It was disorienting to watch because in that moment, all I saw was myself. I turned my head to the other side of the room and concern covered each person's face. Nary a laugh was heard. He continued to tell his story but truthfully, it was one of the more traumatizing things I had ever heard, so I tuned him out.
I find myself able to share unabashedly details of my life in my writing because I've been through it and survived it. What I'm sharing isn't traumatic, it just is. I never saw it as a big deal when I would tell stories and laugh it off like it didn’t affect me but I realized there is still much to unpack. I figured the way I grew up and what I dealt with was normal. I wasn't encouraged to ask any questions, just accept things as they are, but I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t question. Why do things have to be the way they are? Just because they’ve always been that way? That’s not good enough for me. It never truly has been.
Pain being the fuel for comedy is such a curse and yet I couldn’t imagine not being funny because laughter is fuel too. There’s no better feeling than lighting up the room by making people smile and laugh, you feel invincible but when the crowd is gone and it’s time to get off stage, how do you cope? Recently, I watched a video of a girl describing how she knows she’s entering a depressive episode when she begins to crave marijuana. This is a sentiment I shared but never heard anyone else say aloud. My world is colorful again and it feels so good to not only be living but to be alive, yet every now and then I run into my old friend and we pick up right where we left off. Instead of slipping into their familiar embrace however, I'm doing what I can to give them the slip, even if it's short-term coping. I know a long-term strategy is necessary.
As a side note: I have to say that is one of my favorite things about this life is that there isn’t a feeling or a thought you’ve had in your head that someone else in the world hasn’t experienced or thought. Oh, how less lonely the world feels. I love being a collective!
I don’t recall telling God I was one of his strongest soldiers but, in this last year especially, I have proven myself worthy. There’s so much going on in my life, that I’m not quite ready to share, and the betrayals I’ve experienced has my trust for people in the basement. My head is spinning honestly. I’m taking it one day at a time, trying to allow myself to feel the full range of emotions and planning what my next steps should be. It just seems like too much sometimes. One thing about life though is that it goes on and so do I. I’m learning to not let stress burden me and instead continue to walk by faith because everything will work out the way it’s suppose to. Releasing control has been a challenge.
What’s different from my previous bouts with depression is I’m more self assured this time around. I know and love myself so much more than I used to as well. I know how my body reacts, I know the importance of a steady routine and I know to be gentle with myself even during the toughest moments. I’m learning to gentle parent myself and though I know it’s a good start, it’s not enough. Do I think it’s time to go to therapy? Yes. Did I schedule an appointment and cancel it? Yup. I don’t even have a legitimate excuse either, I just couldn’t follow through.
At this stage in my life, I’m tired of being strong and seeming like I have it all together because I don’t. That soft side of me is there just begging to be shown. Unleashing her onto the world, that is in desperate need of more tenderness, compassion and understanding, is not only what my heart needs but my art as well.
Until next time,
xoxo
Ashanti
Songs I have on repeat:
She Will - Lil Wayne ft. Drake
Fallback - Bia
Butterfly Ku - Ice Spice
No Bars - JT
Maybe - Mariah the Scientist
Virgo’s Groove - Beyoncé
If - Destiny’s Child
Rockstar - Future ft. Nicki Minaj (unreleased)
BAPS - Trina ft Nicki Minaj
Hummingbird Heartbeat - Katy Perry
Break My Heart - Dua Lipa
Gravity - Tinashe
Moon River - Frank Ocean
