Art of the Pivot
When I turned 25, I wrote in my journal that it would be the best year of my life. Looking back, I wasn’t wrong because it was the catalyst to all the change that is going on in my life right now. As morbid as it sounds it feels as though I’ve died many times in the last two years. Old skin had to be shed time and time again for me to get to this place of peace, of zen, of contentment in my life. I remember visiting my Dad’s house and I was telling my Grandma about my life and all my conversation was about work and in passing she called me “boring.” (I mentioned this to her recently and she didn’t remember saying it but I’m happy she did!) I didn’t take offense to it in the moment because it hit me that my family is filled with creatives, painters, musicians, and writers yet I hadn’t engaged in a single creative hobby in years. No creativity. No passion. No happiness. I took stock of my life after that comment, here I was stuck in a job I wasn’t happy in, wanting to move out and be on my own, and dissatisfied with how I was showing up in my friendships.
Over this last year, I found myself again. Not the “old me” from high school or college or two years ago because looking back that wasn’t truly me, instead I found me from childhood. It wasn’t until I was in touch with her again that I came back to my senses. This change that I’ve undergone has been scary, uncomfortable, and overwhelming but I would rather change than remain the same, than to settle and live with regrets about the direction in which my life is going. My mindset is whether reincarnation exists or not, if this is the only life that I’m going to remember, I’m going to live this one to fullest. I would burn my life to the ground repeatedly if it meant I could start fresh because I know I’ll always rise from the ashes.
One of the first things I knew I had to do was quit my job. I began as an intern and a few months after I graduate I took the job as the receptionist while dabbling in human resources work and eventually moving up to the executive assistant to the CEO. People told me they were praying for me once I accepted the assistant job, that the job was one they would never have taken and of course I had heard different things about my new boss, most of it true, some of it unverified gossip. I knew I had to put aside what they were saying about him and put my best foot forward and take the time to get to know him myself and I’m so glad I made that choice. The assistant job came to me naturally, after all I spent my entire life taking care of others and putting their needs before mine, but I couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that I wasn’t where I wanted to be in life. John, my boss, and I communicated mostly through text messages, he requested a fifteen minute text before each meeting as a reminder but sometimes we would send each other gifs (of course, I sent them more than him) or music and one day he sent me a song entitled "I've Gotta Be Me," by Sammy Davis Jr. and when I listened to the lyrics I started bawling:
Whether I'm right or whether I'm wrong
Whether I find a place in this world or never belong
I gotta be me, I've gotta be me
What else can I be but what I amI want to live, not merely survive
And I won't give up this dream
Of life that keeps me alive
I gotta be me, I gotta be me
The dream that I see makes me what I am
To know me is to know, I take everything as a sign. To me the song meant the end was near and I had to embark on a new journey, one completely focused on myself. Did I have a backup plan? No, but I live by faith and knew that taking the leap was necessary. If I didn’t do it when I felt called to I just knew I would be stuck reliving the same cycles. I would live to regret never choosing myself. For the first time in a long time I allowed myself to be selfish. In September, I gave in my two week notice which turned into a one month notice. I was emotional. It’s hard to leave a place where you know everyone, you know the job, where you’ve settled into a routine and you’re complacent. To leave my comfort zone and people who had watched me grow up was rough. I’m forever grateful to my coworkers, but John especially because of the talks we had and the knowledge he shared. Not only did I learn a lot about other people but more importantly through working for him I truly learned myself. I learned true confidence in who I am, regardless of how other people feel about it. It helped me break out of being a people pleaser. By nature, I am a giver but I cannot give from an empty cup and sadly there are people out there that’ll still attempt to take. In realizing this about myself, I also learned the importance of boundaries in both my work life and my personal relationships and though setting them is not always easy, they’re so necessary for peace of mind. On my final day as his assistant he Facetimed me and told me I taught him how to be soft. Sometimes I wish I had told him everything he had helped me learn about myself.
At the same time, I began to plan my solo trip to Hawai’i “in silence.” Of course, I put that in quotations because I could not keep my mouth shut though to be fair I didn’t tell most people until the trip was two weeks away. I was convinced that if I told people then the trip would fall through, which it almost did. (I wrote about the trip at length here.) I finished work November 1st and the following day I was on a nine hour flight to Honolulu. I’ll always bring this trip up and make it my entire personality because doing it alone showed me a strength and resolve I didn’t know I had. It wasn’t until I got home that I realized the trip was the final puzzle piece to finding myself. I didn’t have to run from my old life, from my past, instead it became apparent I needed to forgive myself for the choices I made and learn to give myself the same grace and compassion that I’ve extended to others.
November was dedicated to visiting the major art museums in the city especially those that I had yet to visit. The Whitney was similar to other museums I had been to and I absolutely loved the abstract art and the Edward Hopper exhibit they had on display. The Guggenheim on the other hand was so different! I was confused about what I was looking at initially but as time went on and I walked down to the first floor there are so many pieces still engraved in my mind. I took myself out on lunch and dinner dates, bought myself bouquets of flowers and just treated myself the way I deserved to be treated. I even took a wheel throwing class that I had wanted to try for years and couldn’t make a single sculpture, a single bowl, nothing! (I shall not to be deterred however, I will be taking another class before the year ends because I want to make something, anything. Unfortunately, it’s not as easy as it looks.) So much of my life was me waiting for other people to do things with me and when I finally decided to go out and do them on my own life felt worth living. My world was colorful again. (I say it a lot and it’s true.)
I spent a lot of time at home in hermit mode, maybe a Tiktok post every now and then and little updates on my Instagram but for the most part it felt good to center myself and get back to me. With all the free time on my hands I knew I needed a hobby so I started doing paint-by-number canvases. At first, I was so gung-ho but when I realized it was going to take longer than I anticipated I almost gave up a few times but instead I pushed forward and learned the importance of patience when it comes to creative projects. Once I finished my first canvas, I couldn’t get enough and I’ve completed at least four since then. (Do I have a fifth a third of the way finished begging to be completed? Of course I do!)
By December, I wasn’t pulling any punches. I’m thinking this happens to all reformed people pleasers. I was finally setting boundaries and I wasn’t holding back anymore about what I was feeling to appease someone else. I had a lot of pent up feeling and thoughts I needed to get out. I decided it was time to have a heart to heart with my Dad. I called him and he invited me to go see Avatar 2 but before I could go in the theater I told him we needed to talk. Growing up with an absent father wasn’t easy and of course it still affects me to this day but I didn’t want to hold onto the pain of my past. I knew I couldn’t take it into my new life. We talked and I got everything off my chest, thankfully. A big theme of the movie ended up being familial relationships and the relationship between the father and his children was highlighted in the movie. (Yet another sign!) Of course, I started boo-hooing the theater. I spent New Year’s Eve at his house and it felt good to really enjoy myself with that part of my family. It was the perfect way to end the year.
I was so wrapped up in myself during this time I wasn’t making much time for spending time with friends. People who have known me for a long time know that I’m someone who needs a lot of distance. I thrive in solitude, though it’s true I used to isolate myself in an unhealthy way. I was taking time to get back to myself while the people I thought were my friends held so much animosity towards me it caught me completely off guard when things began to fall apart. They invited me out and we had a good night but I lost my ID and to me that solidified to me that I didn’t need to be out partying anymore. There’s so many more activities to do in this world beyond being around crowds and drinking.
Who knew another major lesson you have to learn in your twenties is that your party friends aren’t your true friends? I’ve always felt misunderstood or like the black sheep and that I needed to try to fit in but I finally broke out of that cycle. Thank God! It’s okay to be seen for who I am, to embrace that fully and to stand out. Because why not? Truth be told I had such a rough time after everything happened because as a friend, I’m not perfect but I am loyal. I’ll be there for you as a shoulder to cry on during your lowest moments and also be there to celebrate you during the highs of your life so for a group of people I considered friends to turn on me, it hurt me deeply. It still hurts. Friendship PTSD is real.
I blocked everyone, even their family and friends because it was truly a clearance sale and everything had to go! By the end of January what I craved most was a change of scenery. I cemented the start of my new beginning by calling my Grandma and asking that she let me move to Brooklyn with her and as her favorite grandchild of course she said yes, no questions asked. I started packing my most important things, I let go of so much more, and had my Dad pick up what I couldn’t take in an Uber. I cried and cried when I told my brother and sister, I knew our lives would be different and I couldn’t wake up to them everyday and hug them but I tried to explain why I had to go and I’m thankful they understood. It wasn’t an easy decision to make but necessary.
My relationship with my mother has been strenuous throughout the years. When it’s good, it’s great and I love her dearly but I do hold a lot of pain and resentment for what I went through growing up. So I didn’t tell her and really I didn’t want to tell her because I feared she would convince me to change my mind. She sees me as an extension of herself but I had to stand up for myself and be my own person. Moving out was the second step I needed to take to actually begin anew. I waited until the day before I left to tell her and she was unhappy she was the last person to know. We didn’t talk much for a few weeks afterwards but in time we spoke and got things out on the table and when I went back to visit the house for the first time we spent time together going through what I had left behind. A final purge. It felt good!
February marked a fresh start in Brooklyn. I just love it so much! It’s taken some getting used to, because honestly the subway scared me, but I’m glowing different over here. I spent a lot of time waiting for someone else to save me but there is no savior, it’s all up to me. I’ve been independent most of my life but moving to a new city, it hit me how much more I needed to be doing to better take care of myself. I visited the Botanic Garden a copious amount of times and remembered how much I loved being in nature, surrounded by flowers and getting in touch with that forgotten part of me. I took nature walks almost daily and just sat outside people watching, journaling and in that time I recognized I needed an outlet for all the emotions I felt after what I had been going through the last few months. I started not only writing poetry but also recording myself reading it. Being perceived used to make me feel self-conscious, so recording myself and uploading videos online of me reciting my poetry to be consumed by others was a big step for me. It was cathartic to share my poetry with the world because nothing feels better than when someone tells me they can relate to my sentiments. It always feels good to feel seen.
Come March, I’m taking trips back and forth from Brooklyn to NJ to visit both my mom’s house and my dad’s house. Imagine my surprise when I found out that my sister was pregnant and was due to have a baby. Honestly, I think I manifested my niece because for years I been waiting for someone I knew to have a baby so I could be an aunt, to be able to give love to a baby but still be able to give them back to their parents was such a dream. (I’m personally not ready for motherhood just yet!) On March 12th, I went to my Dad’s for the baby shower and my Grandma had us surround my sister with love and the very next day my niece arrived into the world on March 13th. She wasted no time. I’m so happy to be an aunt! I’m also excited to use this as an opportunity to be closer with my sister. She is dear to my heart but we’ve always lived separately so unfortunately we haven’t gotten to be as close as I would have liked. I’m happy to have any reason to be there for her and show her how much I care. This year I’ve fully stepped into my role as big sister for each of my siblings. (Five of them total and whew chile, I’m doing my best.)
When I learned April was National Poetry Month, I dedicated myself to posting one poem everyday for thirty days. It was one of the most challenging yet rewarding things I had did in a while. I’m over my fear of being perceived, I now enjoy showing the world who I am, I love the sound of my voice, I love doing silly little videos, I love sharing my art, I love creating. The poems ranged from sad and depressing to filled with love to very personal moments in my life that I had been hesitant to share with the world. One poem that I have yet to write should be about forgiveness. My mother called me and gave me an apology that honestly I never ever expected to receive. It put our relationship in a better place and I’m so grateful for that because it felt for so long there was so much I had been holding in. In that moment I just let it all out. I’ve found that most of my healing starts with forgiving my parents and then myself.
The month dragged on and eventually, it was time to consider getting a job. I felt that my rest period had finally come to an end and as much as I don’t dream of labor, I do live in reality. I had to sit down and think about what it is that I want to do with my life, there was no point in leaving and job and moving just to get wrapped up in a job that would make me miserable. That would be repeating the cycle all over again. According to my mother, growing up I always said I wanted to be an art teacher, and I just love children so of course teaching was the only option I had in mind. What I love about them is they’ve yet to be jaded by society, they’re honest, they’re funny, and they help you see life from another perspective. I appreciate that about them wholeheartedly. If adults put their ego to the side and took the time to listen to children more often they would realize that they truly hold the keys to life.
Thirty days of posting consistently on social media was draining, but putting myself out there and allowing myself to be more creative than I had been in years was well worth it. Life is all about balance so of course I had to do thirty days no social media. Now, did I complete this goal? No, but an attempt was made and that’s what counts most. During the weekend, I was in Jersey every weekend, spending copious amounts of time with my friends and family because I knew my unemployment days were coming to an end. The weekdays were spent volunteering at a local food pantry. Community building is very important to me at the this time. It’s so evident we are all that we have and we have to stick together, so if I can do anything to help out I will. Not only that, but I’m trying to make sure I get to know my neighbors and the workers of the local stores I frequent. By the end of May I had spent a painstaking amount of time updating my resume and even worked on a cover letter and applied to maybe three jobs and only heard back from one. And of course because I am so fabulous, witty, professional, charming and charismatic I got the job.
The initial interview was standard and I did prepare beforehand but didn’t rehearse, I knew I had to go in there and answer from my heart and if it was meant for me I would get it. By the end of the day, I had received an invite for a “working” interview. Honestly, I didn’t know what that was. The next week I came in and spent one hour with the children, one hour unintentionally turned into two because we went outside and played on a turf field. Getting to know them for a brief time was a lot of fun, I was in the twos classroom and they were full of so much joy and energy it was almost hard to keep up. Of course it wasn’t all fun and games as I had to pay attention to how the teachers interacted with them and what they were learning as play is always an opportunity to learn. As I was out the door one of the children gave me a hug and my heart melted. In that moment, not only did I know I got the job, but I felt that everything in life was finally aligning all because I believed I would be led to where I was suppose to be.
My first day was in mid-June. I’m still trying to get used to the routine of waking up early after months of sleeping in and getting used to the commute. Navigating NYC in the Summer can be a bit intimidating and I find myself often sacrificing air conditioning for a seat on a hot train car more often than not these days but at the same time I love it. It feels good to be doing things differently. This chapter is exciting as instead of running from the unknown I’m more curious about all the possibilities. I’m just going to let things unfold for me. One thing that sticks out to me right now is that since I have completed certain cycles I’m now being tested on what I’ve learned. How do I interact with people similar to those from my past? Am I setting boundaries and standing firm in them? Will I stand up for myself when necessary? The answer is a resounding yes!
What lessons have I learned this past year? To pivot. To take that leap of faith you’ve been so worried to take. To take that step out of your comfort zone. To let things fall apart because peace is always on the other side of the chaos. To stand proudly and confidently in your authenticity, even if you’re treated like an outcast, after all it is better to stand out than to fit in. To tell the truth even if it hurts. To love yourself more than you love anyone else and to put your needs first. To embrace community because we are all we have. To give love and kindness freely. To stay true to you.
Cheers to 26! With all my heart I am sure that 27 will be the best year of my life. ♡
xoxo,
Ashanti
Songs I have on repeat:
The entire Pink Friday album in preparation for Pink Friday 2
All Me - Drake ft. 2Chainz & Big Sean
Swap It Out - Justin Bieber
On My Mama - Victoria Monet
My Prerogative - Britney Spears (thank you Bobby Brown!)
Butterflies - Michael Jackson
Melt - Kehlani
11:11 - Lil’ Kayla
We Talkin’ Shit Again - Su’lan
A Mess - Ella Mai ft. Lucky Daye
Lightening & Thunder - Jhene Aiko ft. John Legend
All For Me - Mariah the Scientist
Endless Fashion - Lil’ Uzi Vert ft. Nicki Minaj
What I’ve been watching:
Vanderpump Rules — Social media was in a frenzy about the #Scandoval, the shocking cheating scandal perpetrated by Tom Sandoval, who cheated on his girlfriend of almost ten years, Ariana, with her bestfriend, Raquel, for seven months. I saw a clip for the uncensored reunion, watched it and knew instantly this is type of show I needed to be watching. I’m not sure what I expected to watch but the non-stop cheating, fighting, arguments, and utter chaos did satisfy me because I would rather watch other people’s drama than have any of my own. They ghetto as hell on this show! That is the best way to describe it. I would recommend watching it but I did have to take a break after binging the first six seasons.
Hell’s Paradise — I finished this anime last weekend and I’m so sad I have to wait for the next season. It’s interesting so far and reminds me of Suicide Squad in a way because the Shogun has forced a group of criminals and their assigned handler to a go to an island no one has come back from alive in hopes of finding the elixir of life that is said to make you immortal. Does it exist? Why is everyone who went to the island sent back dead and covered in flowers? So many questions and the answers are only just starting to roll in. The fight scenes are good and they get extra points for such a beautiful intro.
