Truly, Madly, Deeply

I had another post prepared but it felt too sugarcoated. I’ll include some of it though because I cannot let the inspiration go to waste. I had to actually sit with myself and consider “yo Ashanti, what do you even know about love?” Now, for perspective, it was not until I was 24 that I realized Love & Basketball was not some grand love story.

When I tell you this movie is ingrained in my mind with the way I watched it as a child. Silly me, they ended up together, I thought that was enough! I remain quiet when my family and the internet rip it to shreds, but watching back with more mature eyes yeah, maybe love should not have come at such a struggle and certainty not a one on one basketball game. Definitely not with the loss and subsequent rematch.

I say all that to say, we need to be more careful about the media we consume.

When it comes to my love life, not only am I reaping the karma for things I did not do, but also, in the spirit of accountability, the role that I play.

Seriously though, it’s easy to place blame but truth is I had some healing to do. As a know-it-all, I always have to remind myself that I know a lot of what I know, but I don't know it all. And I’m not suppose to. Thank God for new levels of maturity.

Thus far, the year has been about being intentional and stepping into my purpose as a teacher, as a leader, and chasing after my goals with a fiery passion. Well actually, a slow, consistent passion. Not only that, but this year solidified for me that love was never something to be chased, especially not with a such a guarded heart. I’m finding that there’s so much more to it than I’ve ever expected.

Now, since we were talking movies, I think it’s safe to say: Shrek is the real true love story. My boss laughed when I told her that recently but I thought it made all the sense in the world. Love hit Shrek when he least expected it with someone he least expected. I’ve found that the Universe is funny in that way. Shrek and Fiona both finally find someone who understands and accepts them, plus, there’s a charismatic, talking Donkey along for the adventure. You can’t beat it.

Whether through books and movies or television and music, from a young age we are indoctrinated to believe romantic love, as beautiful as it is, is the most important form of love there is.

But what if you’re not romantically involved? Does that mean your life should be devoid of love?

As it turns out, what I was seeking had to be found within. I spent time considering: how do I give love? how do I want to receive it? how do I show up for myself? how do I show up for others?

I have no choice but to be expressive, I’m a writer. From handwritten notes to poetry, my feelings have to be communicated and since I am the writer and not the muse I have yet to find someone who expresses themselves how I do. I think I'm due for a lesson in accepting love shown in a different language than what I want, but that's another story. The love letters I write myself have filled up at least a dozen journals. My words are filled with pride at how far I’ve come, praise at how I’ve handled situations, and not shaming myself when I've mishandled others. True self love is keeping it real. I’m only human after-all.

I spend a lot of time in front of the mirror gazing at myself, sometimes nude, and affirming not only my beauty but my intellect and all other positive traits I possess. This helped me gain true confidence though I can say that “faking it until you make it” really does help set the foundation. I make sure to say my name and look myself in the eye, not just for mature me, but for the younger me who couldn’t see all that we encompassed. This practice helped me no longer search for external validation, not only when it comes to my physical appearance but in the moves I make in my personal life.

Music, my forever love, plays a large role in the way I show myself love. I love love songs and I’m the queen of a love playlist. I make new playlists, sometimes with the same songs I can’t front, but I listen to them, dedicate songs to myself, and sing them loud and proud because why shouldn't I? The love I deserve should absolutely feel like 90’s R&B.

I fell in love with dating myself and fully enjoying my independence. Nothing beats being able to get up and go as I please and not having to answer to anyone else. Not having to consider anyone besides myself once it's time for dinner is unbeatable. My room is filled with flowers, bright and colorful, and I find that the more time I spend loving myself, the brighter I become. The more I bloom.

The self-love glow is evident. Learning the ways I wanted to be poured into and then creating a routine to fulfill myself has helped me as a person from the inside out. Though healing is not linear, I know that for the moment I have hit a wall on the amount of healing I can do alone. We are social creatures, so no matter how much time I like to spend in solitude, I knew it was important for me to begin investing in spaces that help me fulfill my soul in this same way. What I got was more beautiful than I expected!

Originally, I went into non-profit work because I knew the importance of giving back and though corporate life and the business world was not what I was expecting, I learned how meaningful it is to me that I be connected to a space that brings people together. Before I went back to work in June I volunteered at a food pantry. I was just starting to become a familiar face and it was nice to connect to other people not in a work environment, no professionalism and performative niceties necessary. I remembered what it meant to be human and not just a worker-bee while bagging fruits and vegetables for people in the community alongside people from that community. Turns out, that was just doing what I know: giving back.

While shopping at a local crystal shop I saw a poster at the register about a women’s circle. Immediately, I was intrigued but I had never been to one so I didn’t know what to expect. Moving to a new city though has made me want to get out of my comfort zone and take opportunities instead of completely writing them off. Weeks went by and I did not talk myself into not going. Progress! Right after work I trekked back to the crystal shop. A small, rickety elevator took a group of us up to a room above the shop. The room was filled with women from all walks of life which I was so grateful for. I was reserved for the first meeting, not too sure what to expect and possibly quite skeptical as I was not sure where I would fit into this room full of women, though thankfully by the end of the night, I received a sign that I was exactly where I needed to be. It was sweet serendipity! Also, no fitting in necessary.

The second meeting was more intimate and we shared stories over warm cider. It was more fulfilling than I had anticipated! I left the meeting thinking, why, this is exactly why people go to AA meetings. We are each living our own lives, we’re all playing the hand we were dealt and figuring it out as we go, and no matter how different we may be there are still experiences we share that’ll always keep us connected. We are a collective. I had been missing this type of connection with people, with other women specifically, this type of safe space to share my thoughts without fear of judgement, without fear of my feelings and experiences being invalidated. Sharing those thoughts aloud made them real, I felt the emotions and then I left it all at the meeting. It had been a while since I felt quite so light and carefree.

Chasing love made me forget myself, but the more I focus on self love the more beautiful I get, so I cannot stop now. This world can be quite bleak but finding light in the darkest moments is what I do best, I do not know any other way. What I know about love is not only am I made of it but it’s all around us, as long as we’re open to receiving it. I’m finding that it’s more fulfilling when you let it come to you. Imagine that! It takes courage in this world to be openhearted, let alone being kind or sensitive. Courage to choose to love again after being hurt. Giving is what I do best, over giving, but this year is a test in finding the courage to receive love too.

What is love?

An intense feeling of deep affection. Infatuation. A fool’s game. A choice. True abundance. A distraction. The results of a chemical imbalance. The answer to that question depends on who you ask.

For me I would say: the highest frequency.

Please make sure to enjoy your Valentine’s Day!

xoxo

Ashanti