Resentment Explained
Resentment
simmering below the surface
tensions built up for years
only just found the strength to convey
my anger covers up tears
mental prison of pain and anguish
not the first to betray
what was once a safe space
never again to set foot
when the door opened
the light illuminated
a harsh truth us three know
memories prayed away rise
left with a word of advice
stay away from sharp knives
Explanation posted on Instagram on April 24, 2024:
I resented my family for many years. Never doubted their love but I question if I truly felt liked? Or understood? My bluntness a turnoff. There I go with an attitude. I know I'm quite defensive. Imagine being on the outside looking in wondering why you never seemed to fit in. I actually learned that sometimes because of who your parents are, the adults around you will treat you accordingly. Imagine that! A childhood spent walking on eggshells. This is pain that I have been working through but the only way to get through it and let it go is to express it. How are you ever going to know if I never have the ability to show? To tell? Just what's going through my mind...
The thing about the spiritual work I've been doing is I know I have to integrate back into my family, share with them what I know and show up as my most authentic self (no matter how "atypical" I am). Because at the end of the day there are times I look back on fondly and will forever hold close to my heart.
I think what I resent most about what a family is and what it should be seems to differ for me. I suppose I have to release my own expectations of others. We're all having a human experience, but I will say this: I am not okay with how I was mishandled. I'll take it up with everyone, a therapist, and God. I know I've played my own role in these relationships because communication works two ways but I'm curious did anyone ever consider maybe there was a reason I don't come around? Did anyone hear my cries for help? Did anyone care? Or were my struggles gossip to discuss amongst yourselves?
Speaking on how I went to a two-year college instead of four year after highschool? Truth is I couldn't afford to outright, but my degree from Seton Hall is paid off. Gotta respect the hustle. I did what I had to.
Dismiss my struggles with social anxiety because I did not attend a large group dinner? Or how I left a baby shower because I was having a panic attack. My mind was screaming for me to leave! First and only time that ever happened to me by the way. Very scary feelin'.
Talk about how I'm behind in life in comparison to your child because I'm single, unwed, no kids? I can't be made to feel down about that because I don't have to go as hard. Whole time this is the first time in my life I don't have to support someone else emotionally, financially, and energetically! I get to have my fun now and I deserve it!
Did me wearing my everyday chain really throw the whole outfit off? I looked amazing in the dress! So why did it matter?
Questioning my move but if I didn't leave in an uber there was only one other way...
Someone told me "family talks about family, that's just what they do." You are allowed to your opinions but the way I see it, I wish family looked out and held each other accountable. Me included! But there is a lot I don't address, my mind processes information differently, but I do catch the shade. Would rather focus on myself and be at peace than let my feathers be ruffled. And when I'm not all about me when I do reach out it's always in love.
True to my core, I am not someone who has an easy time covering up when I'm dissatisfied. My biggest problem with family is, abusers are welcomed around to this day because they're family. Their victims? Outcasted and silenced. Put up with it for appearance sake. That's just never been my thing.
