can we talk, masks off?
I want to be as open as possible here.
I do get caught up in writing to an audience sometimes but this is my little sanctuary. I need to express myself and I'm a complicated woman, so it won't always be pretty or what someone would want to read or expect to, but it will be me. You might even hear it. I do like talking! I might even say love -- once you get past astute observations and my own reservations.
The clouds I felt yesterday are lifting. What I think it is, is this: my dreams are coming true. There are things I have prayed for, ached and longed for when I wasn't ready for it. These days I feel ready. I don't think it's fear but it is the realization that hey, you wanted it and you're receiving it and now you have to put the work in every single day to keep it.
I wanted a relationship for a long time, even when I knew I wasn't ready. Grateful I never got it when I swore I was ready because damn, let's talk candidly, colliding worlds with someone and sharing energies takes so much patience and intention. More consideration, more loving, so much forgiveness and grace. I'm not always right. They'll call me out on my shit. I'll have to speak up about how I'm feeling instead of keeping it in and expecting someone to read my mind. Things I thought I healed alone will come up, things I didn't even know triggered me will be at the forefront. What trauma have you experienced? We gotta deal with that too. There's a level of intimacy I haven't experienced, both physically and emotionally, that I know will transform me and show me a version of myself I’ve yet to see. There is beauty in that and I finally feel deserving of it. I just don't want to get too lost as I become more sure in the woman I am. So-and-so's girlfriend? But I got my own shit going on too...
I'm Ashanti!
Miss. Ashanti, if yah nasty.
Who is running a business by the way! And I loveeee that. Put that degree to work. My actual job has been teaching me a lot too, so I'm happy to have made my way back. I knew I didn't finish learning what I had to the first time around and as frustrating as it can be, grateful to get my second opportunity. I ordered some business cards. I'm wanting to do this almost exclusively through word-of-mouth and I like it that way. Very feet on the ground, grassroots, even old school and what I like most about that is it feels most authentic, to who I am and what I want to build. I've been putting together spreadsheets chile. I'm investing heavily into my business and the support has been so real. I have to keep going because I can see ahead, what this could mean in my life. My little baby, my creation. I have some coconut cupcakes in the fridge cooling for my Granny. She's paying me next week, don't tell nobody that. She the only one who can get away with it.
What I'm learning is, this does take a lot of energy out of me. Ebbs and flows. According to my planner, things are quiet next week, so I will make sure that I take time for myself. Even during the busy weeks, what can I do to pour into myself? Today, I went to get a massage. Whew! When I tell you, being rubbed up and down with warm oil is like, yum. Next time, I think I'll get the hot stones. I swear they melt away all the stress. It's so crazy because I was telling the massuese I didn't realize I was holding all this tension and pain in until she started massaging all the aches out. So yeah, massages and facials are a way to rejuvenate. But what else can I do?
I started rereading comic books. Geek moment? I've done a little DC but I'm back at Marvel, currently reading an X-Men series I'm really enjoying. You know what, I started again because Into the Spiderverse movies are some of my absolute favorites! That third movie is taking so dang long to come out chile. I wanted them both back and back and then decided to give some Miles Morales Spider-man comics a chance. Avengers comics are hit or miss but X-Men? It's something about their stories that get me. I've read Magneto and Charles Xavier are juxtaposed in the way that Malcolm X and Martin Luther King were. I find that so fascinating! As others, do we further seperate ourselves and do back what has been done unto us, or do we work to unify and understand how to harness our powers? As far as superpowers go, I'd like the psychic powers over all else. Metal claws from my knuckles...? Beams from my eyes? Hell no.
I feel good tonight.
There's a big bag of Cheez Doodles waiting for me.
Ginger hibiscus lemonade too.
And years worth of comics.
What else could a girl want?
xoxo,
Ashanti
