no hard feelings

I’m a bit unsure how transparent I want to be in my writings. What’s the limit on what I want to share? Thus far it’s been cathartic, I’ve had to confront a lot of thoughts, old memories and emotions. But I know there is a wall I’m still keeping up. I want people to get to know me, but not too much, not too well.

That mindset has had an affect (affect vs effect really be kicking my butt!) on my relationships, friendships especially. With quarantine, I’ve had nothing but time to think about part that I’ve played in a lot of my friendship “failures.”

Honestly, I haven’t been the greatest friend. I like to think I’m there when people need me most, as a friend I am supportive, but I’m also someone who likes a lot of space. I enjoy being alone. I can also be very straight-forward (boarding on mean), what might be tough love or jokes to me can actually have a negative affect on someone. Though it’s not my intention to actually hurt my friends, you always remember people’s words, or at the very least how they made you feel. I take accountability for that, at the very least.

I crave a deeper connection with people and want to know everything about them, while not sharing as much of myself and pushing them away before they could hurt or push me away.

Though I’ve had friendships end because of me, more often than not, it’s been because people just grow apart. Those have been the hardest break ups to deal with.

I have a lot of “what happened to so-and-so?” friends. And I’m not sure what to say when people ask.

Do I tell them how one day I realized we just didn’t click anymore?

Or how when we did talk, the chemistry had been lost?

And how eventually, the text messages we once sent everyday came to a complete halt?

Sometimes there is no reason. It’s no one’s fault.

We don’t have to always like the same exact thing to be friends, but what we had in common, what brought us together isn’t doing that anymore. And as you spend more time together you realize that your values aren’t as aligned as you thought they were.

It’s been one of the most challenging parts of growing up. Going through the grief process on friendships you swore would last a life time. Eventually, you do get to acceptance, and realize that it was all apart of your own growth.

To those I’ve outgrown or who’ve outgrown me, it’s never any hard feelings.

♡