reminder

I know that I’ve changed for the better.

This is the happiest I’ve felt, the most alive. Not just living and life passing you by, because lately I can tell someone at least five great parts of my day. As cliche as it sounds, I’ve come to realize how important it is to enjoy the small things in life that are right in front of you.

I never knew what it meant to live in the moment.

Half of the time, I’m dwelling on the past. What I went through and how it’s made me who I am. What I wish I could change. How I could have handled so many situations differently. What could have been…

The other half of the time, I’m stressed about the future. How I got tasked with being the generational curse breaker in my family is beyond me. I’m trying so hard to make everyone proud, to leave a healthy long-lasting legacy here for generations of my family to come. I put a lot of weight on my own shoulders and at the same time there are people who have such high expectations for me, I’m not allowed to fail. (Currently coming to terms with the fact that failure is actually part of life.)

During quarantine, I was trying to manifest so many things into my life, things I thought I was missing: a better job, better pay, a place of my own, people who understood me, a sense of purpose. It wasn’t until late last year that I realized that everything I wanted was right in front of me, it was just up to me to recognize it and be active in my life.

Coming off of quarantine I was on autopilot: wake up, go to work, go home, sleep and repeat. Previously, I’ve written about how I would isolate myself and while I still do need time to myself to decompress and process my day, I’ve found such a love for life by being more involved in the lives of those around me.

I was asking for people who understood me, when I have family, especially my siblings, and friends. We’ve been spending so much time together lately it makes me feel like a kid again. (Watching your siblings grow up and develop their own personality is so mind boggling, I’ll save that for a different day.) I asked for a new job with better pay and when the CEO’s old assistant quit they threw me into his job, now I’m making more than I did before and everyday is little different, makes my days that much more interesting.

I’ve come to realize my purpose is to stop chasing a purpose. To live authentically as myself. To speak up, say what I mean and mean what I say. And have fun! Life has serious moments but truly, somethings are not that serious.

Reminder to self: Live in the moment! (And enjoy it!)