self-isolation

We’ve come such a long way since this time last year.

Movie theaters are back open, New York City feels alive once more, and Itty Bitty Piggy is the song of the Summer again after it’s release twelve years ago.

I remember our last day in the office, scrambling to get supplies and files, promising each other we would see each other in a few weeks. I was so happy that as a receptionist I was finally getting a break from buzzing people in for meetings and answering the phones for people who were asking questions I didn’t have the answers for. Little did we know we would still not be back yet, almost fifteen months later.

Truthfully, the start of the pandemic feels like a blur, especially the initial lock down. When I talk about it now I frame it as something that was easy to get through when in reality, that’s rather far from the truth. I downplay the effect that it has had on my life but I know they’ll be long lasting. I am grateful that my family has been very fortunate during this time, but as a society we have all gone through so much. Protests, riots, deaths, supply shortages. Mentally, its been a very draining time. One of the hardest parts was continuing to work like everything was okay, when mentally and emotionally my heart wasn’t in it at all. And now we have to go back into the world and go back to “normal,” but at this point what is normal really?

I’m an introvert by nature. I spend a lot of time by myself, not only that but self-isolation is one of my coping mechanisms. When times are tough, I need quiet time to myself to navigate my feelings. I spend most of my time in my head, thinking, even when I’m around other people. I’m pretty emotional but that’s not something I want to share with just anyone. I take the time to think and respond to most things because I want to say the right thing, I don’t want to purposely hurt other people. Now, does this self filtering always work? Maybe not. But when my emotions become too much I withdraw completely. It can last for a few hours, days, or weeks. It’s something I think those close to me have kind of gotten used to.

During the pandemic this self-isolation turned into something that lasted for months. I thought I was stronger than most people, getting through it better than them. It was something I had dealt with before, what was another few months? But looking back with a clearer mind now, I was hurting myself and neglecting the people who care about me most. I hadn’t even realized until I was ready to get back out into the world.

Coming out isolation is the hardest part. You realize that while you were staying still, the world continued to spin without you. Life really does go on. I’ve realized I’ve probably missed so many important moments in the lives of the people I love the most because I had been so consumed in myself. It felt like I was meeting new people, learning so many new things about them. I’ve dwelt on the past for so long that I didn’t allow myself to enjoy the present. To be present. I thought I was doing myself a favor, I was trying to heal, when it feels as if I have only crippled myself. This is not to say it doesn’t work. Sometimes you truly need a bit of time to focus on yourself, but not to the point that you are ignoring the world around you.

I think this is one of the hardest parts for most of us. Before you could go out and distract yourself, meet with your friends and for a night and forget most of your problems, but when you’re in inside you’re just left with yourself. Left with your thoughts, your trauma, your emotions. There’s no running away from them anymore. No distractions. No matter how hard you try, you have to face them. Those weeks of lock down turned into months before we knew it and those unhealthy coping mechanisms we use only help you ignore the pain for so long.

Acknowledging that how we cope may not be the healthiest is a pretty big step. Realizing you want to get better, wanting a healthier state of mind, and then speaking to someone about it takes courage. Personally, I’ve found that journaling has been the best way for me to deal with my emotions. When I get a chance during the day I just spill my heart out, trying not to censor what I say and being as open as possible. It can be challenging, not as hard as sitting down to actually type and structure these thoughts, but it’s cathartic to get it all out. Finding what works for you is so important, as well as, spending time with those who for you most. We can’t do everything in this life alone, as much as we like to think we can.

If you’ve experienced similar feelings, I hope you find peace of mind.

You’re not alone.

♡