you can't give it to 'em dry like that

Maybe I come off like a know-it-all.

I know enough to know that I don't know-it-all and that I likely wouldn't want to.

I don't want to be on some "I told you so," shit either.

My heart is tender, dude.

And maybe opening up has me wanting to close back up. I'm seen a bit too clearly, by myself and others. Yet, to be getting so much off my chest has me feeling lighter. I just have to do it in my own time.

The last two days have been pretty good.

Actually, yesterday, I was in such a great mood! I don't even remember what happened but it was a good mix of work and also, my cake bidness and time spent with people who I care for and who care for me. I was singing so much, no music needed, as I was walking down the street. If nothing else my mind is filled with song lyrics. And sugar, must be! When I got home I got right to baking another coconut cake. The one I made on Sunday was a hit, but the one I made yesterday, whew chile! I got so many sweet compliments today that it was the best cake I had made. So moist and it was like you could taste my joy in it. That is one thing about cooking I enjoy, you can taste the passion when someone wanted to cook and on the flip-side, you can taste when they didn't wanna do a damn thing.

Sidenote, speaking of food: don't judge me please but, I'm fixated on Cheez-doodles right now. The red bag! You ever babysat a child and gave them one and they tried to give it back to you all soggy? Ew! I don't want to go overboard with them but yum is all I can say.

I have a couple possible orders down the pipeline, but am in search of something sooner. A carrot cake order due next Tuesday. Wondering if she'll let me have a slice? Is that greedy? Ha. I've got a name, that is registerable, and a logo which I can print onto my pretty pink cake boxes. I suppose that business degree and all this work I've been doing is going to be put to good use.

Inner child healing is of the utmost importance to me and what I'm knowing I have to do now is be more present, because future me needs all the loving she can get. This moment here matters more than anything because it'll affect so much later on. I know some of what I want in the future, how it'll play out will be seen in time but sheesh, your childhood affects so much. I wanna be a wife and I wanna be a mommy. I wanna be a super cool granny. Nothing like a Grandmother's love, I'll tell you that!

And I've been speaking of forgiving others, which is important, but I have had to forgive myself. I made a lot of mistakes and I'll make many more but I've been so hard on myself for just being human. Perfectionism is a killer. I'm playing out childhood cycles I've seen and quite frankly don't want to beat myself up over it anymore. I want to do it differently. I need to. If I want to be all that I say I want to be and more, I have to learn, forgive and move on. Easier said than done but at least I've gained some self-awareness.

You know why the work situation is bothering me? I feel I deserve more because I work hard but don't want to ask because I don't want more work and I already give so much energy and no one is going to advocate for me the way I will myself but these people will pay themselves ten times my salary and still expect me to dedicate my life to this place when in reality I am a full person outside of that. In my heart, this is my right now but not my forever. A job, not a career. My time is precious.

I'm in another meeting today to take notes when there is already a whole spreadsheet built with all the information. How strange... And so I promise I'm trying to take it in stride. Okay Ashanti, you don't care about the work that you're doing but what skills can you take from it, what can you learn, that'll help you in what you are currently building? This is the least I can do.

Thank God for the spirit of resilience!

xoxo,

Ashanti