Escapism

For me it started with books. My mother would read me to sleep growing up and as I got older and spent more time alone, I delved deeper into them even asking for nothing else but books one Christmas. By the end of the night I had read all 422 pages of Lock and Key by Sarah Dessen. (Could not tell you what the plot of the book is today, though I still have it in a crate of books in my closet.) There’s something about getting lost in a book, completely consumed in a new world, you can forget about your reality for a time and throughout my life that was what I needed.

As I got older I read a little less, physical books anyway, and music took over. My love for music is so immense, I often say that I have a bad memory but that’s not completely true. The thing is my mind is filled with song lyrics, doesn’t matter how long ago I heard a song, I could probably listen to it today and still know the lyrics, connect it to a time in my life, and it’ll still elicit strong emotions from me. (If I’m sad, I’m gonna listen to even sadder music, gotta cry it out one way or the other!)

I became one of those people who always had their headphones on listening to something. Music, podcast, video game streams, YouTube videos, it didn’t matter as long as I had background noise.

I didn’t realize I had been drowning until I was forced to come up for air, which was when one of my airpods fell down the drain (and this isn’t the first time one of my electronics fell victim to plumbing, in 7th grade my phone flushed down the school toilet. #rip). It was like I didn’t know how to function without having something playing at all times. I had been drowning out my own thoughts, emotions, feelings and not only mine but the people around me. Barely connected to them because I wanted to escape instead of face the life I actually had around me. Not even connected to myself but also seeking it so desperately.

I take everything that happens to me as a lesson. I still listen to music of course, still read from time to time but I also sit in silence too. (Honestly, I have to force myself, but it’s worth it.) Just me and my thoughts and my loud air conditioner I bought two weeks before the fall (it was free so I lucked out.) I’ve spent more time connecting with my family and friends and I feel I’ve found a part of myself I didn’t realize had been hidden for all of that time, buried deep below the surface. So many emotions have come up too, memories I had forgotten about or thought I healed from. Lots of crying. It’s felt so good to release a lot of baggage I didn’t know I was carrying.

You can’t escape forever.