Big Sis

After wearing her down, my mother finally agreed to pay for my brother and sister to get braces. Last week I was talking to my little sister about how much their lives are going to change after getting them and all she could talk about was how excited she was to choose a color for her braces. Unsure of whether or not she should choose purple or pink as her first color, my sister and my brother were both so into the aesthetic that they never once considered the pain they would have to go through and the fact that they are now stuck with braces for the next two years and have to put extra effort into taking care of their oral hygiene.(My brother is already plotting on how he can get them removed as soon as possible, by any means necessary.)

When they arrived home I couldn’t help but laugh because their bubbles were completely burst. I had gotten my “I told you so” moment. But my sister was so upset she very seriously asked me to stop laughing, I apologized and we moved on to learning more about the do’s and don’ts of their current predicament. I love that our relationship is a secure one, where we can tell each other when we don’t like something, apologize and move on.

Growing up as the only child to a single mother, I spent a lot of time by myself. Two of my cousins introduced me to my love of computers and the internet, video games and anime (fanfiction too and honestly, that was the real game changer.) My other cousins helped me learn how to better get along with people, though I was a very selfish child, and express myself creatively through playing, singing, and dancing. Yet, I always felt a bit lonely, like I didn’t really fit in. I played a big part in raising and taking care of myself and I’ve had to take care of my mother as well because we were all we had. (We’ve actually agreed that we raised each other but as a child, it wasn’t easy to do or go through.)

When my brother was born I was so happy! I finally had a sibling I could connect with but just like with my brother and sister getting their braces, the reality versus the expectations were vastly different. At 14, I now had to take care of myself and a baby while my mother worked to provide for us. I actually fully named my brother, middle name included, fed him, changed him, bathed him, and cared for him like he was my own child. For a short time growing up he called me “Mommy Shanti.”

(I’ve never told anyone this actually but growing up I would think to myself, “It would be so cool to have an older brother.” I wanted someone to look up to, to protect and care for me. Years later my little brother is calling himself my “big bro,” according to him he’s the man of the house, our protector and in charge. Funny how life works.)

At 16, my second child was born and by this time I was exhausted. Caring for two children while going through the high school experience was a lot and I was also working part-time at the time.

Being the eldest sibling was challenging and it still is, but it was even harder when I was younger. I had to find a balance in my life and give myself grace when I made mistakes because I’m a human first, but at times it was like I couldn’t make mistakes because I felt I had to be perfect. Especially because they look up to me, I had to make the right decisions in my life and at least pretend I knew what I was doing. (Whole time I’m just winging it and hoping for the best.) I had to have all the answers and be everything for everyone. We joke about it but I became the “family manager.” (I don’t remember even applying for that job.) But when did I get to think of myself and what I needed?

I always say I don’t have many regrets in life but I do have guilt that has been lingering. It’s so important for me to always be there for my siblings, I want to fully support them through anything, but there was a time in my life where my mental health was really on the decline. I shut so many people out while trying to work through it, them included, and I felt like I missed out on so many moments in their lives. And when I finally woke up they were in middle school, my brother is looking at me almost at eye level and my sister is blossoming and more expressive than ever. (Now their braces are making them look even more grown up, what’s a girl to do?)

I’m sad about the fact that I’ll never get that time back but it’s no use in focusing so much on a past you cannot change.

The good news is, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. We’ve been spending so much more time together lately. We cook together, stay up late watching movies on school nights (don’t tell!) and play board games (they’re allowed to beat me every now and again). My sister listens to me sing songs I grew up on (I sang Paramore to her recently and she said “let me ask you something…were you emo?) and spends time with me coloring, painting and more recently watching America’s Next Top Model. My brother and I bond over our love for video games (and I would love to introduce him to games beyond just shooting), comedy. and generally who can beat who up. (Soon he’ll get the upper hand and that’ll be our last time play fighting.) What I love about both of them is that they’re going to stand up for themselves, call me out when I’m wrong and yet still come to me when they need someone who will hear them out and give them comfort.

Stepping down from my role as their “mother” and into my role as a big sister, which is what they needed from me most: a listening ear, confidant, and fellow clown in this circus called life, has bettered our relationship. I needed to make that change for myself as well. They’ve taught me how to open up to people, how to be vulnerable, compassionate, loving and patient, not just with them and other people in my life but with myself.

Every now and then I think to myself “they were put here just for me.” It’s been rewarding being their big sister.

xoxo