set your boundaries
In my last post, I wrote about how trying, emotionally and mentally, the last two weeks has been. It got me thinking about the boundaries I set with myself and the people around me.
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WITH MYSELF
I wish I could say I was firm in the boundaries I set for myself. I’ve been telling everyone to disconnect, put your phone down for a bit, but it’s not even something I could do myself. As I type this at 11:44 pm, June 2nd, someone in NY was shot 15+ times by police and killed and people are trapped on the Brooklyn bridge as they try to get back into Manhattan after hours of peacefully protesting. I would not have known that had I taken my own advice, but when there’s so much going on, it’s hard to disconnect. You can’t turn a blind eye when you know what’s really happening in the world, there’s no way ignorance is really bliss, not in these moments.
I would be a hypocrite to tell people to disconnect and take time out for self care and not take that same advice, at least according to my mother. I don’t always follow my own advice, a majority of the time actually, but as the days progress, and my chest continues to tighten, I know it’s time to. So I’m holding my self accountable. Starting today, I’ll at least try to limit my screen time to a few hours a day, and do something relaxing instead. To distract myself for a few hours.
But setting boundaries with myself doesn’t stop there.
I know when to walk away from relationships, especially friendships. When they no longer serve us, why stay in it? People grow apart and even though it’s hard to accept initially, most times it’s for the best.
I limit my negative self-talk, even what I say to myself in jest. When I used to joke about how much I hated everything, it felt like everything in my life was worse. It became my reality. My confidence was low and I was incredibly hard on myself. Not to say everything is perfect now, but as I became much kinder to myself, my confidence rose. I talk, sing and most importantly repeat positive affirmations to myself in the mirror. When I say sing I mean perform concerts in my room at 3 am, I’m pretty unstoppable now.
I also limit who and what I give my energy to. My phone is eternally on do not disturb and most of my app notifications are off. I have most gossip pages blocked on instagram (society has progressed past the need for a shade room!) because I don’t want to be completely involved in other people’s drama. It’s given me more time to focus on me and engage in different hobbies I never gave thought to before.
WITH FRIENDS
I hate small talk, especially the small talk that comes right before someone asks for a favor. I wouldn’t even call these people a friend but if every time we talk you ask me for something, we don’t have anything to talk about. If when I talk to a friend all they ever do is talk about themselves, we probably won’t be talking either. I love hearing from my friends and talking to them at length, we don’t even have to talk everyday but if during every single conversation we have you don’t at the very least ask how I am, that’s something we’re going to have to talk about. Or we won’t talk at all.
Another boundary I had to set for myself when it comes to my friends is allowing them to live their own lives. I promise I’m learning how to mind my business. (Like, I’m really trying.) Sometimes I can get a lil too involved, especially when it comes to their romantic relationships. It’s just hard hearing about your friend going through the same thing over…and over…and over…and over again with the same person when you know there’s so much more out there for them. Watching them limit themselves for someone else. I’ll always still be there to support them while not dictating how they live their lives, no matter how right I might feel.
This leads into me not only not taking other people’s problems on as my own but their emotions either. I’ve been getting better at this too. I’ve found myself emotionally overwhelmed in a friendship before and it wasn’t fun. I could be happy the sky was blue and they would find something to complain about, it was hard to deal with perpetual negativity. I felt completely weighed down by their emotional baggage every time we talked. The cloud that hung over their head had extended over mine. I started to distance myself, responding less to their messages, not wanting to spend much time with them. It was unfair to them without an explanation and I don’t want to resent the people I love because I chose not to speak up and set up boundaries for the betterment of our relationship. Like most things, with a conversation our friendship is on better track. I’ll continue to do my best to be there and listen to them while letting them know I’m navigating my own emotions, I cannot handle everything they’re putting on me too. I have to care for myself first and foremost.
The most important thing you can do is speak up when your boundaries are crossed. I’m not the best communicator, especially not in the moment, I take a lot of time to think about something before a confrontation. So for my own sanity I had to speak up.
WITH FAMILY
I’ve found that setting boundaries with your family is the most challenging, yet rewarding. You feel obligated to do whatever they ask of you, even if it goes against what you really want to do, need to do, for yourself. There’s a difference between helping your family and holding yourself back from living your life, from your true successes.
When I was college, my business writing teacher told a story of a girl granted a full ride to Julliard, and she had to decline it due to pressure from her mother because she was a caregiver to her siblings. I thought it was absurd and I broke down in class that day during that discussion. (The other students were very confused…) Not that my situation had been as dire, but being the oldest sibling in a single parent household made me a second parent basically (and one day we’ll talk more being an older sibling, and especially as a woman — the double standard.) I was working weekends, helping take care of my siblings, and going to school full time. There was a lot on my plate.
Days later I met her during office hours and she told me she was worried about me because of how emotional I had gotten. (It’s so weird when people can see you hurting when you swear you’re doing your best to hold it all together.) That night I brought it up to my mother, and a few days later some changes were made. The weight on my shoulders was lessened.
Afterwards, I avoided that lady like the plague, because this wasn’t something I was ready to face. She saw right through me. She was right in what she said and to this day I’m so thankful she saw what I was going through, what I was keeping inside. Thanks to her I was able to speak up, and set boundaries with my mother, to clearly communicate how I was feeling and the extend to which I could actually assist. I want to be there to help but as a young woman, finishing college and going out into the world, I want to be able to begin really living my life too.
Even though things haven’t been perfect, that day really set the stage for setting boundaries to this day, things are actually the best they have been during this quarantine. There’s such a weird space between being a teenager and a young adult and your relationship with your parents. How do you want them to speak to you? How are you going to hold each other accountable? And with my mom, we’re so different yet alike, I think we’re still getting to know each other and we’ve known each other forever. But I think we’ve really grown together and I love that. I’m grateful to her and my grandma because she really gets me (meaning she’s always on my side, as a grandmother should be!)
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Boundaries start and end with you.
People might resent you and try to guilt you when you hold firm in your boundaries and really that tells you all you need to know about that person but you have to continue to do so.
What are you willing to accept?
♡
