Desire

How vulnerable do I want to get? How honest? How open? These questions swirl around my mind often when I’m writing. To be totally upfront, I hate, hate, hate that I developed earlier than the other girls I went to school with. I’ve always been curvaceous and as much as I love what I look like at 26 when I look in the mirror, I always wanted to be covered up when I was growing up. I needed to stay hidden from everyone. There was no hiding, however, and it hasn’t gotten better as I’ve gotten older, if anything it’s worse — I just handle it better. To always be desired physically yet people not taking the time to get to know who I am deep down is an awful feeling. People love the idea of me but don’t take the time to really see me as a human. To the other girls who have experienced this, I see you and I love you! Real bad.

I didn’t want to write today but I’m trying to push past writer’s block, just hoping if I stay consistent enough inspiration will fall from the sky. Two weeks ago, I got into an Uber after telling a friend that I always have the best talks with my drivers, we had such a great conversation about spirituality, etymology and numerology. He was so much deeper into these things than I was so the whole ride felt like I had fallen into a rabbit hole. Within the first few minutes of being in the car he said to me “you seem like the type who would wanna be alone in the forest, relaxing, meditating.” I was so happy my energy was that easy to read because that’s exactly what I would rather be doing than anything else in the world. (Well, switch the forest with a beach.)

I have my down moments, we all do, but overall life right now is so good. There’s so much newness going on and I’m excited about it and at the same time it’s overwhelming. In a new city, starting a new job, meeting new people. Admittedly, these are good problems to have! One chapter ends and another begins. I’ve finally stepped into adulthood, into my purpose, into my true self. Feels like my life is just getting started.