Don’t Dim it Down

My energy feels magnetic, like I’m attracting many different opportunities but as of late, I feel pulled between two extremes. On one hand, there are friends and family from different parts of my life I feel called to reconnect with, all while focusing on doing well at work and trying to stay creative. On the other hand, I know I have to be more stingy with my energy, I just want to retreat back into my shell. I’m juggling a lot and it can become overwhelming at times. When am I allowed to catch my breath? Or when do I allow myself to? It’s important to me that I find people I can trust who don't only telling me what they think I want to hear and that are comfortable enough to be themselves around me. Also, that I let myself let loose and have fun, I need writing inspiration after all.

I’m feeling comfortable in this new skin, new era of my life I’m living in but this past Friday at work I had a conversation that triggered me and I knew I still had some work to do. A teacher pointed out that I didn’t seem like myself and I told her I was exhausted from jumping between different classrooms. Working with children already takes a lot of energy and some age groups use more than others. She told me, “don’t take this the wrong way but you need to be yourself, you don’t have to…” more words were spoken but not a single one was heard after the initial sentence.

All my life I felt like I had to make myself fit in even when I knew it wasn’t really what I wanted. So now that I go to work, keep to myself, do my job and leave it seems to have peeved a few people hoping that I would go out my way to be accepted. I simply do not care to. I was just confused on how someone could know me for two months and accuse me of not being myself? You don’t even know me. The projection I deal with is so strange and it’s one of the reasons I would rather stay to myself. After everything I been through in life and this year specifically, I know it’s no reason for me to ever dim my light or myself down again just to fit into the status quo or to do what’s expected of me. If being myself means I’m being rebellious then I’ll wear it like a badge of honor.