Surrender

My New Year’s resolution is to let go of control.

I’m actually starting early and allowing my family to buy me surprise gifts. I always know what someone is going to buy for me because I’ve sent the links ahead of time from Amazon or I just ask for cash and purchase it myself. It doesn’t really feel like a gift anymore after that. (Probably why Christmas doesn’t feel like Christmas when we’re an adult. We’ve lost the feeling of anticipation, the wonder and the feelings of surprise and joy.)

The need to always want to be in control is my biggest flaw, built out of necessity at a point in my life but I’m ready to let go of it now. Control over failed friendships and close relationships. Control over how people perceive me and the need to be “perfect.” Control over my emotions to the point of unavailability to myself and people around me.

I’ve use this metaphor before but it felt like I was drowning under all the pressure I put onto myself and it was only when I let go that I was able to come back up for air. Come back into myself.

Not knowing I just had to be me, genuinely, and love myself. I never even had to change for people, but allow myself compassion.

I’m looking forward to all my gifts this Christmas but especially the ones that make me giddy the night before in anticipation!