Wednesday🏵 October 16, 2024

No doubt, Gwen Stefani is the reason a whole generation can confidently spell bananas and for that I will always speak highly of her artistry. My favorite berry and most overpowering smoothie addition, I refuse to eat them straight up if they’re ugly, marked up or browning and ripening on the outside.

After spending time meditating in the sun at the Botanic Garden yesterday I had a women’s circle meeting in Williamsburg. It’s been a while since I attended a meeting and for me one on one talk therapy is good but nothing beats being around multiple other women and hearing their collective perspectives. That time together gives me reassurance that, as a human and a woman more specifically, we all go through similar thought patterns, I know I’m not alone. It helps me feel less like an outlier and more in with the group. Over the months I’ve built a sisterhood that has helped me navigate through my own life for the better and for that I am forever grateful.

I always leave the meeting with inspiration to write and this time is no different. This meeting we discussed cognitive distortion, “irrational or exaggerated thought patterns that can lead to an inaccurate perception of reality.” When I heard this was the theme I was stoked because I knew I was guilty right away of seeing things beyond their face value.

We went over about nine examples: should statements and black and white thinking stuck out to me most as distortions I am most preoccupied with. While we were meditating on how this thinking has negatively affected us, a banana came to mind. Both have affected my relationships, but black and white thinking more so. Either I’m all in or out, either you’re all in or you’re all out! There is no in between, no shades of grey (which there are, that’s just how life is).

I imagined how with a banana I wouldn’t eat it if I deemed it ugly, inedible but when I don’t I miss out on much of the nutrients, I miss out on banana bread, banana pudding, banana smoothies! I love all those things. I’m of the belief that some things are black and white but many things are grey, or in this case a weird yellow-spotted with brown. How many relationships, both romantic and platonic have I throw aside or missed out on because I saw things in solely one of two ways instead of changing my perspective and seeing the possibilities?!

The world will never know but I do know this: this life shit is B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

Saturday 🏵 October 12, 2024

The hottest woman you know got on stage and performed her poem “Robin Hood,” yesterday. I’m still coming down from the adrenaline rush of the whole situation. I had my poem done weeks ago and gave it a final tweak the day of while sitting atop the hill in Sunset Park. I’ve included that performance to my camera here in the poetry section of my blog. Below, you’ll find my on stage performance done in front of the sexy Hot People Read Poetry audience.

This was my first time being rhythmic with my words, almost like a rap. I love rap and hip hop music, it’s in my blood! It was only right I started finding my groove and playing around with my pronunciation, enunciation and flow. I’m thinking this poem will be the first of a series of poems in which the narrator is getting in and out of trouble. I can’t keep her locked up though come on, she’s gonna excel at getting herself out of sticky situations and each time with a holiday in the background.

Christmas is my most favorite holiday! I’ve been singing Christmas carols since at least before July. Before I could perform this poem I had already began writing the first four lines of the next poem, here’s a sneak peak:

Picture me tanning
Sittin’ pretty on a beach
Instead I’m crouching down
Knew something was amiss

As an artist I find myself validating my art but also searching for validation from the audience and viewers. It’s a slippery slope, but I will say this, I got a lot of love for this one and it made me feel good but especially because I haven’t enjoyed performing a poem like this since Catwoman. I’m looking forward to what kind of shenanigans “Robin Hood,” can get into, out of, and what type of flows I can explore.

Cheers to another successful open mic!

Monday 🏵 October 7, 2024

Twelve weeks of waking up at 5 am, per the book, 6 am, per me, and getting three pages of thoughts onto paper. That is the Artist's Way. The author, Julia Cameron, speaks often about God and spirituality. I'm not religious per say but I am spiritual and I do believe the two can co-exist in a healthy, meaningful way. I'm at a stage in life where I am learning and maybe more accurately remembering a God of my own understanding. Getting more connected with my inner-child, who is my inner-artist, and my process has been happening for all to watch because who knew little Ashanti loved poetry in the way that she does. With the way I love rhythm and poetry it probably should not have been so shocking.

Writing these “morning pages,” helps us distinguish between our inner-child, who is our higher self, our self who knows us and our soul best and our inner-critic, who for most of us is the voice of our parents and family members who have known us our whole lives but not knew the true us. I can be hyper-critical, especially when it comes to my art and sensitive enough that often I won’t write about what it is I really want to in fear of what my family and other people will think. The older I get the more I try to develop a “fuck what they think,” mentality but I do care what people think. I’m unafraid to admit that. What others think does matter but not to that point where it should stop my creativity process, where it should stop me loving who I want, where it should stop me from living the life that I imagined for myself.

I recently told my mother I wanted a husband and a wife. What’s wrong with that? ¿Porque no los dos? Not only that but I been seriously unserious about getting to learn Spanish and getting more in tune with my Boricua heritage. There have been feelings of shame surrounding my sexuality or who I am at the core but why at 28 should I continue to hide those parts of myself from the world and myself. I am learning and loving to embrace these aspects of myself openly.

My focus at this point is strictly self love! Leaning into my creative side, unleashing my shadow, and taking the time to heal myself and love up on me has made such a vast difference. As I close out a chapter in my life and begin to write the new one, with the help of this past eclipse, I believe doing my morning pages for the next 12 weeks will awaken even more within me then I expected. Maybe I’ll want to take an acting class or indulge in adult ballet. Who knows! I have always wanted to take a pole dancing class and dance to Karma by Summer Walker. I just fear once you get me on that pole ain’t no getting me off so let’s save that for another few months.

I finish this commitment to myself, to little Ashanti, to my higher self on December 30th right before New Year’s Eve. How should I treat myself?